The Crap that Goes with Life

Seriously, when does all the crappy crap crap end? Ok, don’t answer that because I am assuming it is when we die but, I would just like some nice for a while ok?

Our boy, Brady Bailey-Wilkinson passed away in my arms on the 27th of September, in my living room when the vet injected the fatal green liquid into his veins. There was no more that our boy could give. He’d had enough. He was tired. It was time. Cancer took my baby boy from me.

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What really makes me angry is that my beautiful boy nursed me through my very own shitty cancer. He had a paw on my knee constantly, his beautiful eyes looked lovingly at me and his cuddles were never lacking.

This is the paw print we took of our boys paw the night before he passed away. Thank you so very much to my friend Lauren Kennedy for supplying the paint, canvas and love. This paw print of my boy Brady will  be tattooed on to my thigh, just above my knee, where Brady used to always rest his paw.

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What I will never complain about is the extra time we had with our boy. Too often we hear of a pet or person being lost in an instant. No time to spoil them or say goodbye. Car accident, stroke or heart attack. Thankfully, we had a couple of weeks to thank Brady for being with us and for those cuddles, laughs, sobs and giggles.

These photos are from my amazing sister Annette who bought lovely gifts and messages for Brady. Kally wrote some gorgeous messages to Brady which I will treasure forever.

There was night after night of delicious dinners for that amazing guy. Cuddles galore and beautiful memories made.

The greatest thing we did was have a ‘We Love You Brady’ party. Grandma, Nana and Poppa, sister Accalia, Auntie Annette and cousins Jordan and Kally, Mama and Papa were all there to celebrate Brady’s amazing contribution to our lives as well as his amazing, relaxed, loved up and funny life. He was inundated with gifts, love and food. Funny things happened through the day including Brady being ever so focused on Kally’s gluten free scone. If nothing else happened that day, Brady really wanted to have this scone. When everyone had gone for the day, Brady was absolutely pooped but the smile on his face was unmistakable.

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Papa Sam cooked up an amazing ginormous almost dinosaur looking bone for Brady that day and I thought his eyeballs (Brady’s, not Sams) were going to pop right out of his head! He also had an entree of cheese and sausage which, as you can see, he was pretty darn happy about.

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Grandma bought some special gifts for our boy being a funny and strange green toy and some lovely home made peanut butter dog cookies. Kelly got the orange toy and left over cookies.

Big Sis and Little Bro

Ok, I’m rambling because things haven’t gotten easier since the passing of my amazing and special gorgeous boy.

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We had some awful and horrible news that another of our amazing family is now battling breast cancer. No, please don’t pry asking who and what and so forth because not everyone is as open as I am and this is their story, not mine, but, I can honestly say, this is shit. Has our wonderful family not done their time with this horrible disease? We have had beautiful and gorgeous people in my ‘old’ and ‘new’ family have to deal with this and it is just not fair. Enough is enough.

There are some really shitty crappy people in this world who deserve to be struck down with some shit arse disease but not the people I am hearing about. Stop it. Leave the good people alone and strike down the pedophiles, the people who pretend to have cancer to gain funds or fame, the horrible people who murder, rape or are horrible to animals. Why does this happen to nice and innocent people and animals?

On a nicer note, all going well with stage 1 of reconstruction. I’ll touch base again soon with more information on the recon and next stage of letting go of the cancer journey.

xx Mrs Wilkinson xx

My Pity Party

Live kinda sucks at the moment. I know, it sucks for everyone. I also know, I am one of the lucky ones but, that does not discount my current mood with life.

My passion has gone. There is little to no energy for the day. I have started smoking cigarettes again, drinking too much alcohol, no money in the bank, very little weight loss after walking more than 5kms a day, no excitement about anything, fed up with oncology visits (only four left), seriously dull fiction book, nothing capturing my interest on TV, Foxtel or Netflix, reduction on my food intake but still not much of a weight loss, painful teeth, blocked tear ducts that the optometrist ‘sort of’ fixed but need more painful work, unfinished back garden,  Brady upsetting the neighbours with his barking, sore and bruised nose from falling on it last weekend……….. yep, I could go on and on. Oh, and the big issue, AM STILL FAT!

