The Crap that Goes with Life

Seriously, when does all the crappy crap crap end? Ok, don’t answer that because I am assuming it is when we die but, I would just like some nice for a while ok?

Our boy, Brady Bailey-Wilkinson passed away in my arms on the 27th of September, in my living room when the vet injected the fatal green liquid into his veins. There was no more that our boy could give. He’d had enough. He was tired. It was time. Cancer took my baby boy from me.

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What really makes me angry is that my beautiful boy nursed me through my very own shitty cancer. He had a paw on my knee constantly, his beautiful eyes looked lovingly at me and his cuddles were never lacking.

This is the paw print we took of our boys paw the night before he passed away. Thank you so very much to my friend Lauren Kennedy for supplying the paint, canvas and love. This paw print of my boy Brady will  be tattooed on to my thigh, just above my knee, where Brady used to always rest his paw.

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What I will never complain about is the extra time we had with our boy. Too often we hear of a pet or person being lost in an instant. No time to spoil them or say goodbye. Car accident, stroke or heart attack. Thankfully, we had a couple of weeks to thank Brady for being with us and for those cuddles, laughs, sobs and giggles.

These photos are from my amazing sister Annette who bought lovely gifts and messages for Brady. Kally wrote some gorgeous messages to Brady which I will treasure forever.

There was night after night of delicious dinners for that amazing guy. Cuddles galore and beautiful memories made.

The greatest thing we did was have a ‘We Love You Brady’ party. Grandma, Nana and Poppa, sister Accalia, Auntie Annette and cousins Jordan and Kally, Mama and Papa were all there to celebrate Brady’s amazing contribution to our lives as well as his amazing, relaxed, loved up and funny life. He was inundated with gifts, love and food. Funny things happened through the day including Brady being ever so focused on Kally’s gluten free scone. If nothing else happened that day, Brady really wanted to have this scone. When everyone had gone for the day, Brady was absolutely pooped but the smile on his face was unmistakable.

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Papa Sam cooked up an amazing ginormous almost dinosaur looking bone for Brady that day and I thought his eyeballs (Brady’s, not Sams) were going to pop right out of his head! He also had an entree of cheese and sausage which, as you can see, he was pretty darn happy about.

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Grandma bought some special gifts for our boy being a funny and strange green toy and some lovely home made peanut butter dog cookies. Kelly got the orange toy and left over cookies.

Big Sis and Little Bro

Ok, I’m rambling because things haven’t gotten easier since the passing of my amazing and special gorgeous boy.

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We had some awful and horrible news that another of our amazing family is now battling breast cancer. No, please don’t pry asking who and what and so forth because not everyone is as open as I am and this is their story, not mine, but, I can honestly say, this is shit. Has our wonderful family not done their time with this horrible disease? We have had beautiful and gorgeous people in my ‘old’ and ‘new’ family have to deal with this and it is just not fair. Enough is enough.

There are some really shitty crappy people in this world who deserve to be struck down with some shit arse disease but not the people I am hearing about. Stop it. Leave the good people alone and strike down the pedophiles, the people who pretend to have cancer to gain funds or fame, the horrible people who murder, rape or are horrible to animals. Why does this happen to nice and innocent people and animals?

On a nicer note, all going well with stage 1 of reconstruction. I’ll touch base again soon with more information on the recon and next stage of letting go of the cancer journey.

xx Mrs Wilkinson xx

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How to say Goodbye to Brady….

I loooooove animals. I can just ooh and aah my way through facebook for hours on end looking at all the animals in the world but, there is one animal that has captured my heart from the moment I met him and has continued to do so for his whole life.

Having said the above, I am not usually one to be absolutely smitten with a puppy. I love them, enjoy cuddling them, adore their puppy smells but, can walk away and not think of them again.

Until I met Brady.

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Baby Brady Bailey-Wilkinson (8 Weeks Old)

I had gone to Willunga to meet my new boyfriends family and they were Groodle breeders. Sam (then boyfriend, now husband) asked if I wanted to go and see the puppies and I shrugged and said ok.

