My Pity Party

Live kinda sucks at the moment. I know, it sucks for everyone. I also know, I am one of the lucky ones but, that does not discount my current mood with life.

My passion has gone. There is little to no energy for the day. I have started smoking cigarettes again, drinking too much alcohol, no money in the bank, very little weight loss after walking more than 5kms a day, no excitement about anything, fed up with oncology visits (only four left), seriously dull fiction book, nothing capturing my interest on TV, Foxtel or Netflix, reduction on my food intake but still not much of a weight loss, painful teeth, blocked tear ducts that the optometrist ‘sort of’ fixed but need more painful work, unfinished back garden,  Brady upsetting the neighbours with his barking, sore and bruised nose from falling on it last weekend……….. yep, I could go on and on. Oh, and the big issue, AM STILL FAT!

So, I decided a while ago that I was going to be completely healthy and refresh my body. Why on earth would I decide then to take up smoking again? Who knows. I know the dangers of smoking and cancer and chemo and death. The thing is, I dont give a shit about anything at the moment. I wish I could but I can’t.

I have no passion. There is nothing right now that excites me. I am trying to focus on my upcoming November wedding in 2017 but all I can focus on is the fact we have no money, I am fat and our back yard is totally unsuitable for my budget reception.

NO, I am not looking for sympathy but maybe blogging and letting it out might release some of this built up crap that goes on within me.

I am so sick of being so tired. Today, I couldn’t go to work simply due to a headache and tiredness. Who on earth needs to call in sick for these issues? Me! I slept until midday and even then, I could have slept even longer if I didn’t have an oncology/herceptin appointment. I love my work/job but I just couldn’t do it today. If I didn’t have that oncology appointment, I’d probably still be in bed.

Every day my bestie/cousin and I  email each other with how we are, whats going on and we list a minimum of three things we are thankful for for the day. I would be lost and even worse than what I am without that.

I think I need to find not only a passion but, I really need my energy and motivation back. I know I’ll find it eventually but wow, these negatives in my life are totally blocking all that I need and want right now. This is a time that I should be joyous, happy that I still have my life, nearing the end of my cancer treatment, a beautiful home, sensational Sam, amazing daughter and mum and sister…….. But right now, it all kinda sucks.pity

Merry Christmas – I’m Not Done Yet

7th of April I was told I had cancer.

8th of April my breast cancer was confirmed and the fact it had spread.

At this time, I’ll be honest, I did not imagine I would experience such a positive and wonderful Christmas.

Yesterday, I experienced a wonderful Christmas.

I am incredibly fortunate that I  have such a wonderful network of people backing my health and the front runner of this wonderful network is Sam.

He made me promise not to buy gifts for each other this year as we simply couldn’t afford it and naturally, he didn’t stick to his word. I received such wonderful gifts and these were, a Game of Thrones colouring book, a gorgeous breast cancer pandora charm and a women’s health diary.

There is no way on this planet, in this life, that I want to live it without my Samuel Wilkinson.

After my gorgeous Dr Hands surprised me with my wonderful gifts, we then packed up and got ready for a full day of driving and visiting.

First up we traveled to the gorgeous and amazing property of Sam’s cousins’ house at Gummeracha –  Nikki McGrane and Braden Hutt, and wow, what a gorgeous home and setting for Christmas. Thank you so much for having us and I can’t wait to visit again soon.

Here I am with ‘Santa’ Darren!

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There were many laughs and bubbles (Thank you Auntie Susie not only for the bubbles but also for watching you go down the slip and slide heheheheeh) and then we were off to my Auntie Lyn and Uncle Phils house at Gawler.

As you can see, if you know South Australia, we had a bit of driving to do but it was very worth it. Thankfully, Dr Hands did all the driving which left me to drink all of the bubbles out of the Adelaide Hills 🙂

The Poo bit of it all is me. I have finished Radiation. Yay.

I have finished Chemotherapy. Yay.

But my cancer journey hasn’t ended and I do try to be all happy and positive with everyone but it isn’t all happy and wonderful.