So, I decided a while ago that I was going to be completely healthy and refresh my body. Why on earth would I decide then to take up smoking again? Who knows. I know the dangers of smoking and cancer and chemo and death. The thing is, I dont give a shit about anything at the moment. I wish I could but I can’t.

I have no passion. There is nothing right now that excites me. I am trying to focus on my upcoming November wedding in 2017 but all I can focus on is the fact we have no money, I am fat and our back yard is totally unsuitable for my budget reception.

NO, I am not looking for sympathy but maybe blogging and letting it out might release some of this built up crap that goes on within me.

I am so sick of being so tired. Today, I couldn’t go to work simply due to a headache and tiredness. Who on earth needs to call in sick for these issues? Me! I slept until midday and even then, I could have slept even longer if I didn’t have an oncology/herceptin appointment. I love my work/job but I just couldn’t do it today. If I didn’t have that oncology appointment, I’d probably still be in bed.

Every day my bestie/cousin and I  email each other with how we are, whats going on and we list a minimum of three things we are thankful for for the day. I would be lost and even worse than what I am without that.

I think I need to find not only a passion but, I really need my energy and motivation back. I know I’ll find it eventually but wow, these negatives in my life are totally blocking all that I need and want right now. This is a time that I should be joyous, happy that I still have my life, nearing the end of my cancer treatment, a beautiful home, sensational Sam, amazing daughter and mum and sister…….. But right now, it all kinda sucks.pity

The Price of Supporting Local Business

I am taking a risk with this blog because I know many people will not be happy with me but I am a little angry right now.

Small business is a big thing. Many of us do try to support small business as much as possible but it is the cost of some small businesses that see us ‘giving up’ and having to use the big companies.

My local bottle shop will tell you that I am a huge supporter of small business hehe. I do also use the local shop and barn for items quite regularly. Petrol is often bought locally but even they are testing my patience at times. Recently, they have had their price of petrol sitting at $1.14 a liter but I travel ‘down the hill’ and it is $1.03 everywhere else.

Anyhoo, here is my point.

As we all know, I will be on Tamoxifen for 10 years. And we all know I visit Dr George often and then I see his wife (who runs the chemist) afterward for my prescriptions and I really like both of these people. I knew the medication was roughly $9.00 dearer to buy from this chemist but, especially through my chemo days, I had no other option.

Well, I bought my Tamoxifen from them recently and it had to be ordered in. I was quoted $25.00 for 60 tablets. So, I thought, oh, that’s ok, $12.50 per month isn’t too bad I guess. When the medication arrived the next day, I was then told it was not $25.00 but was $38.30.

Whoa! That is quite the price difference.

When I purchased my 2nd packet of Tamoxifen (no, I haven’t been on it for two months but was near a chemist in town the other day and just handed all of my scripts in and Tamoxifen was one of those scripts) and blow me down with a feather but the price was soooo much different. It was $16.99!

Here is my proof. Also take note, the more expensive local product is the ‘generic brand’ which is supposed to be cheaper!

So let us work this out.

If I support local business and buy from my local chemist, I will spend

$229.80 each year as opposed to $101.94.

Over the 10 years of taking this medication I would pay

$2,298.00 instead of $1,019.10. It would cost me $1,278.90 to shop locally.

No one in their right mind would do this if they had a choice. The chemist which is not local to me is almost next door to where I work so there is no extra travel costs to get to another chemist for me because I’ll already be there.

I understand that local businesses don’t have the buying power of the big business and I accept the prices will be slightly higher but more than double? No, I can’t accept that. I can not support a local business that is going to cost me over $1,200 more than shopping at a chemist near work.

Right, now I have that off my chest…. I’ll leave you with some happy photos

My Amazing Saturday

My amazing Saturday is thanks to so many people. I am imagining myself, right now, on a pedestal (this will not surprise anyone who knows me) giving the speak on a particular day of the week that was amazing.