There they were, lots and lots of puppies, all scrambling for my attention as well as the mum and dad of said puppies. All of these white/cream dogs, wet noses pushing through the gate hoping for a scratch or pat and then I saw him.

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Brady didn’t want to stop growing (12 weeks old)

A rolly poly fat little dopey puppy, sitting all on his own, looking around as though he couldn’t work out where everyone else went. They were all of five feet in front of him but he didn’t seem to know that so just sat there looking as gorgeous as can be.

Well, that was the end of me.

Brady And Kelly (Both 6 Months Old)

I hadn’t had a dog in years and didn’t really pine for one until Brady. Oh I thought of him day and night after that first meeting. That first cuddle when Sam handed him to me when I asked if I could hold him. His big little paws seemed to wrap themselves around me neck to have a longer, more snuggly cuddle.

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Brady trying to get his fur back (and I have my natural 2 boobs!)

That was, until the day Sam bought Brady down to my city apartment and we became a couple. Brady and I. Me and Brady. We were a team and my gosh he was one handsome fellow.

Nine years later we are the best of friends but something has changed.

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Now, it isn’t me fighting the horrid cancer but my boy Brady. Unlike me, Brady doesn’t have an action plan to get rid of it. It is deep within him and now it is up to Sam and I to keep him comfortable, provide him with all of his favourite treats and give him as many cuddles as we possibly can until the day comes.

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He is on his pain medication to keep him comfortable. He sleeps a lot.

He also knows something is wrong.

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Sometimes Brady became a little too obsessed with is toys and one day, Papa Sam took all of his toys away. Brady then found a piece of sandpaper and bought it to me to ‘throw’ for him. I almost did a little wee in my pants from laughing at his serious face. 

 

Since when is he aloud to sit on Papa Sams sofa and eat a whole packet of salt and vinegar chips with him?

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When did Mama Bailey decide I can have a bone in her office while she is working?

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The tumor is in his left hip and has created a great deal of pain in his left leg that he can put no weight on it.

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This does not stop him bringing his ball to us in the hope we’ll throw it for him to chase. I have tried to explain to Brady that running after a ball on three legs on timber floor boards is going to create all kinds of havoc.

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Brady sleeps in my home office while I work through the day (geez, I must clean those windows!)

He doesn’t quite get it.

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Unhappily medicated and cold on the morning of 14/9/2017

We have carpet runners now all through the house because he simply can’t manoeuvre his three working legs on the slippery floor boards. Thankfully we have a great community that has donated carpet to us. Thank you Kirsty Binney.

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Mr Bald Bum – Where the vet took the biopsy

The time hasn’t come yet to say our goodbyes to our boy. We don’t know how many days or weeks we have left but I can assure you, each and every day our Brady is with us, it is going to be a day to bring Brady something worth wagging his tail for.

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The Wonderful Year of 2016

2016

This blog was inspired by a post I saw on Facebook by a fellow called Matt Strange. I have attached it to the bottom of this page for you to read through if you are interested. The language is a little ‘in your face’ but if you can deal with that, his message is so strong and true (In My Opinion).

Apparently 2016 was a terrible year. It was full of death and illness and war and destruction and so on. Well, I am not buying that. I think 2016 was a great year and I plan to focus on the great things that happened instead of dwelling on the bad. Why is it that we have to look at the bad things and focus on them so much? Why can’t we look at the amazing things that happened and focus on them too? Make the good things the conversation we start with instead of the bad?  I am not saying that the bad things that happened should be brushed under the carpet but, why should these things ‘ruin’ a whole year? Yes, we need to learn new ways of doing things, change ideas and prevent situations and hopefully one day, LEARN to do things better in this amazing world of ours but, there are good things to look at too.

We aren’t on this planet for long and I feel that each and every day, good and bad, should be treasured and not brushed away or wished it over. So many people, and yes, I have been guilty of this too, wish for Monday to be Friday, October to be January, the year to just be over…… Why? Why can’t we all embrace the moment we are in? Why are we all wishing our lives away waiting for what is coming next? Why are we wanting Summer when it is Winter? Why can’t we enjoy Monday like we do Friday? Why can’t mid week before pay day baked beans on toast be just as delicious as pay day steak and vegetables? Is the middle of the year really worth wishing away as we try to hurry Christmas holidays along?