Cancer doesn’t really end.

I still have 10 sessions of Herceptin. Ok, so there are no side effects from this and I only have it every three weeks….

Medication needs to be taken for the next ten years.

I have a 1 in 20 chance of getting cancer again somewhere in my body.

I stupidly said I would give up alcohol in January with no end date (I must have been drunk when I made this deal)

But, my point is, whilst the shitty sides are over, it isn’t over.

Another but, I love that I got to see another Christmas.

I Love that I got cuddles from my gorgeous niece Kally and nephew Jordan.

I got to see most of my family at Auntie Lyns house. With lots of laughs and food and drinks.

Many giggles were had at Sam’s family doo this arvo and my goodness, Santa Darren and Auntie Susie on the slip and slide almost had me doing a lady leak in my pants!

I love that I had another Christmas and I have the positive results to see many more to come.

Thankyou to all who have followed my journey so far. There is more to come so stay tuned.

I have loved today as I do with all Christmas celebrations. I can’t wait to celebrate many more.

He is a picture of Sam and I with our lovely neighbour John. (John is in the Middle)

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I do wish that everyone reading this had an equally amazing and happy Christmas as Sam and I had.

I will talk to you all soon, when I get over tomorrows hangover xx

Long Weekend Laughs and Fun!

Firstly and Most Importantly – Happy Happy Birthday JD – To my wonderful and amazing and oh so handsome nephew Jordan. It was nine years ago today that I walked into my little baby sisters hospital room and burst into tears with so much pride and adoration for what she had popped out of her. He was and is amazing.

Here is a photo of Jordan and I (few years ago)

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JD and Me 🙂
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Baby Brady and JD

Jordan and his mum in below photo (look who sneaked into the back ground ahahahahah)

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Here he is with big sister Tarin

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So, a super duper amazing happy 9th Birthday to that gorgeous little boy.

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Friday 2nd of October, 2015

Dr Hands has an RDO (rostered day off for those who dont know what that is) and it was an amazing and beautiful day so he and I decided it was a perfect day to have a few drinkies together out with our darling dogs, under our new patio. And drink we did. I had had a particularly bad week spending the majority of it in bed feeling poorly, headachey, boneachey etc. Typical chemo feelings so it was sensational to feel good.

My neighbours, later in the evening (and me having had a few bottles of bubbles) received some bad news and needed the internet as theirs had crashed. So, Dr Hands was by now in bed and I was sailing the rough seas trying to make it to the front door, tooing and froing but I made it. The only thing I know to do when there is a drama is offer alcohol so yet, opened another bottle while we left John to do the work that needed to be done on the computer and Clare and I to drink some lovely Rosemont O Moscato on ice at midnight with Beaches on the TV in the background. I would like to take note to not drink that much in case neighbours need me in future but I think they’d be more surprised to visit me very late on a Friday night sober so I should just maintain my manner as is.

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Saturday 3rd of October, 2015

I wake feeling great! I have a gift for avoiding many hangovers. Up I get and mum makes her weekly visit and I am feeling that good that I suggest we go out to the local cafe for lunch. Mum was very surprised by this because it has been months since I have felt well enough to leave the house for an actual outting that wasn’t grocery shopping.

What really sucked though was the chemo tears and runny nose dont take a break so they came with me. It looked like I cried through out most of lunch and then of course, diarrhea comes along. Thank goodness there were no other patrons and it was a huge and comfy toilet.

Here is a not so recent piccie of my mama and I. She is absolutely gorgeous. Man, how fat do I look in this photo? Don’t comment, it’s ok. At least I have hair

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Saturday Night 3rd October, 2015

I am not sure what I did between lunch with mum and when the neighbours came over so it couldn’t have been too interesting but that sure did change in a hurry.

