You’re So Vain….

When I was younger, I was amazing. I was gorgeous. No one could resist me. Just ask the younger me and that is what she would say. I was blonde, very thin and naive. I was dopey which, apparently guys loved as much as a slim waist.

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Obviously as one grows older, they grow outter (larger) sometimes, wrinklier, fatter etc.

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Me? Well, I never thought I would be anything other than amazing. I really wasn’t even that amazing but at the time? Well, I thought I was amazing and that is all that matters.

Today, a friend of Dr Hands came to the door but I thought he was a local council worker and answered the door. He asked if Sam was home and looked at me as though he knew me. I felt disgusting. Seriously. I have a fluff of hair on either side of my head with nothing in the middle like an old man. I have two large sores on my face from disgusting pimples that could not be hidden even if I were a super model. I have no eye lashes or eye brows. Tears running from my eyes.

It is now that I feel disgusting. I feel like a cancer patient. Previously I have been proud of my bald head and face showing that I am going to be a survivor of breast cancer. That I was too proud to cover up……. I didn’t care that I had not one hair on my body and the tears that streamed down my face were chemotherapy related and the sores on my face and arms were from what ever caused them to chemo not allowing them to heal.

Today, after Dr Hands friend left I almost put a spot light on his face asking him a series of questions like – Did your friend know I was sick or does he think I choose to look this way?

Poor Dr Hands, who was actually pleased to have a visitor was like a deer in the headlights saying yes honey, he knows you are sick and that no, you do not choose to look that way.

Over the years, I have gone from a size 8 to a size None of your Business but big.Β  I have had excuses or hand waves for this but now, I feel vain. I feel so effin ugly that it isn’t even funny now.

I dont want sympathy or confirmation that I am a great person etc but shit, this really sucks.

I remember on one of my birthdays that an Aunt said to me, “you do not appreciate your looks or figure” and man, she was right. I didn’t appreciate my looks or figureΒ  but I sure do now…..

No, I do not want to be supermodel gorgeous but this is not what I expected my later life to be.

How many of us have had a wonderful teenage and mid twenties look that we though would never end? Well, as my wonderful Aunt said, you do not appreciate your looks or figure” – maybe we should appreciate our good looks, health, energy and sex drive while we have it πŸ™‚

I shall now inundate you with prettier photos of me than today πŸ™‚

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Mum and Accalia
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Amanda Fishing

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Ok. so that last photo of Sam and I isn’t exactly pretty but it does remind me that I thought I was pretty, amazing and what not but today, that is not the situation.

Today I have an old mans head. Hair on the left. Hair on the right. Nothing in the middle. Three bright red pimple spots (sores do not heal fast with chemo/cancer treatment).

ANYHOO — I just want everyone to know (if you give a hooot) that I haven’t blogged recently for two reasons.

1 – A very special person who I love very deeply has been diagnosed with cancer. We haven’t an answer how bad or rampant it is but it has stopped me in my tracks. I love you girl and I wait for each and every result. This is not my story to tell but just know, I think of you each and every day and wish I could hug you until you were all better

2 – I have been feeling a bit out of sorts myself not just because of above but because there is still so much more to do. Yes, my chemo is finished and everyone thinks I should be shouting it from the rooftops and I get this. But, I have 8 months worth of herceptin left to go and 33 treatments of of radiation therapy. It isn’t over for me and I do not feel the joy that those do that post all of those wonderful pics of themselves with placards of last chemo treatment etc. Don’t get me wrong, I am totally all for those women who post those pics of their last chemo etc. It is just not me. I have too much more I have to do before I can celebrate. I have herceptin and surgery and radiation etc.

Anyhoo, Today, enjoy every single minute of it. Are you at work? Enjoy and embrace the fact you have a job. Can you see sunshine? Rain? Thunderstorms? Be happy you can see the weather. Have no hair to brush? Feel off your food? Constipated? Hemorrhoids? Diarrhea? Cry! Yell. Scream. You are alive to feel and live these things. I am not terminal and that, that, makes me smile through all of the pain, the torture, the agony.

Smile.