Lets start with Saturday morning.

Well, I lay in bed until 11am due to a kick arse hangover thanks to Brady. He didn’t know when to tell me when to stop. So I drank and drank and drank and he said nothing. He just loved me like he always does.

Here is Brady for those of you that don’t know him.

IMG_0003I am posting this photo because he is not aloud on the sofa. He only does this when I am drinking and I find it so cute and adorable and instead of telling him to get off the sofa, I take photos of him instead 🙂

So anyhoo, I finally got out of bed with said hangover, had a shower, listened to Sam talk AT me about being hungover and then I had a guest visitor by the name of Uncle Mark.

No, he is not my Uncle but is my daughters Uncle on her fathers side. Did you get that? Anyway, he has always been ‘Uncle Mark’ to me since Accalia (said daughter) was born which is 22 years now. He came to visit me 🙂 He drove all the way from the other side of town, battled the city road works (he is not a patient driver) and headed up to the country and not only did he visit but he had a gift for me too.

Oh, this is Uncle Mark and my gorgeous daughter on her 18th Birthday.

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Anyhoo, like I was saying, he also bought me a present. It was wrapped in gorgeous green wrapping paper and was kind of the shape of a box. I totally thought he had bought me a puppy but this was not to be. The only thing better than a puppy is ……….BUBBLES!

And not just one bottle of Jacobs Creek Trilogy Sparkling Wine but 6 of the amazing bottles!! SIX BOTTLES!! My eye balls nearly popped out of my head! Thank you Uncle Mark not only for coming all this way to visit Sam and I but also for the bubbles, funny stories, laughs and chats. It was great to see you and can’t wait to see you and your team on Friday 🙂 *special mention to Veronica **Aka Bez, Berry, Bezalicious** for confirming to Uncle Mark what it is that I drink gallons off xx

The Wedding!

Seriously, this was a beautiful and amazing wedding. They all are I know I know but this one was different for me.

This wedding I was going there as a bald, burnt and cancer recovering woman with pretty finger nails and amazing Fiancee. 1st stop was to book a love shack, I mean, hotel room, because this wedding was well over an hour away from where we live. Thankfully, cousin Linda and her hubby Reuben were on hand to collect us from the side of the road and take us to the wedding. Check out the Bride and Groom. Tell me she doesn’t look like Princess Mary!!?? OMG, totally gorgeous couple and totally cute baby Isabella-Rose!

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I asked bride Tania to give me a royal wave and she did. The groom is my cousin Andrew Martin and obviously, their gorgeous baby is my 2nd cousin. I could just gobble her up. Look at her walking down the aisle.

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I had received so many hugs and kisses from my amazing and supportive family that I had to remind myself that this day was NOT about me but about the gorgeous and newly married couple.

My poor suffering but loving Sam was there by my side. He not only was by my side but could tell when it was a bit too much and I needed air or a rest. He really is amazing. Sam isn’t the most social person, and would much prefer to be at home but suffers through my begging and pleading that I do every so often to join me in these events.

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Here we are, two amazing people who have had a pretty trying year and two people who are going to be looking at their health and well being in the new year. hehe

You know how at weddings, there is the bridal dance, and then the father daughter dance and then everyone dances…. well, I am used to sitting these out but blow me down but did my man hold his hand out and offer the dance to me. I almost cried. I can’t do that though because it might mess up my eye make up LOL. That is a joke because I have no eye lashes or eyemake up. Anyhoo, cousin Linda took this photo which I absolutely love!

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Ok, I might look like an Alien and I have never ever seen Sam smile in a photo (Thanks Linda for getting him at the right moment) (He was giving my cousin Linda the finger!) but I love it. He asked me to dance!

Speaking of my cousin Linda…. Well, it turns out that she stayed right until the end of the night just for me. I was having a hoot of a time, even though I got a little tired occasionally (from my amazing Beyonce dancing) and her husband (who is a truck driver and had only had 1/2 hour sleep before the wedding) was sleeping in the car, she let me have a good time. Both Linda and Sam were happy for me to enjoy my night and they didn’t end it soon as I am sure they had both wanted too.