So, Clare and John (next door, night nurse (I shouldn’t need to explain these people to you anymore) and the ‘newish’ neighbours Shaz and Geoff called on over. We started with two bottles of whiskey (is that what Jack Daniels is?) but keep in mind they weren’t full because Dr Hands had already had a few and Clare had an already started bottle but in any case, there was a lot of whiskey. Geoff and Shaz bought over an esky of beer and I had my bubbles. There was NO whiskey by the end of the night!

Dr Hands and I are kinda on the larger size so we never have any snacks ‘on hand’. Thankfully Shaz and Geoff bought over a pack of chips (that was the food for the night) so you can imagine the turn things took.

I am not sure how or why it happened but Dolly, my prosthetic boob, popped out and made a trip around the table, and Clare was most taken by it….

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Dr Hands and Pyro (Night Nurses other profession) decided to do a bit of a burn off down the back paddock, and once Clare and Shaz decided to head down there, Pyro went the quick way, she did a roll down the hill, Shaz was freaking out trying to save her and Dr Hands just stood on top of the hill and gave them both a wave when they got to the bottom of the hill.

Here is the fire, as you can see, it’s a fair distance to roll down to.

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Now, I am going to show you a disgusting photo of me but it is to see my ‘platinum blonde’ hair, try not to look at the disgusting sick looking face that goes with it 🙂 You might have to zoom in but I can totally see the blonde 🙂

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What does frighten me is that maybe, just maybe, Dr Hands is right…. maybe it is grey….. but I will continue to call it platinum blonde :).

Here is a photo of John giving love to our Kelly

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Look who Kelly chose to spend the night with though….

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Clare was snuggled up on our sofa and Kelly was there to look after her.

What absolutely amazed us about Clare is that not only is this one happy chic every time we see her but she even smiles in her sleep! How on earth does someone so drunk look so gorgeous sleeping?

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Sunday 4th of October, 2015

Slept until 5pm. Avoided hangover due to sleeping until 5pm.

Happy Happy Birthday to my gorgeous niece Tarin! One more year and you will be an ‘adult’ eeeeeeek xx

Taz

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Monday (Public Holiday) 5th of October, 2015

Here is what I look like today, be warned, it isn’t pretty…. Not only have I got the normal chemo tears and runny nose but also, a kickass amount of hayfever. I really think I might be broken today.

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Right, well that was quite a long and drawn out post. Hopefully some part of it held some interest to you. 🙂

Oh, someone asked recently when my last chemo was and it is 15th of October, 2015.

The Week That Was…..

I felt amazing mid to late this week. That totally makes up for the absolute and amazing crap feeling I had after the ‘new’ chemo drugs a couple of weeks ago.

So, This week, I took myself out for a drive to Mt Barker (South Australia, Australia) and did a spot of shopping, took myself out for lunch, walked the streets and had a wonderful time.

Thursday I met up with a BFF Tracey, had a semi decent lunch (too much organic and not enough flavour) but a great catch up and walk around Mt Barker and again, felt amazing.

Until you ‘can’t get out and about’, you have no idea how great it is to actually, get out and about.

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Uniden Digital Camera

Friday, still feeling good even though I slept a lot of the day.

Today, (Saturday) I deliberately had a luxurious sleep in because nothing needed to be done and in all honesty, I was feeling a bit flat and off.

I then got a phone call from one of my many cousins, Christine, and in all honesty, I felt like I had caught up with her in person. It was wonderful to chat to her on the phone and hear about her boys, job and life. I think some people think you have to be face to face to be a part of someones life but when you are many kilometers away from one another, the phone call can feel like a face to face catch up. I think Christine was my first ever friend, we went to ballet together, she included me in ‘spin the bottle’ with her grown up friends and we have laughed. Laughed  for many years….

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Today (again) once I had showered and dressed, I popped over to one of the ‘Real Housewives of Meadows” Lisa and had a lovely chat but as I entered the house, there was Summer. Summer is my friend, my nemesis and everything in between.

She, Summer, looks at me as I walk in and says…

“Damanda, your eyes are all red”

I say, yeah I know Summer, they are just a bit irritated today. It is a chemo thing.”