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My two besties Tracey and Nicole

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My gorgeous girls – Accalia my daughter and Stacey her gorgeous girlfriend xx

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See the way this ‘bitch’ looks at me when she is with Sam? Yeah, Well, Kelly (the bitch) and I are besties now hehe. This photo was from when I first moved in with Sam. Look at her unimpressed face… hehhe i totally love this photo

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Typical Pro Chemo Week

I have done nothing but sleep as per usual following my very last chemo session but what I love about it, I dont give a shit.

Usually when I am bed ridden, suffering constipation, followed by hemorrhoids, tears, tantrums etc I am an absolute sook and can not be consoled. But this time, I am A OK. This is it. No more chemo. Fingers crossed, no more backed up poops due to the endone and other medication.

What was the reason I popped in here for…..?

Um, shit, let me think.

Oh, thats right. I just read a lady complaining that she couldn’t afford to purchase her husbands birthday gift due to medical bills and all other life time bills that never end.

With cancer, there needs to be a ‘on pause’ card, or something similar.

My partner and I have total and full health insurance and pay a grand amount for this and even still, we are very strapped for cash through this cancer bizzo.

All in Australia dollars, I pay approx $150.00 per month for health insurance. This is the top health insurance you can purchase and when I did my tax this year, I found I had spent over $5,700 out of pocket for what my health insurance and Medicare did not cover.

Why on earth do people pay for health insurance?

Well, I’ll tell you why. I overheard my amazing oncologist on the phone last Thursday when I was being blasted with more chemo and he stated on the phone to his receptionist that he simply could not take on another five ‘public’ patients. This is why my diagnosis, surgery and chemo has been so quick.

Yes, I complain about my health insurance fees (as well as my home, car, contents and what not) but at the end of the day, it has saved my life and time. I can’t even imagine how I would feel having to wait for surgery, results, more surgery, more therapy etc.

A bit of a good news story is I had sent Dr Hands to the local bottle shop (remember, we live in a country town) to buy two bottles of red wine for my amazing GP who home visits me for no cost to give me my after chemo injection every three weeks, and Dr Hands came home with an amazing bottle of bubbles. It was a bottle of Mumm which is quite pricey. I asked him why he had purchased this bottle along with the red wine for the doctor and it turns out that the owner of the local had donated amazing bottle of bubbles to me knowing that my last chemo session had just been had. My local bottle shop had donated a $50.00 bottle of bubbles to me out of the kindness of their hearts knowing what I had been through.

My point of the generosity of my local bottle shop is not the price of the bubbles but the fact that they remembered, they’ve been through this journey with me and they cared. Would this happen in the city? I hope it does happen in the city and all over because seriously, going through the shit of cancer, chemo and so forth, it is lovely to have someone recognize the crap you’ve been through and have rewarded you at the end.

This week, it’s been tough, but knowing it is my last ever post chemo dealings seriously makes my life a lot easier. My hair is growing so long and amazing except for the middle section which is as shiny as a diamond, so I look like an 80’s rock band producer. Sam and I have agreed to shave it all off again in a couple of weeks because a woman with beautiful platinum blonde (No Not Grey) with a receding hair line just doesn’t look lovely.

Anyone who is interested in my life of hemorrhoids, yep, they’re still the bane of my life and I cry and shiver and shake and am like someone being tortured every time I go to the toilet so I will be not sad to leave this part of the cancer/chemo journey behind.

My gorgeous father in law popped in during the week and dropped off a couple of bottles of bubbles, a punnet of strawberries and a pink ribbon ring which totally brightened my day. He is amazing.

My amazing mother still brings me flowers every weeks she comes over on the weekend. I was getting worried for a while because my house was starting to look like a funeral parlour but is now looking just lovely with pretty flowers. My mother in law to be bought over some gorgeous flowers from her garden that also came with a bottle of bubbles which was also a lovely gesture because she was heading off interstate and wouldn’t be around to celebrate my final chemo session.Β  There seems to be a pattern going on with the bubbles. And I love it πŸ™‚

I haven’t updated my ‘books’ section of this blog for a while but just know, I have finished every single Game of Thrones book and OMG, what a book hangover I had from that. This is seriously an amazing series of books. I couldn’t put them down. I love the fact that any person of any age can read these books and love them. I say this because I got my mum into them, Dr Hands has watched every episode, and I know a lot of other people who have either read or watched the series.

