My Pity Party

Live kinda sucks at the moment. I know, it sucks for everyone. I also know, I am one of the lucky ones but, that does not discount my current mood with life.

My passion has gone. There is little to no energy for the day. I have started smoking cigarettes again, drinking too much alcohol, no money in the bank, very little weight loss after walking more than 5kms a day, no excitement about anything, fed up with oncology visits (only four left), seriously dull fiction book, nothing capturing my interest on TV, Foxtel or Netflix, reduction on my food intake but still not much of a weight loss, painful teeth, blocked tear ducts that the optometrist ‘sort of’ fixed but need more painful work, unfinished back garden,  Brady upsetting the neighbours with his barking, sore and bruised nose from falling on it last weekend……….. yep, I could go on and on. Oh, and the big issue, AM STILL FAT!

So, I decided a while ago that I was going to be completely healthy and refresh my body. Why on earth would I decide then to take up smoking again? Who knows. I know the dangers of smoking and cancer and chemo and death. The thing is, I dont give a shit about anything at the moment. I wish I could but I can’t.

I have no passion. There is nothing right now that excites me. I am trying to focus on my upcoming November wedding in 2017 but all I can focus on is the fact we have no money, I am fat and our back yard is totally unsuitable for my budget reception.

NO, I am not looking for sympathy but maybe blogging and letting it out might release some of this built up crap that goes on within me.

I am so sick of being so tired. Today, I couldn’t go to work simply due to a headache and tiredness. Who on earth needs to call in sick for these issues? Me! I slept until midday and even then, I could have slept even longer if I didn’t have an oncology/herceptin appointment. I love my work/job but I just couldn’t do it today. If I didn’t have that oncology appointment, I’d probably still be in bed.

Every day my bestie/cousin and I  email each other with how we are, whats going on and we list a minimum of three things we are thankful for for the day. I would be lost and even worse than what I am without that.

I think I need to find not only a passion but, I really need my energy and motivation back. I know I’ll find it eventually but wow, these negatives in my life are totally blocking all that I need and want right now. This is a time that I should be joyous, happy that I still have my life, nearing the end of my cancer treatment, a beautiful home, sensational Sam, amazing daughter and mum and sister…….. But right now, it all kinda sucks.pity

4 thoughts on “My Pity Party

  1. helensamia

    For many years I worked as a counsellor for the Cancer Council and it was not unusual to see people feeling depressed after their treatment was over as you say this time should be happy but it does not seem to work that way … There are articles about this post BC treatment that you can find online plus others blogs… You are not alone but you need to tell your Drs how you feel … Some hospitals have a psychologist who specialises in this … The cancer council helpline in your state should also be able to refer you to someone …. Don’t be afraid to ask for help as you have been through so much it us not easy to just move on with life … After I had cancer I arrived at the drs and burst into tears one day … I just could not cope any more so I understand …

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  2. First of all, I was happy to see your post because I’ve been wondering about how you are doing. I’m sorry you’ve been feeling out of it and depressed. This is all normal. Many of us go through it after finishing treatments — probably a combination of “WTF just happened?”, fear, unanswered questions and lack of guarantees (etc.). Please allow yourself to go through this phase. You’re still in the process of healing, emotionally and physically. Yes, there will be times when you will make careless decisions because of it. I remember over-eating at times and my terrible lack of exercises. You’re not alone. Please remember to be gentle to yourself. Good to see you back!

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  3. Oh yeah, been there, and bought too many tee shirts!! There is certainly a “now what” thing going on, and the fatigue doesn’t help. I was pretty angry, too, at the lingering side effects.

    I have good energy now, but not as much stamina, so try to rest when I can. I resolved to give up wine, and only eat super foods, but now allow myself to enjoy wine again, and am mostly happy to eat a bit better than before, but not perfectly. I think after cancer, we have a desire to be Superwomen, which is a pretty unrealistic goal, in my opinion.

    In short, give yourself a break, girl! You still want to enjoy your life, so why deny things that give you pleasure? (Smoking, though…try cutting back?) You are not perfect, and you’ve just come through something pretty horrendous. Allow yourself to be angry, depressed, whatever! It’s all ok, it’s all normal, so give yourself permission to just relax and recover. Doesn’t mean you aren’t damn glad to be here and done with treatment!

    Talk to us, we’re here for you. Xx

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