Her reply…

“Well, look at my beautiful eyes”… She has mascara on and her eyes look amazing and I was like…

“oh  yeah, nice Summer, your eyes look pretty’ and she shakes her head and says ‘Yeah, I know”

So, I then talk to one of the Real Housewives of Meadows’ about parties and weddings etc and Summer looks at me with ‘that look’ and I say ‘Sam and I are going to get married when I am feeling better ok?’

Summer says..

‘Yeah well, you need hair to have a wedding’

I said,

‘Can I wear a wig?’

Summer asked what a wig was and I explained it was like fake hair but looked really nice and nope, she is not keen on this idea, It has to be real hair.

Thanks Summer for keeping it real xx

Here is the highlight of my week being my cauliflower the size of my head

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Sparkle Me Up Baby!

I have had an amazing two days in a row.

Yesterday, I took myself out into town (40 kms round trip) and had an amazing time. I spent the last of my splurge money. Remember all the wonderful people who had bought yummy chocolates to raise money so I could splurge on myself guilt free?

Well, I used the last of that money yesterday by buying a lovely ring to sit over my new engagement ring so it doesn’t fall off. It is gorgeous. It will keep my amazing ‘family’ engagement ring safe. (see previous post if you have no idea what I am talking about)

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See that beautiful ring next to my engagement ring? I thank you Accalia, Mia and Friends for providing me the splurge money to be able to afford such a pretty ring to protect my equally pretty engagement ring.

Today, I met up with Tracey for a coffee and lunch which was lovely, a spot of shopping and back home to a visit from my little friend in the neighbourhood.

Before I lost my hair, Sam and I picked up some fun ‘fake tattoo’s’ to play around with should the need arise when my hair fell out. Well, my little friend popped over today because I had bought her a little gift and she came to pick it up. We shared some naughty sugary bubbly drinks and this is what she did to my head

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or here is another view

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and another….

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Aren’t we all thinking my lovely neighbour Summer (aged 4) has done a great job??

Well, here is the artist and myself..

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Clare had a bloody ball tattooing me all over my face and head. So no, it wasn’t my four year old neighbour Summer but in fact, Clare, my gorgeous 40 something neighbour hehe.

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Love my third eye in the middle of my head. What is even funnier is the fact that as I was saying goodbye to Clare, a lovely lady walked passed with an amazing blue staffy and I said “Hello Gorgeous” to the dog and the lady laughed. I was mortified thinking she thought I had called HER gorgeous until Clare reminded me that I was tattoo’d all over my face. Shit.

Then, other neighbour Sharon popped over to return items from the weekends piss up and yep, she had to chat to me trying to be serious while looking at THIS FACE.

Love being bald and having fake tattoos to play with hehe. Clare had a ball.

I feel so sparkly right now. I might be a little hard to resist tonight come bedtime

oohhh la la

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Boogers and Safety Nets

Hair Loss. Did you realise that included my nose hairs?

What worries me here is what are my boogers going to hang on to now? They are like trapeze artists aren’t they? Clinging on to their rope, swinging away over to the next rope, but, I am outta ropes up there. When a booger appears, there are going to be no ropes and NO SAFETY NET!

What happens? Am I just going to be sitting in a cafe somewhere, some day and a booger will just fall out of my nose onto the table next to my friande and coffee?

Usually, I think, once a booger has finished their trapeze act, they’d fall into the nest of nose hairs at the bottom and wait for you to blow it out into a tissue. They’d just hang out on that safety net of nose hair until you are ready BUT I HAVE NO SAFETY NET.

Ah man, people warn you about chemotherapy side effects being feelings of nausea, mouth ulcers, fatigue, bone pain but nothing about boogers. What About The Boogers!!??

I was talking the neighbours John and Clare about it yesterday with them being nurses and all but they were no help, all they did was laugh. When I asked for a tissue, I got given a paper towel and told, it’s super absorbent! How much did he think I had up there?

A few hours later I received a text from Clare advising there was a little gift on the front door matt for me.