Well, I am grateful for 2016 and for everything that it has given me.

Here is my ‘short’ gratitude list……..

  • I had cancer. Why would I be grateful for this? Because I don’t have it now and because I have been shown that health and happiness, friends and family, good times and bad are all so important. I can now show empathy and understanding to people who are not doing so well health wise whereas before, I thought I understood but I had no idea at all. I can also now provide support, information and compassion to those fighting cancer or those who have someone they know dealing with it.
  • My mental health took a tumble. Yep, I am indeed grateful for this because it has made me realise that I can fall apart when times aren’t so good. It doesn’t mean that times will always be bad because I have been shown from counselling, friends and family, work colleagues, my doctor and medication that there is help and a way up and out of despair. My breakdown showed me that sometimes I do need to slow down, listen to my thoughts but not take them all too seriously, enjoy the simple things in life.
  • I have a job but more than that, I have a job that I love. In this day and age, work can be hard to come by for many people and I am incredibly fortunate to have a job that pays well, is interesting, has a good management group and one that I enjoy coming to each and every day. Having had so much time off this year (and last) to fight the cancer demon and to heal the broken ankle, it increased my love for my job. I have always enjoyed my job but not being able to do it for many months on end, not having a sense of purpose each day, missing the fortnightly income, it made coming back to work so much more important for me.
  • Friends and Family and Dogs and Chickens. This all speaks for itself but I will point out, I love that I have been able to see people a little differently this year. It has become clearer to me to see people who genuinely want to be a part of my life and those that don’t. The ease of removing some people from my circle, from my friendship, has been a very simple task and one that has been quite fulfilling and at the end of the day, easy. How lovely it is to have honest, loving, caring and friendly people in my life and not battle with the unease of having to stay ‘friends’ with a person/people who really have no interest or kindness in their heart for you at all.
  • Our Volunteer and Accident & Emergency Services. Australia has had many floods, fires, storms and accidents over the year of 2016 and each time, we have a bundle of amazing, generous people who head out to fix things up. These people miss important events in their own lives to make our lives that little bit easier. Weather they’re cleaning up storm damage, assisting someone involved in a car accident, fighting the dreadful fires, they’re not doing it for themselves. They’re doing it for all of us. When you see a police car driving down the road, instead of frowning at the possibility of getting a speeding ticket or a fine for an unregistered vehicle, remember, they’re often the first people on the scene in a fatal car accident. These police men and women have one of the toughest jobs I can imagine. Not knowing what each day will bring. They are not only there to give you a ticket but they’re also there to save your life. They will be there for us. The traffic jam you are stuck in making you late for a dinner date could well be because of a paramedic trying to save someone’s life who has been hit by a car. When you have no power to your home, there is a group of people working on that right at that very moment and on top of that, have you thought about how many people live without electricity each and every day of their lives? You have to detour on your way to work because the road is closed….. There are a group of people, out in that storm chopping up and removing a fallen tree from the road. These people, each and every one of them are amazing.
  • Our Beautiful Home. Having lived in so very many different houses, units and locations in my life, having a place to call our own has been sensational. I know how incredibly lucky we are to still have this home in our lives after the reduced income and financial setbacks faced over the last 18 months. More than that, our home is a place that has been filled with friends and family celebrating various moments and to hear the laughter filling the space is something I treasure and hope to have for many years to come.
  • Kindness. I have seen so many acts of kindness this year and often, it takes my breath away to see what people will do for others knowing they won’t be rewarded by being featured in an article in the newspaper, a headline on the news, a cheque or medal…… they are doing kind and thoughtful things simply because they can. I am lucky enough to work in the city of Adelaide and whilst I see many people screw their noses up at the homeless asking for money or cigarettes, I also see people giving them a sandwich, a $10.00 note, a kind word or even a smile. I have seen companies provide the less fortunate items in need, people raising money for families/people/animals in need. Not everyone has a lot to give but it is so nice to see people giving something, even if it is just a simple smile. Having been on the receiving end of such kindness over the years, I know how helpful and appreciated these acts are.
  • My Mum. Of course, all of my family and friends are important to me but something that really stood out this year is that I have my mum in my life. Each day we email each other to say good morning and discuss the traffic into work, what was on television the night before, our plans for the weekend and where we should go for dinner on our fortnightly dinner dates. Not everyone has this amazing opportunity that I have.
  • Sam. You all know why.
  • To live in Australia. A land of extreme temperatures, kind people, amazing landscapes and wildlife. A country of opportunity, freedom, fun and beauty. Yes, we still have a long way to go when it comes to understanding and acceptance in some areas but as a whole, what a wonderful country to be living in.

