My Pity Party

Live kinda sucks at the moment. I know, it sucks for everyone. I also know, I am one of the lucky ones but, that does not discount my current mood with life.

My passion has gone. There is little to no energy for the day. I have started smoking cigarettes again, drinking too much alcohol, no money in the bank, very little weight loss after walking more than 5kms a day, no excitement about anything, fed up with oncology visits (only four left), seriously dull fiction book, nothing capturing my interest on TV, Foxtel or Netflix, reduction on my food intake but still not much of a weight loss, painful teeth, blocked tear ducts that the optometrist ‘sort of’ fixed but need more painful work, unfinished back garden,  Brady upsetting the neighbours with his barking, sore and bruised nose from falling on it last weekend……….. yep, I could go on and on. Oh, and the big issue, AM STILL FAT!

So, I decided a while ago that I was going to be completely healthy and refresh my body. Why on earth would I decide then to take up smoking again? Who knows. I know the dangers of smoking and cancer and chemo and death. The thing is, I dont give a shit about anything at the moment. I wish I could but I can’t.

I have no passion. There is nothing right now that excites me. I am trying to focus on my upcoming November wedding in 2017 but all I can focus on is the fact we have no money, I am fat and our back yard is totally unsuitable for my budget reception.

NO, I am not looking for sympathy but maybe blogging and letting it out might release some of this built up crap that goes on within me.

I am so sick of being so tired. Today, I couldn’t go to work simply due to a headache and tiredness. Who on earth needs to call in sick for these issues? Me! I slept until midday and even then, I could have slept even longer if I didn’t have an oncology/herceptin appointment. I love my work/job but I just couldn’t do it today. If I didn’t have that oncology appointment, I’d probably still be in bed.

Every day my bestie/cousin and I  email each other with how we are, whats going on and we list a minimum of three things we are thankful for for the day. I would be lost and even worse than what I am without that.

I think I need to find not only a passion but, I really need my energy and motivation back. I know I’ll find it eventually but wow, these negatives in my life are totally blocking all that I need and want right now. This is a time that I should be joyous, happy that I still have my life, nearing the end of my cancer treatment, a beautiful home, sensational Sam, amazing daughter and mum and sister…….. But right now, it all kinda sucks.pity

Plodding Along

The title says it all. I honestly feel like I am just plodding along through life and I feel lost. Each day (during the week) feels the same. Poor Dr Hands is really struggling to cheer me up and I want to cheer up but I can’t. I just feel down. I feel nothing. I don’t feel happiness.

I thought I would feel this through the recovering from surgery phase. I didn’t.

I thought I would feel it through chemotherapy. I didn’t.

Yes, there were times that I struggled here and there through each of the above but the feelings were so far and few between.

Recovering from surgery was ok because I was inundated with such lovely visitors, love, flowers, gifts, medication etc.

Chemotherapy I had Sam feeding, drugging and watering me. People (my mum) visiting and the neighbours caring for me. Medication to make me feel better and there seemed like a kind of purpose to it all.

Now, I am having radiotherapy and I am all twisted in the head. Is it possible that radiation brings you down? I have struggled with anxiety disorder for many years and I wonder if the radiotherapy has cancelled my medication out?

Or, is it the drive to and from the city each day, sitting in a waiting room that is depressing and full of very old people that brings me down?

Maybe it is the Radiotherapy clinic I attend that brings me down.

The oncology unit I went to for chemo was always upbeat and all of the staff knew me and smiled and hello’d me. Some would ask me about my blog and if Sam wasn’t with me they would ask about him by name.

The radiotherapy unit is different. The receptionists (except one) are grumpy and not at all friendly. The patients in the waiting room are all elderly and so frail looking. I want to feed these people and make them smile but they wont look at me let alone talk to me.

There is a big difference between oncology and radiation.

And another thing. Have I told you that I have lymphodema? Well, I had my first lymphodema massage two weeks ago and oh wow, it was amazing. I loved it. One hour of left arm and left side massage was incredible.