Oh, check out this gorgeous photo of my mum and I. Thank you to Sam for taking it 🙂

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Here is my cousin Tamara (Sister of the groom) and I. Keep in mind it is the end of the night and my eyes and skin have turned a bit yellow/orange.

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At the end of the night, Cousin Linda with sleepy husband Reuben drove Sam and I back to our hotel room and Granny hitched a lift. Now, I recon Granny is about 86 years old (possibly a year or two older) and after Sam had HOISTERED her into the four wheel drive, we set off. I happened to mention an incident that occurred when I was about 6 or so.

Keep in mind that our Granny has 13 Grandchildren and I dont know how many great grandchildren. Anyway, So I say, hey Gran, remember when you smacked me for My Sister cracking her head open?

Without a beat Granny says to me, Well I told you NOT to go out the gate but you did and you went to Mr Smalls house next door. Wowza, transported back to being a kid and I almost burst into bloody tears waiting for a smack. Granny was not a bit smacker but I got a smack for this and told to wait outside while my sister, Annette, was fixed up. That woman, Granny, is absolutely bloody amazing.

This is Granny. (thank you Ali for letting me take the photo you took of her, oh, Ali, do you mind if I use this pic?)

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I think it is safe to say that I had an amazing time at the wedding. I had even sent a message to the bride and groom prior to the wedding day asking if it was ok for me to be bald at their wedding. They lovingly said they didn’t care if I was bald or hairy so that made me feel a whole lot better.

Thanks to chemo, I seem to have entered early menopause and this causes a lot of hot flushes and having anything on my head is more of an irritant than anything else. Anyway, I don’t need to look at myself while attending events so it works well. I just have to be ready when I see any photos that yes, that is me looking like the alien.

Thankfully I am comfortable being bald and find it more pleasurable and comfortable than anything else. My amazing friend Kathy Tilling has sent me her wig in case I need it and I have many scarfs for head coverings. I am incredibly fortunate but for the time being, bald is best 🙂

This weekend has been incredible. I think it may take me a week to get over the dancing, drinking, laughter and happy tears but it will have all been worth it to see an amazing couple unite as one.

Thank you again Uncle Mark for your visit and very thoughtful gift.

Thank you to the ‘Royal Couple’ for having us attend such a beautiful and amazing event.

Thank you to mum for taking me out the day before for a bit of pampering.

Thank you to Linda and Roobs for the lifts to and from the event, to Linda for the laughs and chats (Sam said he is really not that quiet, he just couldn’t get a bloody word in between you and I hehe), Roobs for sleeping in the car to make sure I had a good time.

Most of all, thank you to my Sam (Dr Hands) for being there by my side, for taking some photos for me, looking out for me, piling me with bubbles, dancing with me and loving me.

 

 

Plodding Along

The title says it all. I honestly feel like I am just plodding along through life and I feel lost. Each day (during the week) feels the same. Poor Dr Hands is really struggling to cheer me up and I want to cheer up but I can’t. I just feel down. I feel nothing. I don’t feel happiness.

I thought I would feel this through the recovering from surgery phase. I didn’t.

I thought I would feel it through chemotherapy. I didn’t.

Yes, there were times that I struggled here and there through each of the above but the feelings were so far and few between.

Recovering from surgery was ok because I was inundated with such lovely visitors, love, flowers, gifts, medication etc.

Chemotherapy I had Sam feeding, drugging and watering me. People (my mum) visiting and the neighbours caring for me. Medication to make me feel better and there seemed like a kind of purpose to it all.

Now, I am having radiotherapy and I am all twisted in the head. Is it possible that radiation brings you down? I have struggled with anxiety disorder for many years and I wonder if the radiotherapy has cancelled my medication out?

Or, is it the drive to and from the city each day, sitting in a waiting room that is depressing and full of very old people that brings me down?

Maybe it is the Radiotherapy clinic I attend that brings me down.

The oncology unit I went to for chemo was always upbeat and all of the staff knew me and smiled and hello’d me. Some would ask me about my blog and if Sam wasn’t with me they would ask about him by name.