Well, that was my year in a brief summary on my soap box. Obviously, there were so many other incredible things to be grateful for but I would be here for days and months and by the time I finished, it may be the end of 2017 and I for one am not going to miss a single moment of each wonderful day I am still alive on this earth.

Here is the inspiration for my blog. I have left it as is without removing the language which some of you may find offensive and I am also not going to fix up those spelling errors. (I shall avert my eyes to them J

I wish everyone an amazing end to an amazing year. No, it hasn’t been all smooth sailing but for me, I have loved my 2016. I do hope you can find some good in your 2016 and I hope everyone has a wonderful, enchanting, fun, loved up 2017.

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Matt Strange

Right, Fuck it, I’m done with ‘OMG 2016 was terrible’, here’s some fucking awesome things that happened, you’re welcome, Merry fucking Christmas

There’s an Ebola Vaccine now
Child Mortality – Down across the globe
+9% survival rate in pacreatic cancer sufferers
Gene responsible for ALS found
Volunteers in India planted 50 Million trees in 24 hours
Suicide rates down globally
The Ozone layer is repairing itself
The Rabbinical assembly issued a resolution affirming the rights of trans and non conforming individuals
MIND CONTROLLED ROBOT ARMS
Leo got dat oscar
Wild tigers numbers up FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 100 YEARS
Giant Pandas – No longer endangered
A solar powered plane did a fucking world trip
Global Malaria down by 60%
Measels ERADICATED from the Americas
93% of the world’s children learned to read and write – the highest percentage IN HUMAN HISTORY
China plans to be completely renewable by 2020 and has a global plan for by 2050
Huge global push in renewable energy
Norway committed 0 deforestation, 0
Every major grocer and fast food chain in the U.S pledged to use cage free eggs only by 2025
Manatees – No longer endangered
Wild Wolves – Back in Europe
Wild Salmon spawning in the Connecticut river for the first time since the American revolution
Columbian white tailed deer – no longer endangered
Green Sea Turtles – NO LONGER FUCKING ENDANGERED
Sea World no longer breeding captive killer whales
Humpback Whales – NO LONGER ENDANGERED
Global aid – up by 7%
Americas most generous year EVER in charity and aid
China’s most generous year EVER in charity and aid at $15 goddamn Billion

Yes, some famous fucking people you liked died, and you know what – more of them are gonna go too

but take some time to look at the fucking good and beauty in this world, good shit is happening, learn it, support it, be part of it.

Merry fucking Christmas

 

The $10,000 Bill

As I sit here in my little home office trying to waste time until my ankle surgery today, I thought I might pop in here and say HI!

I am fasting so as you can imagine, I am not in the greatest of moods AND my surgery isn’t until about 3:30pm today. I had to start fasting at 7:30am so that is a huuuuuge gap between meals.

It is just a quick day surgery today to take out two pins from my ankle. Apparently the surgeon is going to leave the plates and screws in and ‘if I want’, they can be removed in about three years or so. I forget what I had for breakfast this morning so how on earth am I going to remember about the plates and screws in my ankle in three years time?

Anyhoo, onto the TAX MAN.

I am going to have a whinge and whine about this so if you are like me and like to be around only positive things, then stop reading.  But if you wonder how you would cope when unable to work and think you have it all sorted, then read on.

Sooooo, I pay for income insurance each month which covers me for such times as when I am unable to work due to illness.

Enter Breast Cancer.

This is a perfect reason to have income insurance because, it is very difficult to hold down a full time job while having treatment for cancer such as chemotherapy, mastectomy and radiation to name a few.