I will update my book section soon though because I have read so many books through this cancer/chemo journey.

So as you can see, there is nothing new to report today. But I guess I just wanted to get some words out, let you know I am doing ok, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, can’t wait to get back to work, can’t wait to start attending events, birthdays, weddings and what ever else comes along.

One last thing, my neighbour comes home today from England!!! It has been torture seeing her car in her driveway knowing I can’t just pop over and have a total and complete breakdown about some trivial thing. Once she is over her jetlag, has been to work, I am over my post chemo effects, Clare and I will be catching up over many many bubbles. πŸ™‚

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This celiing fan is my saviour each night and day. Poor Sam has to freeze each night to ensure I am at a comfortable temperature.

My gorgeous Sturt Desert Pea (South Australian Flower) in my front garden, flowering yet again this year….. How pretty xx

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A great laugh at the 8th and final chemo session

So remember this morning when I told you I had accidentally taken 5 dexi (steroid tablets) instead of 2 dexis and 3 valium?

Well, I had to tell my little Indian oncologist about my wee accident but when I told him, all of the oncology nurses were standing around my cubicle including the pharmacist. Well, let me tell you I got a lot of laughs and giggles and cackles from my nurses and the pharmasist but not from my oncologist. He even pulled his glasses down his nose and looked over them at me.

I had to promise him it wasn’t deliberate because it ended up being a horrible night and I hated the dexis anyway but I needed three more because I was now three short.

Thankfully the pharmacist thought my story was hilarious and bought me up three more dexi tablets in a different shaped bottle so I will not mistake them again. Not that I care because it was my last chemo session but I do need these tablets to stop the nausea etc.

And another thing, this mornings post was a bit down in the dumps and unenthusiastic but let me tell you, all of the wonderful text messages, emails, facebook messages etc really picked me up. It made me feel so darn supported, loved and kinda proud of myself. I want to thank everyone, those I know, those I dont know and those I want to know, you have helped make this achievable and I didn’t do it alone, I did it with a damn lot of support.

We did it. We have beaten cancer (in my opinion) as a team.

Yes, I have more steps to go but the shittiest and hardest one is done, and that was chemo.

I know I can get through everything else now because if I can get through chemo, anything is possible.

For those just joining my unscheduled journey… next steps are this

Herceptin (I am HER2 Positive, google it) is an intravenus drug that I will need for another eight or so months but can be done before or after work because it has no mind altering effects.

Radiation Therapy x 33 starts in about 4 or 5 weeks where they will burn the area’s most likely to have the cancer spread to being back in the breast that has been removed, shoulder and collar bone. Apparently this is barable.

Lastly, mastectomy of my healthy breast and double reconstruction (in short, two amazing boobs on my way thanks), and a hysterectomy. The second mastectomy and the hysterectomy are for precautionary reasons. As I am the first in the family that we know off to get breast cancer, I want to take all precautions to ensure it doesn’t spread and make sure I dont have to ever go through this again.

Thank you Sam for being there for every chemo session. For the laughs, the singing in the car, driving me here there and everywhere but I will discuss Sam aka Dr Hands a little later because you have absolutely no idea what he has given up to make sure I was A OK.

My two boy loves xxx

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8th and Final Chemo Today!!

You’d think I’d be excited wouldn’t you but nope, I feel nothing. I think it is because it isn’t over but I know, in about two or three weeks when the poison has gone from my body that I’ll be feeling amazing.

So, in preparation for today’s chemo I have put my make up on minus the eye make up because there are no lashes there, I spiked up my hair (with sorbeline cream), and put on the same lipstick I wore for my first chemo. I perked me up somewhat.

Today’s session shouldn’t take that long either which is good because I think I made a bit of a boo boo last night. I had my pre chemo medication after dinner last night and they usually keep me up for a little longer than usual because they are steroid based but last night, instead of taking three Valium to go with the steroids, I think I grabbed three of the steroids.

That would explain a totally and completely sleepless night. I finally fell asleep at 7am to be woken about 8:30am by Dr Hands with my breakfast and more pre chemo meds and said that I was three short. So that confirms my suspicions.