Well, I had another of these appointments today and it was shit. There was no lovely massage but it was some kind of laser therapy. I dont want that. This laser thing just flashed and beeped for an hour as the lady ran from room to room changing all the laser thingies on each of us but it sucked. I wanted my massage. Where was my massage?

The massage/laser lady said that there had been a slight improvement in my elbow crease but the rest of my arm had remained the same. All of my own personal massage and squeezing of the memory foam thingy had done nothing. I want my massage back.

This laser therapy was so much like having my car tuned. I pay a fortune but can’t see or feel any difference.

Then, I had my radiation appointment which was 2 hours and 20 minutes after my crap laser therapy so I took myself out for lunch which was amazing. I went to a city cafe and they made me a gorgeous, gluten free and tender chicken tenderloin salad with a hint of sweet chili and balsamic salad. Amazing!

I had been told that the whole of South Terrace (where my clinic for radiotherapy is) would be closed off today so I made sure I had at least an hour and a half to find some where to park (imagining a two block walk) only to find that the entire of South Terrace was not blocked off at all. The work men had resurfaced the road on the weekend instead so, I ended up parking right in front of my clinic in a two hour spot and at my appointment one hour and twenty minutes early! FFS.

Blow me down with a feather but they had a free spot that someone had cancelled (it was hot today so the patient couldn’t come in) and I went in and was zapped in no time. Quick hello to Professor Borg (he is monitoring my treatment and wont let me lose any weight until after radiotherapy) and I was on my way.

Driving home I said to me,

“Me, I think you should have an alcohol free day today”

I was home for 10 minutes before getting back into the car to drive to the local bottle shop to get some bubbles. No, I do not think I am an alcoholic. Yes, I love the bubbles fizzing on my tongue hehe. AND it is nice on my sore radiation infected throat. It is medicinal!!!

As anyone knows, I do not like the words side effects but use the word ‘feelings’ when it comes to something that has occurred during treatment.

Here are my feelings with radiotherapy.

  1. Burnt throat. It feels like tonsillitis. When I eat or drink it hurts and feels like the liquid or food has to go through a big lump in my throat to get down. The Professor has recommended taking two pandadol before each meal. This is silly because apparently you are only supposed to take a maximum of 8 panadol a day. Has he seen the size of me? Obviously I eat more than three times a day!! Not anymore.
  2. Redness on my shoulder, front and back. So, I am being zapped not only on the ‘bomb site’ but also my collar bone and shoulder because of being HER2 positive and the cancer being known to pop into these areas. The bomb site, where my lovely leftie boobie was taken from, is slightly itchy but nothing too bad.
  3. Depression. I’ll work out why that is occurring and will get back to you.

As usual, Dr Hands is on call for cuddles, kisses and love. He is worried about me, I can see this and I am trying so very hard to make this easier for him but it is hard. He has known me too long and can see straight through me.

If you are new to this blog, Dr Hands is my fiancee Sam and he doesn’t read this blog (Phew).

The recent highlights are

  1. My gorgeous and amazing daughter, Accalia-Jayne, came with me to my herceptin appointment and radiotherapy appointment last Thursday. We had coffee between appointments and after appointments. This girl of mine (22 years old) is an amazing person and can make me laugh, can hold a conversation and has amazing social skills and manners.
  2. My team from work’s Christmas Lunch. I haven’t seen these people since April 7 2015. I love that I was invited to the Christmas Lunch and they all had a hug for me, made me laugh and feel a part of the team again. AND, they want me back hehe. I’ll be back at work soon and I can’t wait!
  3. A trip to the beach with my long time friend Tracey, her son Ben and my gorgeous boy (groodle dog) Brady. We started with a drive to Willunga for lunch and then proceeded to Aldinga Beach where I watched Ben (who is aged 4 foot?? I think about 6 or 7 years old??) encourage Brady into the water with no effort at all. I have never seen Brady in the beach water or, so bloody clean after being in the water! Check out the photo below, Ben took Brady much further into the water but I like to live my life through my eyes and not a camera.
  4. A lovely and gentle visit from my Mum on Saturday. She always makes me feel calm and relaxed
  5. Sam bought me a Santa to go with the Reindeer! He is getting into the Christmas spirit (or just suffering for the cause).
  6. I made a new friend today. Leslie has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and has MY surgeon and MY hospital. She seems amazing (we are communicating via facebook) but I must remember, these early times of being told of having breast cancer are frightening and I must be sensitive. (I am quite blase about it all at the moment and do not want to be like that with a new cancer patient).
  7. I am still alive.