Another thing I have, and pay a lot of money for, is Private Health Insurance. This ensures I can get treatment very quickly, receive very good private health care and rebates (of sorts) for some treatments.

Therefore, I feel, I am a very small burden on the government.

I am not using the public hospitals, therefore freeing it up for people who are unable to afford Private Health Insurance.

Nor am I asking the government to fund me while I am not working with Sickness Benefits because my income insurance, whilst it doesn’t pay my full wage, assists me in getting by during this time.

So, I knew that the income insurance wasn’t having tax taken out of it while I was receiving 75% of my wage but given that was quite a reduction in payment, we found it very difficult to find the extra money to pay the tax. So, in my wisdom, I ‘assumed’ that the $4,800.00 tax payment made while working (which was due to be refunded to me because I had earnt under the threshold) would cover the tax cost of income insurance.

You can imagine my absolute disgust and disappointment when finding out that that my tax bill was just under ten thousand dollars.

This is the thanks I get for having Private Health Insurance and Income Insurance.

If I had chosen to take on sickness benefits (which I am completely entitled to do so) and used the public system, I would have had no tax bill, would have more than likely even received a tax return with $$ involved, be better off each fortnight not having to pay for income insurance or health insurance and become a burden on the public system and government.

It really pissed me off.

Yes, I am very thankful to have my life, to have come out the other side and yes, I know that $10,000 is a small price to pay but geez, when do I get a break here?

Oh thats right, I got a break on the 3rd of May, 2 breaks in fact. In my leg and ankle!

Thats it. Whinge complete.

It is now time to head down to the hospital for a lovely little sleep under an anesthetic, have some pins removed, hopefully be fed when I wake up and come home some time tonight.

There is a lovely photo of my boy, fresh from his shower because I didn’t have time to find any related photos to this post. Oh, I could have taken a photo of my empty bank account and purse!

🙂

My Pity Party

Live kinda sucks at the moment. I know, it sucks for everyone. I also know, I am one of the lucky ones but, that does not discount my current mood with life.

My passion has gone. There is little to no energy for the day. I have started smoking cigarettes again, drinking too much alcohol, no money in the bank, very little weight loss after walking more than 5kms a day, no excitement about anything, fed up with oncology visits (only four left), seriously dull fiction book, nothing capturing my interest on TV, Foxtel or Netflix, reduction on my food intake but still not much of a weight loss, painful teeth, blocked tear ducts that the optometrist ‘sort of’ fixed but need more painful work, unfinished back garden,  Brady upsetting the neighbours with his barking, sore and bruised nose from falling on it last weekend……….. yep, I could go on and on. Oh, and the big issue, AM STILL FAT!

So, I decided a while ago that I was going to be completely healthy and refresh my body. Why on earth would I decide then to take up smoking again? Who knows. I know the dangers of smoking and cancer and chemo and death. The thing is, I dont give a shit about anything at the moment. I wish I could but I can’t.

I have no passion. There is nothing right now that excites me. I am trying to focus on my upcoming November wedding in 2017 but all I can focus on is the fact we have no money, I am fat and our back yard is totally unsuitable for my budget reception.

NO, I am not looking for sympathy but maybe blogging and letting it out might release some of this built up crap that goes on within me.

I am so sick of being so tired. Today, I couldn’t go to work simply due to a headache and tiredness. Who on earth needs to call in sick for these issues? Me! I slept until midday and even then, I could have slept even longer if I didn’t have an oncology/herceptin appointment. I love my work/job but I just couldn’t do it today. If I didn’t have that oncology appointment, I’d probably still be in bed.

Every day my bestie/cousin and I  email each other with how we are, whats going on and we list a minimum of three things we are thankful for for the day. I would be lost and even worse than what I am without that.

I think I need to find not only a passion but, I really need my energy and motivation back. I know I’ll find it eventually but wow, these negatives in my life are totally blocking all that I need and want right now. This is a time that I should be joyous, happy that I still have my life, nearing the end of my cancer treatment, a beautiful home, sensational Sam, amazing daughter and mum and sister…….. But right now, it all kinda sucks.pity

Tamoxifen

Lets talk about this new drug that I started taking 8 days ago.