Now, I have to ask my oncologist not only for more endone, which is another drug I hate but also three dexis. He is sure to think I am a drug addict of sorts but what he wont know is that I hate both drugs. Endone stops my poop, as the world now knows, and doesn’t let me sleep. The steroids make me grumpy and stop me sleeping. So, once I am finished taking those, I will be over the moon.

So, thats my story for today.

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No dog piccies today, its all about the 8th and final chemo session. Shame you can’t see my gorgeous platinum white blonde spiky hair in this pic but trust me, its there. And I think I have two hairs coming through on my eye brows!

My Life of Contradiction

Be Advised – This is directed at no particular person but me…

I have read so many blogs and articles where people have stopped or delayed chemo because their body just simply couldn’t cope with the pressure of chemo. I totally get this.

This Thursday will be my 8th and final (fingers crossed) chemo session and bring it on I say. I have had enough. My energy and enthusiasm has gone. Not a great deal excites me. Not a lot makes me happy but having said that, not a lot makes me sad. I just feel like a jelly fish going through the motions.

Chemo is tough. Not everyone agrees with chemo and thats ok. But I agree with it. I have read and today even heard about people who have stopped chemo half way through because it was too tough for their body and mind. I totally get this but for me,Β  I was never going to give up.

I have an amazing daughter who may not need me but I want to be around for her. A gorgeous and amazing fiancee and his family that I do not want to leave, then of course my amazing fur babies and all of my neighbours and friends etc. I will do everything I possibly can, regardless if people agree or not, to keep myself alive and live a long and amazing life.

The story I heard today was of a man who started chemo but found it really tough (and I totally get this because chemo really does suck) but within no time at all, had cancer again.

To those who do get cancer and decide to not go the chemo and or radiotherapy route – thats great but, let those who DO want to take this route do it and do it without guilt.

These last two weeks have been really tough on me and I wonder if I will regret this post tomorrow because my emotions are high, energy is low, tolerance is low etc.

I should be absolutely delighted that I have only 1 more chemo session left and that is this Thursday but I am not delighted. I am tired. I am exhausted. I have had enough of feeling like shit, having no energy, listening to bullshit from ‘friends and family’ about what they think are major issues in their lives that makes me want to smash my head against the wall etc.

What I am greatfull for are the family members and of course, Dr Hands, telling me it is all ok. Agreeing that some of these people are worthy of bashing my head against the wall. They love and accept me and understand that whilst my cancer diagnosis was six months ago, it is still alive and well today. Yes, it has been cut out but it doesn’t end with surgery, there is such a long journey that goes with cancer.

It isn’t a headache where I can take a tablet but complain it is still there two days later.

It isn’t a flu that has me in bed for a week.

It is effing Cancer.

On the plus side, my bum fluff on my head is starting to look like hair and even though Dr Hands swears it is totally grey, it is totally platinum blonde.

Another plus, last chemo this week means that in a few weeks, I will hopefully start to feel some energy start to come back into my body, some happiness, tolerance, positivity and everything else I used to have.

But right now, I shall wallow in my self pity because shit, I think I have earnt this. I am usually very positive and happy and looking at the brighter side of life but not only does cancer, chemo, medication, people with no idea can really bring you down. I do love that when I burst into tears for absolutely no reason that Dr Hands was on board to give me the hug I needed and just made it all that little bit better.

Nope, I am not looking for pity or anything like that, I think this post is more to remind me that even though I was pretty light hearted and positive through this cancer journey, there were some pretty crappy people and days through it.

My highlights of the past two weekends were as follows

  • Clare falling asleep/passing out on our sofa after a big night to brighten her up during her bad times
  • Mum coming up this weekend (as she has done most weekends since I have had cancer/chemo) and bringing some beautiful flowers from her garden and books from her neighbour
  • Seeing all of the lovely spring growth on all of the plants and trees in our newish garden
  • A wonderful visit from Mandy and Josie from work with a gorgeous bunch of flowers and a delish bottle of my favourite bubbles Trilogy

Sorry for the downer of a blog tonight. I feel ok but down. I feel lucky but angry. I am cold but can’t be bothered getting a jumper. This is my life hehe. Such a muddle of crap but I am grateful that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Once I get through this Thursdays chemo, I will be ‘down’ for two weeks I imagine (that is the norm, sleep for a week or more after chemo and take a lot of pain killers) and then, I get four weeks off. No medicals, no blood tests, no doctors, no nothing.