The radiotherapy unit is different. The receptionists (except one) are grumpy and not at all friendly. The patients in the waiting room are all elderly and so frail looking. I want to feed these people and make them smile but they wont look at me let alone talk to me.

There is a big difference between oncology and radiation.

And another thing. Have I told you that I have lymphodema? Well, I had my first lymphodema massage two weeks ago and oh wow, it was amazing. I loved it. One hour of left arm and left side massage was incredible.

Well, I had another of these appointments today and it was shit. There was no lovely massage but it was some kind of laser therapy. I dont want that. This laser thing just flashed and beeped for an hour as the lady ran from room to room changing all the laser thingies on each of us but it sucked. I wanted my massage. Where was my massage?

The massage/laser lady said that there had been a slight improvement in my elbow crease but the rest of my arm had remained the same. All of my own personal massage and squeezing of the memory foam thingy had done nothing. I want my massage back.

This laser therapy was so much like having my car tuned. I pay a fortune but can’t see or feel any difference.

Then, I had my radiation appointment which was 2 hours and 20 minutes after my crap laser therapy so I took myself out for lunch which was amazing. I went to a city cafe and they made me a gorgeous, gluten free and tender chicken tenderloin salad with a hint of sweet chili and balsamic salad. Amazing!

I had been told that the whole of South Terrace (where my clinic for radiotherapy is) would be closed off today so I made sure I had at least an hour and a half to find some where to park (imagining a two block walk) only to find that the entire of South Terrace was not blocked off at all. The work men had resurfaced the road on the weekend instead so, I ended up parking right in front of my clinic in a two hour spot and at my appointment one hour and twenty minutes early! FFS.

Blow me down with a feather but they had a free spot that someone had cancelled (it was hot today so the patient couldn’t come in) and I went in and was zapped in no time. Quick hello to Professor Borg (he is monitoring my treatment and wont let me lose any weight until after radiotherapy) and I was on my way.

Driving home I said to me,

“Me, I think you should have an alcohol free day today”

I was home for 10 minutes before getting back into the car to drive to the local bottle shop to get some bubbles. No, I do not think I am an alcoholic. Yes, I love the bubbles fizzing on my tongue hehe. AND it is nice on my sore radiation infected throat. It is medicinal!!!

As anyone knows, I do not like the words side effects but use the word ‘feelings’ when it comes to something that has occurred during treatment.

Here are my feelings with radiotherapy.

  1. Burnt throat. It feels like tonsillitis. When I eat or drink it hurts and feels like the liquid or food has to go through a big lump in my throat to get down. The Professor has recommended taking two pandadol before each meal. This is silly because apparently you are only supposed to take a maximum of 8 panadol a day. Has he seen the size of me? Obviously I eat more than three times a day!! Not anymore.
  2. Redness on my shoulder, front and back. So, I am being zapped not only on the ‘bomb site’ but also my collar bone and shoulder because of being HER2 positive and the cancer being known to pop into these areas. The bomb site, where my lovely leftie boobie was taken from, is slightly itchy but nothing too bad.
  3. Depression. I’ll work out why that is occurring and will get back to you.

As usual, Dr Hands is on call for cuddles, kisses and love. He is worried about me, I can see this and I am trying so very hard to make this easier for him but it is hard. He has known me too long and can see straight through me.

If you are new to this blog, Dr Hands is my fiancee Sam and he doesn’t read this blog (Phew).