Tamoxifen.

This drug is designed to blog the hormone, estrogen, which is what caused the breast cancer in the first place apparently.

I’ll start with the conversation with my amazing (and a little bit spunky) Dr Sid Selva.

He started the discussion with the fact that I’ll be taking it for ten years. Then he bored me with the details of what it does and how it may prevent further cancer blah blah blah. Then, he got to the side effects.

Now, anyone who has persisted in reading my blogs will know that I don’t use the term ‘side effects’ and instead call them feelings. Well, these are side effects.

When he started listing these side effects, I thought to myself…

“If this was a game show, I’d be the bloody champion because I already have all of these side effects without even taking the drug…. go me!!”

So, I started telling Dr Selva what I already had, and that I was way ahead of the Tamoxifen side effects. Here are the ones I have already….

  •  Weight Gain
  •  Irritability
  •  Reduced Sex Drive
  •  Hot flashes
  •  Anxiety
  •  Confusion
  •  Sweating
  •  Absent Periods (Yippeeeeeee)
  • Hair Loss or Thinning Hair
  • Inability to keep or get an erection (I put this in because it was on the fact sheet LOL

So, as you can see, I have quite the list already and I hadn’t even started the drug yet.

Now, for the interesting thing he said…

  •  Dry Vagina

What?

I said to the doctor (because when I think things they often shoot out of my mouth without any filter),

“is my vagina supposed to be like a dogs nose?”

Dr Selva, who I have never seen flustered or lost for words just sat there and looked at me with the biggest eyeballs I had ever seen. Ooops, wrong question perhaps?

I was getting worried internally thinking, OMG, I have had a problem with my vagina since forever because it is never ‘damp’ or ‘wet’ constantly. Maybe that is what those little panty liner things are for that I keep seeing advertised and never understood. Why has no one ever told me I should have a wet vagina?

Thankfully, Dr Selva explained the term ‘dry vagina’ refers to not being able to moisten during intercourse. OMG, how embarrassing! I could feel my entire face and body turning a lovely shade of beetroot!

We moved on pretty quickly after this topic.

Right, next we will look at what happened when I actually purchased my tamoxifen.

There is a lovely young fellow at the local pharmacy who covers for Mary on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. It was him that I saw to get this medication and he asked if it was my first time using it. I stated it was and that I would be on it for ten years and he says….

“Did the doctor discuss pregnancy and tamoxifen with you?”

Oh man, this happens to me waaaay to often, I really need to lose weight so I said, that isn’t an issue as there will be no more pregnancies for me. I stated I was too old for that. Usually I let the person know that I am just fat and not pregnant but I didn’t want to fluster my already flustered pharmacist so I left it at that.

So, I have now been on this medication for eight days and OMG, the side effects are INCREDIBLE. Well, there are a couple that aren’t but seriously, the main side effects are awesome.

I have always been a sleeper. I could easily sleep 12 to 16 hours if I wanted and often, I did want! Now, I am awake before 6am and I mean, really awake. I am ready to roll.

The energy I have is also incredible. Yesterday, I was up at 5:50am, had some coffees, played some computer games and out of no where, I decided to take Brady to the beach. I live in the Adelaide Hills so it isn’t a five minute drive to the beach but off we went. I forgot to put a bra on, lost a shoe at the beach (it is still there at Aldinga Beach South Australia somewhere. I left it’s partner on the picnic bench so if someone finds one shoe, they can go on a hunt for the other hehe) but, Brady and I had the best time. We walked and walked and he chased the tennis ball in and out of the water.

I am also feeling incredibly happy and social so I popped into the future in laws house on the way home, had a cuppa, chat, play with the dogs and off I went again.

Once home, I had my breakfast, vacuumed the floors, mopped the floors, cleaned the main bathroom and toilet, cleaned kitchen, roasted tomatoes in preparation to make passata (tomato sauce for pasta) and also cooked dinner!