I shall leave you with a giggle, if you have the giggleness of my neighbour Clare who thought these two photos were hilarious!

Photo 1. Dogs plus reindeer, all happy and awake. Kelly (red staffy x) and Brady Bailey-Wilkinson (white groodle) are kissing in front of Smiley (reindeer)

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This is after all the fun and games

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Ben and Brady

You’re So Vain….

When I was younger, I was amazing. I was gorgeous. No one could resist me. Just ask the younger me and that is what she would say. I was blonde, very thin and naive. I was dopey which, apparently guys loved as much as a slim waist.

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Obviously as one grows older, they grow outter (larger) sometimes, wrinklier, fatter etc.

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Me? Well, I never thought I would be anything other than amazing. I really wasn’t even that amazing but at the time? Well, I thought I was amazing and that is all that matters.

Today, a friend of Dr Hands came to the door but I thought he was a local council worker and answered the door. He asked if Sam was home and looked at me as though he knew me. I felt disgusting. Seriously. I have a fluff of hair on either side of my head with nothing in the middle like an old man. I have two large sores on my face from disgusting pimples that could not be hidden even if I were a super model. I have no eye lashes or eye brows. Tears running from my eyes.

It is now that I feel disgusting. I feel like a cancer patient. Previously I have been proud of my bald head and face showing that I am going to be a survivor of breast cancer. That I was too proud to cover up……. I didn’t care that I had not one hair on my body and the tears that streamed down my face were chemotherapy related and the sores on my face and arms were from what ever caused them to chemo not allowing them to heal.

Today, after Dr Hands friend left I almost put a spot light on his face asking him a series of questions like – Did your friend know I was sick or does he think I choose to look this way?

Poor Dr Hands, who was actually pleased to have a visitor was like a deer in the headlights saying yes honey, he knows you are sick and that no, you do not choose to look that way.

Over the years, I have gone from a size 8 to a size None of your Business but big.  I have had excuses or hand waves for this but now, I feel vain. I feel so effin ugly that it isn’t even funny now.

I dont want sympathy or confirmation that I am a great person etc but shit, this really sucks.

I remember on one of my birthdays that an Aunt said to me, “you do not appreciate your looks or figure” and man, she was right. I didn’t appreciate my looks or figure  but I sure do now…..

No, I do not want to be supermodel gorgeous but this is not what I expected my later life to be.

How many of us have had a wonderful teenage and mid twenties look that we though would never end? Well, as my wonderful Aunt said, you do not appreciate your looks or figure” – maybe we should appreciate our good looks, health, energy and sex drive while we have it 🙂

I shall now inundate you with prettier photos of me than today 🙂

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Uniden Digital Camera
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Mum and Accalia

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Ok. so that last photo of Sam and I isn’t exactly pretty but it does remind me that I thought I was pretty, amazing and what not but today, that is not the situation.

Today I have an old mans head. Hair on the left. Hair on the right. Nothing in the middle. Three bright red pimple spots (sores do not heal fast with chemo/cancer treatment).

ANYHOO — I just want everyone to know (if you give a hooot) that I haven’t blogged recently for two reasons.