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Pocket Pack Tissues. Thanks guys! You really are the caring neighbours one needs with they have no nose hairs…

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Cancer is Lonely …..

As the title says, cancer can be lonely but also, so very boring. I can fault no one for making me feel lonely except for the chemo treatment given.

This is going to sound a little strange but I think this is the best treatment I have had. I had it on Thursday 2nd of July and had a sensational two days following. I felt upbeat, energised, hungry and happy.

Come Sunday, that all goes to shit. I am not tired, can’t stay awake, have no interest in talking, eating, drinking or even opening my eyes for that matter.

Today is Wednesday and beside the battle between ‘Bailey and Brady’, nothing much has happened.

I am Bailey.

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This is Brady

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As any dog trainer knows, dogs have their behavioral changes at the age of 2 and 7. Brady is going through age 7 behavior change and we are butting heads. He is being ever so naughty. Not coming to me when I quietly and gently request. Looks on at me mockingly when I request he remove his smelly butt from my sofa etc

But, beside all that, I have felt that I have done nothing but sleep since Sunday until today, Wednesday evening. I felt ever so teary earlier today but that was just some girly crap and went away quick enough.

What I am so very thankful for is my wonderful neighbours in my lovely little village. Dr Hands went and bought me a bottle of bubbles because I needed something to give me a lift and that whole bottle didn’t even touch the sides. A quick text next door to Night Nurse and all was good in the world as a new bottle of bubbles arrived at my door step (do not judge one with cancer) and we even had some lovely chats, laughs and gossip.

Speaking of neighbours, did you know these neighbours of mine are from England and dont eat until around 8pm at night??? Who the hell eats at that time of night? Well, they do……… it is just wrong if you ask me but moving on…

You have no idea that sleeping from Sunday to Wednesday night can be so lonely until you go through it. And this comes from someone like me who loves her bed, own company, books, dogs etc. If I can become lonely and teary through this spa treatment  effect, I dread to imagine how it would be for someone a little more social and sun shinier than me.

I dont want to sound like a lecturer but seriously, if you have a friend or neighbour going through this shitty illness, extend a hand. Weather it be an ear or a chatty mouth, please give it. If I can be teary because of no company, and I have a Dr Hands in my life, then I dread to think what it would be like for someone more social than myself.

My High note of the week was a sensational package left in my letterbox (I missed my visit from postie Ashley) which was a gorgeous square from Josie who is an amazing lady at work. She has made some amazing gluten free treats for me at work so it was quite a surprise to get a square from her!! Also, what I should mention more than anything, is the notes, letters and cards I receive with these squares. Thank you so much Josie for my lovely square which actually almost matches another square I have here ……

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Isn’t this square just amazing? I love it to bits n pieces.

Goodness, I have been awake for about three hours now, must be time for sleep. Honestly, I am managing about 3 hours at maximum of being awake before needing hours more worth of sleep. So, if I dont reply to your text, email or facebook message, it is probably because I am sleeping…

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Day two post chemo #3

Well, woke up pretty crappy and even the two lovingly cooked, fresh out of the pan pancakes didn’t impress me but as Dr Hands had let me sleep until 10am, the least I could do was eat these pancakes, take my tablets and drink my water.

The day went ok from there but boy I felt flat and worn out. I walked outside to see what the day was bringing to me as Dr Hands had now gone grocery shopping and ended up chatting with Nurse John next door and it was fabulous. Sitting out in the fresh, cool air but with a bit of sunshine was just what I needed. The chat was great too. He is from England but I forgive him for that because he is pretty cool.

Later that morning, I was putting some garbage into the bin and Summer came over yelling out Amanda (when had my name changed from Damanda to Amanda I wonder), she ran down my drive way to give me a huge hug and asked me to watch her carefully walk up the big dirt mound over the road.

These all seem like everyday simple things but these are the things we take for granted. This morning when I was forcing down my pancakes with lemon and sugar, I couldn’t imagine talking or seeing anyone but these two conversations, really made my day.