  1.  I don’t wash floors (Sam does it)
  2.  Rarely do I cook dinner (Sam usually does it)
  3.  Once in over a year have I cleaned the main bathroom (Sam does it)
  4.  I have never made a home made tomato sauce
  5.  I am usually exhausted after only one of the above activities

So, all week I have risen from bed on or before 6am naturally except on Wednesday. I did wake before 6am but that was due to a horrible headache. Yes, this is another side effect from the Tamoxifen as well as incredible joint and bone pain. I am taking panadol for this but a lady on the Adelaide Breast Cancer Friendship Group site recommended I take Theracucumin with a pinch of black pepper for the pain. I will be hunting this down today because I do not fancy taking panadol every four hours for the next ten years.

Boy, that was quite a long post! Sorry if I have bored you but this is how much energy I have. Even my fingers are going crazy with energy that I just keep typing LOL.

I shall leave you now with another acklompishment for the week. Managing to get both dogs to sleep on their beds at the same time in the same room. They usually sleep on the sofa (before being found out and shooed off) or the carpet. Finally, they are on their beds.

Who Am I?

Well, I have given Sams head a break today and have not taken a bite out of it like I did yesterday. We ended our day with a gorgeous walk with the dogs and both of us felt much better for it.

Then, I had another night where I struggled to find tiredness. I read an entire book on Chickens that had been given to me by a lovely lady by the name of Sally. She is my mums friend and neighbour and has been absolutely lovely sending up bubbles, treats and books. Once I had finished the chicken book, I read a few chapters of a novel called “Odd Socks” which, thankfully, makes me sleepy.

I turned off my bedside light at 12:3oam!

Even though it took me a while to get sleepy, I did sleep well through the night until 7am. Then, my little peepers opened and I was wide awake!

I am never wide awake at that time. In fact, I am never wide awake at 10am! I got up and even Brady didn’t get up thinking I was going to go to the toilet and head back to bed.

Once he realised I was heading for the bedroom door to exit instead of heading to the ensuite, it looked as though he raised his eyebrows, he got up to head out with me.

Sam slept for a further half an hour which, is unheard of. So, when he got up and saw me at my computer desk, drinking my coffee, he was very surprised. Add to that, I was out in the street with my gorgeous Brady for a walk by 9:30am. Again, another unheard off…….

Today is day 9 without alcohol. Am I counting? Yep. It is a very difficult thing to give up for a stretch of time let alone during summer in Adelaide. There is nothing nicer than sitting out under the pergola with a nice cold glass of bubbles watching the sun set.

I am doing it though.

So, it seems this new alcohol free, reduced sugar intake, exercising person I have become now likes to wake up at the crack of dawn (7am is the crack of dawn for me) and get moving.

I have changed maaaaaaan.

……………………………………………………………………………………………….

About my girls.

So, they have been with us for more than 24 hours now and they are doing well.

I was worried if they were drinking water because it is quite warm in Adelaide at the moment. When I popped into see them when I had gotten home from my future mother in laws house, there they were, all three girls drinking. 🙂 This made me very happy.

Have you ever seen a chicken vomit? Well, I have. Today, after their big drink, Steffie Forrester ‘leaked’ out a heap of water from her beak. It wasn’t like a chunky vomit, just a heap of water but I think she might have drunk a little bit too much. Steffie and I have quite a bit in common.

She doesn’t stop eating and obviously, when given a drink, guzzles it too quick hehe.

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Before I leave, with my new healthy lifestyle, I have put on a kilo!!! ARGH!

New Friends and Half a Head

So, poor Sam only has half a head at the moment. Why? Because I bit the other half off.

I am one crazed and psycho maniac right now. I am not sure why but boy am I angry. I can’t even blame the Tamoxifan because today is only day two but boy, something is making me angry.

Sam  never bites back but today, he said my name gruffly. I stopped in my tracks and all I could hear was my crazy ass bitch comment and irrational arguing. That would explain Sams lovely words recently and the quiet drive to Mt Barker today. The poor guy has been walking on egg shells.

After my last bite of his head, he wrapped his arms around me and just held me until I shut up and realised I was being a nut case. How Lucky Am I?

Is this what menopause like? Is it my early onset of menopause making me a lunatic? Sam even asked if he has death cover just in case. Eeeek.