I am hoping I can have a BBQ/Get together for my amazing and wonderful cousinsΒ  to thank them for all of their assistance through my chemo crap. Remember, they hired a cleaner for me each fortnight? Oh, I haven’t told you, my Mum has now taken over the cost of the cleaner which I was very cross about but OMG it is such a helpful thing in our lives.

Um, I think thats about it for this week. I am trying to calm myself, let the anger of things that annoy me go, look at the gorgeous new growth of our garden, play with my amazing Brady and Kelly and remember, I am cancer free and after this chemo this week, I get a four or five week break before radiotherapy.

Here, I give you two beautiful photos of our Kelly Belly. Sadly, my daughters father lost his staffy Crash Bang a couple of days ago and I can’t imagine the pain and suffering they are going through with this loss.

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I can’t forget Brady, so here is an old piccie of my old boy (7 and a half year old now)

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8 weeks old
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12 weeks old

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Long Weekend Laughs and Fun!

Firstly and Most Importantly – Happy Happy Birthday JD – To my wonderful and amazing and oh so handsome nephew Jordan. It was nine years ago today that I walked into my little baby sisters hospital room and burst into tears with so much pride and adoration for what she had popped out of her. He was and is amazing.

Here is a photo of Jordan and I (few years ago)

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JD and Me πŸ™‚
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Baby Brady and JD

Jordan and his mum in below photo (look who sneaked into the back ground ahahahahah)

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Here he is with big sister Tarin

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So, a super duper amazing happy 9th Birthday to that gorgeous little boy.

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Friday 2nd of October, 2015

Dr Hands has an RDO (rostered day off for those who dont know what that is) and it was an amazing and beautiful day so he and I decided it was a perfect day to have a few drinkies together out with our darling dogs, under our new patio. And drink we did. I had had a particularly bad week spending the majority of it in bed feeling poorly, headachey, boneachey etc. Typical chemo feelings so it was sensational to feel good.

My neighbours, later in the evening (and me having had a few bottles of bubbles) received some bad news and needed the internet as theirs had crashed. So, Dr Hands was by now in bed and I was sailing the rough seas trying to make it to the front door, tooing and froing but I made it. The only thing I know to do when there is a drama is offer alcohol so yet, opened another bottle while we left John to do the work that needed to be done on the computer and Clare and I to drink some lovely Rosemont O Moscato on ice at midnight with Beaches on the TV in the background. I would like to take note to not drink that much in case neighbours need me in future but I think they’d be more surprised to visit me very late on a Friday night sober so I should just maintain my manner as is.

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Saturday 3rd of October, 2015

I wake feeling great! I have a gift for avoiding many hangovers. Up I get and mum makes her weekly visit and I am feeling that good that I suggest we go out to the local cafe for lunch. Mum was very surprised by this because it has been months since I have felt well enough to leave the house for an actual outting that wasn’t grocery shopping.

What really sucked though was the chemo tears and runny nose dont take a break so they came with me. It looked like I cried through out most of lunch and then of course, diarrhea comes along. Thank goodness there were no other patrons and it was a huge and comfy toilet.

Here is a not so recent piccie of my mama and I. She is absolutely gorgeous. Man, how fat do I look in this photo? Don’t comment, it’s ok. At least I have hair

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Saturday Night 3rd October, 2015

I am not sure what I did between lunch with mum and when the neighbours came over so it couldn’t have been too interesting but that sure did change in a hurry.

So, Clare and John (next door, night nurse (I shouldn’t need to explain these people to you anymore) and the ‘newish’ neighbours Shaz and Geoff called on over. We started with two bottles of whiskey (is that what Jack Daniels is?) but keep in mind they weren’t full because Dr Hands had already had a few and Clare had an already started bottle but in any case, there was a lot of whiskey. Geoff and Shaz bought over an esky of beer and I had my bubbles. There was NO whiskey by the end of the night!