The recent highlights are

  1. My gorgeous and amazing daughter, Accalia-Jayne, came with me to my herceptin appointment and radiotherapy appointment last Thursday. We had coffee between appointments and after appointments. This girl of mine (22 years old) is an amazing person and can make me laugh, can hold a conversation and has amazing social skills and manners.
  2. My team from work’s Christmas Lunch. I haven’t seen these people since April 7 2015. I love that I was invited to the Christmas Lunch and they all had a hug for me, made me laugh and feel a part of the team again. AND, they want me back hehe. I’ll be back at work soon and I can’t wait!
  3. A trip to the beach with my long time friend Tracey, her son Ben and my gorgeous boy (groodle dog) Brady. We started with a drive to Willunga for lunch and then proceeded to Aldinga Beach where I watched Ben (who is aged 4 foot?? I think about 6 or 7 years old??) encourage Brady into the water with no effort at all. I have never seen Brady in the beach water or, so bloody clean after being in the water! Check out the photo below, Ben took Brady much further into the water but I like to live my life through my eyes and not a camera.
  4. A lovely and gentle visit from my Mum on Saturday. She always makes me feel calm and relaxed
  5. Sam bought me a Santa to go with the Reindeer! He is getting into the Christmas spirit (or just suffering for the cause).
  6. I made a new friend today. Leslie has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and has MY surgeon and MY hospital. She seems amazing (we are communicating via facebook) but I must remember, these early times of being told of having breast cancer are frightening and I must be sensitive. (I am quite blase about it all at the moment and do not want to be like that with a new cancer patient).
  7. I am still alive.

I shall leave you with a giggle, if you have the giggleness of my neighbour Clare who thought these two photos were hilarious!

Photo 1. Dogs plus reindeer, all happy and awake. Kelly (red staffy x) and Brady Bailey-Wilkinson (white groodle) are kissing in front of Smiley (reindeer)

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This is after all the fun and games

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Ben and Brady

Knuckleless

So, it wasn’t enough to be left side boobless, hairless, eyebrowless & eyelashless that I now have to be knuckleless.

I know I know, there are a few of you out there that have told me to go to the ladies who can assist with lymphedema but I just couldn’t do it through chemotherapy. I was simply too sick to make appointments and keep to them.

Now, I am paying the price with my balloon hand and no knuckles on my left hand.

Thankfully I get my ‘roster’ for the next seven radiation visits because no, they are not at the same time each day. Once I get the roster I can then make an appointment with the special people who will fix me right up.

It is really bizarre though because my hand only swelled up a day, oh no hang on, three days ago. I noticed while I was driving that there were no knuckles on my left hand. Where the bloody hell are my knuckles I was thinking and then it hit me. The lymphy thingy.

It could be a heat thing. It is almost 40 degrees in South Australia today and was really hot yesterday too. Ok fine, it isn’t the heat but it could be ok! And, can you believe, my appointment for radiation today is at 4pm. I have an hour and a half of driving there and back in 40 degree temperatures. Thank goodness for airconditioning.

On a good, or even amazing note, I am loving life right now. Yes, I have radiation each and every day except weekends but I have energy, I am happy, I am motivated (sometimes) and it is almost the Christmas season.

My house has the beautiful Christmas tree up with decorations galore, tinsel in the windows, reindeer and Santa and other figurines around the house.

Ok, thats about me for today. The dogs and I are sitting in a dark house to keep it cool and to save on electricity by not putting the air conditioner on until absolutely necessary. I will cross my fingers there are no bushfires today because yesterdays bushfire at Kuipto was a little too close for comfort.

Stay cool Adelaidians 🙂

 

My Life of Contradiction

Be Advised – This is directed at no particular person but me…

I have read so many blogs and articles where people have stopped or delayed chemo because their body just simply couldn’t cope with the pressure of chemo. I totally get this.

This Thursday will be my 8th and final (fingers crossed) chemo session and bring it on I say. I have had enough. My energy and enthusiasm has gone. Not a great deal excites me. Not a lot makes me happy but having said that, not a lot makes me sad. I just feel like a jelly fish going through the motions.

Chemo is tough. Not everyone agrees with chemo and thats ok. But I agree with it. I have read and today even heard about people who have stopped chemo half way through because it was too tough for their body and mind. I totally get this but for me,  I was never going to give up.

I have an amazing daughter who may not need me but I want to be around for her. A gorgeous and amazing fiancee and his family that I do not want to leave, then of course my amazing fur babies and all of my neighbours and friends etc. I will do everything I possibly can, regardless if people agree or not, to keep myself alive and live a long and amazing life.