1 – A very special person who I love very deeply has been diagnosed with cancer. We haven’t an answer how bad or rampant it is but it has stopped me in my tracks. I love you girl and I wait for each and every result. This is not my story to tell but just know, I think of you each and every day and wish I could hug you until you were all better

2 – I have been feeling a bit out of sorts myself not just because of above but because there is still so much more to do. Yes, my chemo is finished and everyone thinks I should be shouting it from the rooftops and I get this. But, I have 8 months worth of herceptin left to go and 33 treatments of of radiation therapy. It isn’t over for me and I do not feel the joy that those do that post all of those wonderful pics of themselves with placards of last chemo treatment etc. Don’t get me wrong, I am totally all for those women who post those pics of their last chemo etc. It is just not me. I have too much more I have to do before I can celebrate. I have herceptin and surgery and radiation etc.

Anyhoo, Today, enjoy every single minute of it. Are you at work? Enjoy and embrace the fact you have a job. Can you see sunshine? Rain? Thunderstorms? Be happy you can see the weather. Have no hair to brush? Feel off your food? Constipated? Hemorrhoids? Diarrhea? Cry! Yell. Scream. You are alive to feel and live these things. I am not terminal and that, that, makes me smile through all of the pain, the torture, the agony.

Smile.

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My two besties Tracey and Nicole

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My gorgeous girls – Accalia my daughter and Stacey her gorgeous girlfriend xx

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See the way this ‘bitch’ looks at me when she is with Sam? Yeah, Well, Kelly (the bitch) and I are besties now hehe. This photo was from when I first moved in with Sam. Look at her unimpressed face… hehhe i totally love this photo

Look Who Came To Visit!!

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These two wonderful ‘peeps’ are my gorgeous daughter Accalia-Jayne and her dog Buster. OMG OMG OMG how gorgeous are they both? Seriously, my daughter has always been gorgeous but her dog which she and her Grandma Lorraine share, Buster, is just amazing.

I am a dog person, that is no secret but rarely do I actually fall in love with someone elses dog until today. Buster is just beautiful. He is only about 10 months old, huge but so well behaved.

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It absolutely made my day to see my gorgeous daughter (and puppy) because this week is chemo week. I am ready to go with the second to last chemo but boy, did Buster make my week a whole lot better. AND my lovely daughter bought me some gorgeous flowers…

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My house is now full of flowers because gorgeous neighbour Clare, who I invited over to meet Buster, also bought me some flowers from her ‘iron lady’

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And just in case you get some Buster blues… here are some more piccies of that gorgeous guy….

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Talking to The Kid

So, I was chatting with Accalia yesterday and boy, I just don’t kids grow up so quick and wise these days.

I am a very proud mother to Accalia who is 22 years old and whilst we text more than we talk due to this cancer and chemo bizzo, I keep thinking of something she said to me yesterday.

Being the misery guts that I was (which I think is a bit unusual for me because I have been quite positive about all of it so far but the loss of my engagement ring may have tipped me over the edge slightly)… any whoo I was complaining to Accalia on the phone about how my four hour chemo, reaction to the dye from the heart pool test and the loss of my ring and how this was meant to be the best year of my life.

Sam and I were handed the keys to our brand new built house to our design on the 19th of December 2014, the same day my gorgeous man Sam proposed to me. I had a new ‘promotion’ job which I loved, everything was going so great and now this cancer and chemo and radiotherapy and all the other bullshit. She was very patient listening to me blubber away on the phone.

My gorgeous and very intelligent daughter responded with….

The best year is just on hold Mummy, it might well be next year.

Thank you my girl for your words of wisdom. These words of yours have kept running through my head. You know me, I am not one to dwell on much so to have a few days of blugh is a bit of a shock to me. Thanks for grounding me. Love you to bits.

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Uniden Digital Camera

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Un-Engaged :(

Some weeks just suck and this week kinda fits the bill.

On Tuesday, I had to meet with my Professor, you remember all that? Well, while we were in the waiting room, at 3:30pm,  I was gazing at my gorgeous engagement ring and Sam was giggling away at me etc.

Wednesday morning, I woke to NO RING.

This house has been turned upside down so many times, the cleaner came through it today, I have even put rubber gloves on and squished dog shit between my fingers in case it slipped off while I was feeding the dogs.

Sam pulled the washing machine apart because my ring often slips off when I put a load of washing into the machine but all he found was $7.00 and some nails.