Dr Hands and I are kinda on the larger size so we never have any snacks ‘on hand’. Thankfully Shaz and Geoff bought over a pack of chips (that was the food for the night) so you can imagine the turn things took.

I am not sure how or why it happened but Dolly, my prosthetic boob, popped out and made a trip around the table, and Clare was most taken by it….

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Dr Hands and Pyro (Night Nurses other profession) decided to do a bit of a burn off down the back paddock, and once Clare and Shaz decided to head down there, Pyro went the quick way, she did a roll down the hill, Shaz was freaking out trying to save her and Dr Hands just stood on top of the hill and gave them both a wave when they got to the bottom of the hill.

Here is the fire, as you can see, it’s a fair distance to roll down to.

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Now, I am going to show you a disgusting photo of me but it is to see my ‘platinum blonde’ hair, try not to look at the disgusting sick looking face that goes with it πŸ™‚ You might have to zoom in but I can totally see the blonde πŸ™‚

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What does frighten me is that maybe, just maybe, Dr Hands is right…. maybe it is grey….. but I will continue to call it platinum blonde :).

Here is a photo of John giving love to our Kelly

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Look who Kelly chose to spend the night with though….

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Clare was snuggled up on our sofa and Kelly was there to look after her.

What absolutely amazed us about Clare is that not only is this one happy chic every time we see her but she even smiles in her sleep! How on earth does someone so drunk look so gorgeous sleeping?

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Sunday 4th of October, 2015

Slept until 5pm. Avoided hangover due to sleeping until 5pm.

Happy Happy Birthday to my gorgeous niece Tarin! One more year and you will be an ‘adult’ eeeeeeek xx

Taz

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Monday (Public Holiday) 5th of October, 2015

Here is what I look like today, be warned, it isn’t pretty…. Not only have I got the normal chemo tears and runny nose but also, a kickass amount of hayfever. I really think I might be broken today.

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Right, well that was quite a long and drawn out post. Hopefully some part of it held some interest to you. πŸ™‚

Oh, someone asked recently when my last chemo was and it is 15th of October, 2015.

It’s a Beautiful Day!

So, I have been awake all day which is the first time since Saturday (today is Thursday). Oh ok, when I say all day, my day started around 10:30am but I did have a very bad night sleep so those extra hours this morning were well and truly needed.

Last night I had horrible hip and lower back pain that I just couldn’t ease. At 5am, I took some more pain killers (good bye poopies again) and I was finally pain free and able to sleep for a little while.

I have noticed I might be running thin on my tolerance level now because, the sounds of summer have entered my house – these would be blow flies and they are really noisy. I rarely have any noise on in my house when Dr Hands isn’t around so the buzzing seemed to be getting increasingly louder and louder.

Then, I found myself yelling at the flies to SHUT THE EFF UP! The same way one might tell a dog to stop barking.

Yup, tolerance level ZERO.

I did find that fly spray worked a lot better than me growling at the flies.

Adelaide today has an absolutely gorgeous day and I was so thankful day nurse, Lisa (lives across the road), popped over and we sat out the front of the house in the glorious sunshine and got a bit of colour on her legs and my head. Had lovely chats, laughs, gossips etc.

Oh hey, speaking of my head, my hair is totally amazing and getting so long, I recon we are almost at an inch in some parts but, I also now have a receding hairline 😦

If my hair was darker, I would look like Sam without the beard. It turns out my oncologist may have been correct in saying my hair would fall out again. But, it isn’t falling out everywhere so I am thinking, how about I bring the mullett back in fashion. I’ll go bald on top and grow my lovely BLONDE locks long at the back hehe.

No, I am not being serious. If the back hair continues to grow and the top falls out, we’ll be shaving it off again.

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You might have to enlarge the picture but you can certainly see my lovely flowing hair in this photo πŸ™‚

While we are talking about spring growth on my head, look at my mop top, (this is a plant) with all new shoots….

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Here are two of my four wisteria coming back to life after a very cold and frosty winter

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And just remember, only 1 more chemo session to go………EEEEEK, waaaay too excited about that!