The story I heard today was of a man who started chemo but found it really tough (and I totally get this because chemo really does suck) but within no time at all, had cancer again.

To those who do get cancer and decide to not go the chemo and or radiotherapy route – thats great but, let those who DO want to take this route do it and do it without guilt.

These last two weeks have been really tough on me and I wonder if I will regret this post tomorrow because my emotions are high, energy is low, tolerance is low etc.

I should be absolutely delighted that I have only 1 more chemo session left and that is this Thursday but I am not delighted. I am tired. I am exhausted. I have had enough of feeling like shit, having no energy, listening to bullshit from ‘friends and family’ about what they think are major issues in their lives that makes me want to smash my head against the wall etc.

What I am greatfull for are the family members and of course, Dr Hands, telling me it is all ok. Agreeing that some of these people are worthy of bashing my head against the wall. They love and accept me and understand that whilst my cancer diagnosis was six months ago, it is still alive and well today. Yes, it has been cut out but it doesn’t end with surgery, there is such a long journey that goes with cancer.

It isn’t a headache where I can take a tablet but complain it is still there two days later.

It isn’t a flu that has me in bed for a week.

It is effing Cancer.

On the plus side, my bum fluff on my head is starting to look like hair and even though Dr Hands swears it is totally grey, it is totally platinum blonde.

Another plus, last chemo this week means that in a few weeks, I will hopefully start to feel some energy start to come back into my body, some happiness, tolerance, positivity and everything else I used to have.

But right now, I shall wallow in my self pity because shit, I think I have earnt this. I am usually very positive and happy and looking at the brighter side of life but not only does cancer, chemo, medication, people with no idea can really bring you down. I do love that when I burst into tears for absolutely no reason that Dr Hands was on board to give me the hug I needed and just made it all that little bit better.

Nope, I am not looking for pity or anything like that, I think this post is more to remind me that even though I was pretty light hearted and positive through this cancer journey, there were some pretty crappy people and days through it.

My highlights of the past two weekends were as follows

  • Clare falling asleep/passing out on our sofa after a big night to brighten her up during her bad times
  • Mum coming up this weekend (as she has done most weekends since I have had cancer/chemo) and bringing some beautiful flowers from her garden and books from her neighbour
  • Seeing all of the lovely spring growth on all of the plants and trees in our newish garden
  • A wonderful visit from Mandy and Josie from work with a gorgeous bunch of flowers and a delish bottle of my favourite bubbles Trilogy

Sorry for the downer of a blog tonight. I feel ok but down. I feel lucky but angry. I am cold but can’t be bothered getting a jumper. This is my life hehe. Such a muddle of crap but I am grateful that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Once I get through this Thursdays chemo, I will be ‘down’ for two weeks I imagine (that is the norm, sleep for a week or more after chemo and take a lot of pain killers) and then, I get four weeks off. No medicals, no blood tests, no doctors, no nothing.

I am hoping I can have a BBQ/Get together for my amazing and wonderful cousins  to thank them for all of their assistance through my chemo crap. Remember, they hired a cleaner for me each fortnight? Oh, I haven’t told you, my Mum has now taken over the cost of the cleaner which I was very cross about but OMG it is such a helpful thing in our lives.

Um, I think thats about it for this week. I am trying to calm myself, let the anger of things that annoy me go, look at the gorgeous new growth of our garden, play with my amazing Brady and Kelly and remember, I am cancer free and after this chemo this week, I get a four or five week break before radiotherapy.

Here, I give you two beautiful photos of our Kelly Belly. Sadly, my daughters father lost his staffy Crash Bang a couple of days ago and I can’t imagine the pain and suffering they are going through with this loss.

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I can’t forget Brady, so here is an old piccie of my old boy (7 and a half year old now)

Uniden Digital Camera
8 weeks old

Uniden Digital Camera
12 weeks old

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The Great Debate

Firstly, let me start with last nights post. If you didn’t read it, don’t bother. Obviously, I had had a few drinks and goodness, what a mess of a blog that turned out to be hehe. But still, I am still very flattered to have people worry for me when I haven’t blogged in a while.