When we are full of health, a chat with the neighbours is just a chat with neighbours. When we aren’t so full of health, feeling quite poorly and nauseas, neighbours knowing what you are going through, take the time for a cuddle and a chat and leave me feeling alive again.

Dont get me wrong, I have so many amazing things going on in my life with this cancer bizzo but it is the normality of things that really gets me smiling on the shitty days.

Tomorrow is Dr Hands and My 7th Year anniversary but we celebrated tonight knowing that tomorrow might not be so good. He says every year, how about we do no gifts this year?? And every year I say ok and he goes and gets me gorgeous gifts. This year I bought him a new wallet because his has no skin left on it. It looked bloody awful everytime he took it out of his pocket so I bought him on of those safety ones that can’t scan his cards whilst inside the wallet.

He, the man who every year says no gifts and always buys me a gift bought me half a kilo of king crab claws **insert orgasm sounds and homer drawls** and a pair of beautiful white gold diamond earrings. Yeah right, no gifts huh Dr Hands.

I am seriously the luckiest, most fortunate woman on the planet I am sure. I have a Sam aka Dr Hands, amazing daughter and family and friends and now new friends via blog and cancer and facebook. And let us not forget the amazing squares that Postie Ashley keeps delivering from my amazing old and new and unknown friends.

Life is pretty darn good even during the tough times.

Me and my beautiful new earrings and yep, that would be a glass of bubbles to celebrate, hence the red cheeks and chest hehe. Might be dipping into that value pack from the chemist tonight woot woot hehe

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The Straw ….

I’ve got cancer. Isn’t that enough to deal with in one year?

I’ll be honest right now. I have had a wee bit to drink. My preferred beverage is sparkling wine. It used to be known as champagne until the french said no, you can’t call it champagne unless it is from France but what ever, I am having bubbly stuff because boy, what a day.

When Sam (Dr Hands) and I built our beautiful home, I didn’t think life could get much better. We have a beautiful, brand new, super polished, enormous house built for a family of five (minimum) for the two of us. I kept thinking, this can’t be real, this cant be my life. Then, the day we got our keys, he got down on one knee and showed me he wanted to keep me in his life forever with a beautiful diamond engagement ring. Wow, I have the world!

The other amazing thing to have happened when we built our house was something from my inlaws. Sams mum and dad. Dad is not Sam’s sperm donor dad but has been Sam’s step father (I totally hate the step crap) for many years now so I think of them as mum and dad. They asked us to ensure we get income insurance. Being in the secure world of banking, I couldn’t see a need to be honest. My job was great. I work for a sensational bank and had recently been promoted. Sam, well, his job isn’t as secure as mine but in any case,  Sam and I both took out income insurance.

Who’d have known ‘we’ would need it so quickly.

This isn’t the reason for this post. This is a post I am writing but am not sure I will post. I will word it without any nasty words in case at the end of my drunken rant, I do hit the ‘publish’ button. But OMG, today has totally sucked.

Remember yesterday? I became bald. Sam and I had a ceremony to shave my head because the hair was coming out thick and fast. I hated the feel of the random hair on my arm, shoulder, face etc. Seeing a strand here and there on my keyboard was not enjoyable at all. So off it all came.

When I posted the blog and pics on facebook I was totally overwhelmed by the love, compassion and surprise even, of the comments left on my page. I know teenagers count on the ‘likes’ and ‘comments’ on facebook and it becomes ‘who they are’ but for me, well, it is a way to let my family and friends know whats going on. I think I blitzed any teenagers average likes from my bald head. I totally have an amazing group of people who support me and think I look A OK with no hair xx

I am so lucky and shall I say, gifted, to have so many family and friends who generally care about me. I can’t see a lot of my family regularly because I live 45 kilometers from the city, I never know when I am going to have a good day, they work, I sleep etc. I know my family and friends care. Remember the cousins booking a cleaner to look after me each fortnight for three months? My work buddies collecting so much money that there was a bag full of helpful PJ’s, shrugs, a beautiful glass house candle, vouchers and so much more, I am speechless with the people who have come forward to ‘help’ me through this cancer bizzo.