I went through all of the bins, car, lodged a police report, rang all of the places we had been too on Tuesday.

Where is my ring?

It had been getting a little loose because I have lost a little weight but it wasn’t slipping off everytime I moved my hand.

The only place left (if it hasn’t been found and sold) is inside Kelly.

Remember her. She is the one who has always had a little grudge against me when it comes to the love of Sam. Don’t get me wrong, Kelly and I are besties now but I wonder if she has taken it too far and eaten my ring.

When I fed them on Tuesday night, they got a treat of Tin Food which they rarely get and I mushed it all in amongst their biscuits. Kelly gobbles down her food so fast that she wouldn’t have noticed a diamond ring.

But get this, Kelly poops every night but hasn’t done one all day or tonight. Could there be a diamond ring blocking her up? She will now be sleeping in the garage because she is more than happy to poop in there at night. I am hoping there is a glistening diamond poo waiting for me in the morning.

Oh, and my chemo today went for just under 4 hours. The heart pool scan dye gave me a rash.

One a high note, we came home to a beautifully clean home, Thank you family and Shanna. I also got a lovely phone call from my darling daughter.

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Splurge Money

Do you remember a while back when I told you about some people who had raised money for me to use just for me? No bills or medical appointment costs etc?

They were the team who included my gorgeous daughter Accalia, my lovely friends Mia and Nicole which linked with Black Canvas Photography, Bendigo Bank and others…

Well, they raised money for me to splurge on myself and so far I had bought some lovely bottles of sparkling wine, Baileys Irish Cream, gorgeous matching bedside lamps, a lovely tree painting on canvas and today….

Lobster Tails and Scallops.

I dont have much of an appetite and is a constant argument with Dr Hands and I. He is constantly questioning me on what I have eaten and had to drink blah blah blah.

So, on the way home from the extra long Radiotherapy appointment, Dr Hands asked me what I wanted for dinner and straight away I said, lets go to Cappo Seafood!

It is on the way home from the city and a place we used to go to often but since we now live in the country, we rarely even mention it. So, we went to Cappo to see what whet my appettite.

Lobster Tails! 3 x $20.00. Yes Please! Give me Give Me Give me!! I picked up a couple of scallops on skewers and a hand full of cooked prawns. Yup, thank you ‘splurge money’.

So, tonight, Dr Hands made garlic butter lobster tail and the two skewers of scallops (5 x each skewer) and yummo. I ate the six prawns while I waited for him to cook the dinner but was totally worth it.

Normally, neither Dr Hands nor I would ever consider me having such an extravagant meal but due to our current situation, it wouldn’t be in our budget. My ‘splurge money’ has been all about me thanks to everyone involved, I was able to indulge.

Let me say………grrrrrrrrr, mmmmmmmm, yummmmmmmm **insert Homer drawl**

This was a total splurge and so well appreciated.

Thank you Mia, Accalia, Black Canvas Photography, Bendigo and Adelaide Bank, Sue Sayles and all the others I do not know of.

I am frightened of the upcoming bills of radiotherapy and such but to be able to enjoy such a meal (including some lovely bubbles) was such a lovely moment that could not have happened without you all.

So, I am being very careful with my ‘splurge money’ that has been collected, please know that it has been so very much appreciated.

xx

Mothers and Daughters Communication

Text comes in from my daughter

Daughter – Hey mummy. How are you feeling? You haven’t blodded in 4 days! Hope you are ok, I love you.

Me – Hi There. I’m ok. Just been a bit flat and tired that’s all. Love you too

Daughter – Okay xxx

New age communication.

I love that she thinks of me and also judges my heath as per each blog xx

She is great, dont get me wrong but I thought this was super funny.

Love that kid of mine.

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Photo is about five years old… I had hair, skinniness and eyelashes 🙂 My daughter is still as gorgeous today as she was back then…..

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My baby girl will always be my baby girl, even if she is now 22 xx

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Here is my baby girl (on the left) with her love Stacey 🙂 xx