I had better calm the eff down I tell you. I can hear myself now and I do not sound lovely at all.

Onto something a bit more exciting….. my early birthday presents arrived today and they look like this.

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How pretty are my girls? They are 18 weeks old and absolutely gorgeous. I spent a good half hour just sitting in with them while they pecked around and enjoyed the sunshine and grass. They have fluffy little bums, individual personalities and are so relaxing to be with. I could have sat there all afternoon but I needed to come in for something to eat and to tell you all about my girls (and Sam having half a head).

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My girls are a gift from Half a Head Sam and I thank him from the bottom of my heart. Just sitting in with them calmed me straight away. I will need to keep my eyeballs out for a nice bench seat to put in with the girls so I can send myself in there when I feel my cranky ass surfacing.

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The one at the very back is called Steffie Forrester. I am still thinking of names for the other two. One (the one closest to the camera) I am thinking of calling Ugly Betty but I am worried she will get a complex. The one in front of Steffie Forrester might get the name Ivy Forrester but I will think about it for a while. In any case, I love them all and I love the calmness they bring to me.

Considering I have a huge and massive and insane fear of birds, I am very proud of myself being able to sit and chatter away to these lovely three girls.

……. peace out …… breathe in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…. breathe out 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

 

The New Normal

Seven days since I have had an alcoholic drink and seven days since I have had a decent sleep. Are they related??

Today I had a herceptin appointment so I spoke with my oncologist about this and he said it is quite normal, once you have finished with chemotherapy and radiotherapy to be stressed and unable to sleep. Apparently, the reality of it all can hit you when the hard stuff is finished.

What??!!

This just didn’t make sense to me and he said that people like me, who handle ‘breast cancer’ stuff really well, go through the surgery and chemo and radio with little stress or sadness tend to suffer once it has finished. I did remind him that I am not quite finished yet as I still have about 9 more sessions of hercepton and require further surgery later in the year. He reminded me that I am not the person I was last year. I am a different person who has been through quite an ordeal and whilst I ‘apparently’ feel that I have gone through it and come out the other side quite well, he begs to differ.

He discussed counseling or group therapy both of which I shook my head. Geez, all I want is a decent night sleep and he wants me out there talking to strangers. It then occurred to me, YOU GUYS are the ones who often keep me sane and well balanced. Yes, I have the amazing Sam and my wonderful family and friends but often, I don’t even know what I am feeling until I sit down with my keyboard and computer.

My doctor was right about one thing though, I expected to feel amazing and jumping for joy once the chemotherapy had finished. Then it was when the radiation had finished. It didn’t happen either of these times.

There is no magic feeling that comes along and wipes the previous year away.

Each step that is taken, each hurdle achieved does not make it all go away.

The fact still remains, it was a tough journey. I am a different person. My body is different and now, I am expected (mainly by myself) to get my life back to normal.

There is a new kind of normal.

This new me now has to take her body seriously. Look after it and treat it better than I ever have before.

My medication has increased to a new tablet each day for the next ten years.

I must find time to get a new boob at some stage. This can’t happen until after May 2016 and after I have lost a great deal of weight (says my surgeon).

The great news from today is, I can return to work! My oncologist filled in my forms stating my return to work date is 17/2/2016. I hope my manager(s) are as excited as I am.

This gives me five weeks to learn to become more energetic, sleep at decent times, maintain concentration and energy for a whole working day, learn organisation skills again (eg: making lunch, arranging clothes etc) and more than anything, learn to live my life without thinking of cancer.

I am looking forward to my ‘new life’. I am looking forward to the new normal to start.

If you thought you were going to get rid of me now that my new normal starts soon, you thought wrong. I have always got something to say and will still need ‘you’ to help me through.

I still want to be here to help and support or to just listen to others who are having a hard time. I have met some wonderful people through this blog and I don’t want to let them go, so I wont.

Stay tuned. I think this is going to be a fun and exciting year. 🙂

I shall leave you with a before and after photo of my gorgeous Groodle… Brady. Yesterday, he had his summer cut done and boy, is he happy about this 🙂