Then a bombshell comes along. Seriously, because stage 3 breast cancer isn’t enough. Losing a boob, facing six months of chemo, six months of radiotherapy and hormone crap isn’t enough. There is more.

He decides, oh, I know her (seeing me on someone elses facebook page) she is my daughter! Well, let me tell you Mr, I am NOT your daughter. I am my mums daughter. Thats it. There is no one else I am a daughter too. I am a daughter in law to my gorgeous and amazing soon to be in laws Sharon and Michael. But I am NOT your daughter and you have no right to call me that. My name is Amanda-Jayne Bailey. No where in that name do you appear.

This is how small South Australia is. I have an amazing set of neighbours across the road. As are the ones next door but today, we will focus on Nana and Poppy. Nana’s sister knows him. He, the sperm donor, recognised me from her face book and decided, oh, I should get in touch with her.

Um, well, you know I am in my mid forties right? You have had lots and lots of years to think of this. How is it that a picture, a photo, a facebook piece of crap is what it takes for you to remember, oh yeah thats right, I had a few kids way back when.

Well guess what shit head, you do not enter my head. You are nothing to me. Do not think for a moment my breast cancer, my fight for life is going to make me want to know you. You have had forty years to pop on by and say hi. You have had forty years to recognise me and my wonderful sister as your kids.

I have breast cancer and in my opinion, that is easier to deal with that hearing from my neighbours sister that you are kinda interested in getting to know me. Well, F*ck You. How about when I was healthy? How about when I gave birth to your grandchild? And dont even think she will want to know you because she has two amazing grandmothers, a great grandma, aunts and uncles all over the place and more love that you’ll ever know.

I love that my neighbour came to me with this news. It was hard for her. I could tell. My great neighbour who, nothing fazes was totally out of her comfort zone had to give me this news. Then I spoke to her equally amazing sister to discuss this. What really makes me angry is that Adelaide is so little. So small that you still didn’t ever, in all of these years, take the time to come find me. To better yourself and be a man. Still, you have to take the easy way out and get someone else to do your dirty work.

I really hope you read this and see the person you are. The person you have always been.

Well, I have a man in my life who is 110% better than you. My soon to be father in law loves me to bits and pieces. He has loved me and seen me cry and walked me through my breast cancer,my tough times being a mum, my joy with our new home etc. He has what you will never have. He has my love.

Leave me be. Let me love my man, my family, my in laws and more than anything, dont you ever, ever try to contact my daughter. She knows you from my sister and myself what you are like. We haven’t had to exaggerate.  She has no time for the person you are. Leave her be too, to love her partner Stacey, to be a big sister to her siblings and enjoy the love from genuine people.

Let me fight my cancer. Let me aim for the sky and get healthy, married, loved, smile and live.

Let me appologise to the people you have made uncomfortable and have made come to see me and pass on your bullshit message. Leave them be. Leave it all be. You do not belong in my life.

I do not need you, just like you dont need me. Do not converse about me at your ‘local’. I am not a part of your world. Let me go. Let me be.

I am a daughter to one person only, and that is my Mum. A woman you never deserved. A woman who gave you two wonderful daughters who you didn’t care for and daughters who now, do not count you as a part of their lives apart from being a sperm donor. That is all you are to me.

Be gone.

Tonight is the last night you will ever have the power to make me cry!

You do not belong in my life.

Dont Pity Me! (but please admire me…)

Argh, I am having one of those bullshit nights where I do not know what the hell it is I want. And, I have the hiccups. Man I hate those things.

Anyway, I was super tired at about 6:30pm tonight and was totally ready for an early night but because my chemo is due this week and because I love sparkling wine, I decided on a few drinks tonight. So, bottleshop lady convinces me on buying a brand where i can get three bottles for $20.00. Hell yeah I say, bring em on.

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She asks me what I am celebrating and I tell her, my first lot of chemo starts on Thursday (today is Monday) and why not guzzle up until chemo? She says to me “geez, you are looking and sounding great considering what you are about to endure, or is that just a front?” Wow! This is the first person (beside my gorgeous sister who called me a liar when I said I wasn’t worried about chemo) so I say to my Sip N Save lady, nope, no front, just love bubbles and yes, chemo due Thursday which is a part of the chemo journey and you know what? I actually saw a bit of pride in her eyes. No pity, no sadness but only admiration/

She’d said to me she’d had a lump about 30 years ago just before she was due to be married and had a lumpectomy and was worried, soon to be husband, would not go through with the marriage due to the partial mastectomy. I said to her that I had the same shit going through my head with a man 11 years my youth who was about to be engaged to a woman with one boob (which has already been cut away and thrown in the bin), hairless, overweight, lethargic, and quite possibly toothless woman as his soon to be bride. I do think she tried not to laugh at the image but she just got me! She understood exactly what I was talking about and we had quite the giggle.

Seriously though, I loved that she asked if I looked and seemed as good as I portrayed  or if it was all a front. I told her that wow, thank you for being so upfront and honest with your question but in all honesty, it was what it was. I had not the energy or fakeness to be anything but what it was. I wasn’t afraid of cancer, nor losing (hairy) leftie, chemo, losing my hair or being tired and lethargic…. I was scared of the nausea and that was it. It felt great for someone to ask me if I was putting on a front. I loved that someone was just like me, giving me the opportunity to be ‘real’ but thankfully, I was being real and honest. I am who I am.

Here is a bit of the real part of me that may turn some of my ‘blogger mates’ to unfriend or stop following me but, yes, I do want to be the one when people talk in the village about me. I WANT to be talked and gossipped about. I want people saying, ‘You know that lady who walks the big white dog? Well, She is fighting breast cancer”. “The lady with the big dog has  breast cancer”! It is to be for the next woman in the community who finds out they have breast cancer can say to themselves, wow, that lady with the big white dog had breast cancer and she looks A OK. She walked her dog, she drank bubbles, she laughed and wore crazy coloured turbans and scarfs and beat breast cancer.

Thankfully in todays world, breast cancer is one of the cancers you want to have (out off the many options) because it is beatable. So I might walk my big white dog around Meadows with my funny looking headband (soon to be multicolored scarf) and coping with chemo (internal spa therapy) but still dealing with life. Loving life. It is no longer the death sentence it once was. I want to bring to my Meadows community a sense of Cancer not being a death sentence, it is a deterrent to stop us working for a while but we will get through it. I want to be there for these women. I am incredibly lucky to have women around me that let my right boob hang around,  blowing in the breeze and after all this, I want to be one of these woman for the next one who has to deal with one boob in the bin and one boob swinging in the breeze!

We have an amazing community in Meadows South Australia that gives us HUGS as we walk by. We are all here at hear your story and help where we can. If you are new to the area, pop out and say hi as we all walk our dogs past your house. Cancer really does suck, and even though we are lucky these days with treatment, we still need our neighbours. Do not be shy or afraid to say hi, do not be afraid to tell us your story.

My internal spa therapy (chemo) starts on Thursday

and already, I feel the love of the neighbourhood, friends and family. Take it. Hug it. Enjoy it.

I am not an overly huggy schnuggy person but having cancer has bought me a little closer, a little huggier than usual.

Tell the world what is going on. My Sip n Save friend had a lovely chat, she showed me the current ‘bulk buy’ and on I went on my way. Yep, have had a wee few of those suggested recommendations from my Sip N Save friend and feeling better than I was.

Friends, neighbours and support wont come knocking on your door, but when you meet them, be honest, open, take their sparkling wine suggestions and get on  🙂

Cancer isn’t a great thing to go through but you know what…. if we had what we had twenty years ago, it was possibly a death sentence. Today, it is a ‘glitch’ and once we are done, we’ll get back to ordinary life. WE are in a good place 🙂

Drink them bubbles and give me a call or message if you need a pick me up 🙂