Now, onto more important matters, my hair! You know it has started ‘growing’ back in a baby hair/fluff kind of manner. This is the softest hair I have ever felt and I am always feeling myself up, on my head!

When I was in the chemist the other day, I told Mary to have a look at my beautiful hair (remember Mary? She is my pharmacist) and she was ever so impressed and then said to me, “Will you be colouring it?”

I was so offended. She is saying my hair is grey! I told her that would not be necessary because my new hair is beautiful and blonde. She just nodded. Hmph.

When I came home, I asked Sam what colour he thought my hair was, he said GREY!

What a crock of shit! My hair is sooooooo blonde and not grey.

Mum came up today and she said it is blonde. I love my mum. So, what do you think?

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Totally Blonde huh? And it is getting soooo long. I love it.

Here are the beautiful flowers that Mum bought up for me today.

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I seem to also have made a habit of adding a dog photo here and there on these blogs of mine so here is Miss Kelly up on her pedestal.

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Chemo wins this time…

I feel like absolute and utter shit. Beside my ‘party night’ following chemo arvo, I have done nothing but sleep.

Ok, well Dr Hands did wake me on Friday morning for my pre chemo tablets, water, breakfast and coffee. Then I got up a sometime in the afternoon for all of about half an hour to see the future in laws who’d popped in. Up again at 6pm for Dr George to visit to stab me with the ‘day after chemo’ injection, have dinner and back to bed. What really annoyed me about Dr George’s visit was that he said I am not even to open the front door because of the icy cold winds that could get into my chest.

But I wanted to go to the Gluten Free expo today (Saturday)  😦 well that went out the window pretty quick. Beside the fact I couldn’t even get out of bed for more than half an hour. Sam did let me sleep until midday before feeding, drugging and watering me and mentioning I might need to pop into the shower before I went back to sleep.

The best thing about getting out of todays shower (beside smelling and feeling fresh and moisturised) was that Sam had changed all of the linen! Ok, none of it might not match but it is all clean and beautiful smelling and made for a lovely sleep.

Awake again for some dinner which was a tough task tonight. I opted for cheese and crackers. Sam was not at all happy with that choice but look who was…

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Yep, my Brady Boy absolutely loved my cheese and crackers. Not all of them, I did eat some but ugh, my stomach just doesn’t want any food.

What made me almost laugh my hemorrhoids out was Sams comments of me losing weight too quickly. Now, those of you who don’t know me, I am a pretty big girl. I have lost 5 kilos in about two months and I really dont think that is a fast weight loss but ya just gotta love his concern all the same. So Sam, Kelly, Brady and I all enjoyed some roast chicken, yes, a fair bit went to Brady from my side but I did eat some and will be heading back to bed soon.

Hopefully I wake up feeling AMAZING and can attend the gluten free expo…. fingers crossed.

Spa Therapy # 2 (AKA Chemo # 2)

I wasn’t going to post until I was feeling better because I didn’t want to upset anyone who might be following my blog and hasn’t started chemo. But this is my blog to not only let my friends and family know where I am at but also to help me release my inner thoughts and feelings and let me tell you, they aren’t happy ones today.

The chemo yesterday was fine and dandy. Nothing out of the ordinary really but I didn’t feel great on the way home. Not like the first ‘spa therapy’ anyway.

All night, I couldn’t sleep but napped. Those dexamphetamines really worked last night, my brain was having a good old talk and yell to me all night. I tried to get up and blog or at least play some facebook game but that made me feel sick so I went back to bed and finished my book. Laying down was a lot better for me than sitting up.

My body ached, right through my bones, stomach cramps, headache, nausea (medium), sore knees and hot and cold fevers. It really was an awful night so fingers crossed it is not the same tonight. I love to sleep. It is one of my most favourite things in the world (I have lots of favourite things in my life)

This morning Sam provided me with 2 lovely home made gluten free pancakes with organic maple syrup, coffee and water to go with my tablets. I find that I really struggle in the morning with getting food into me these days and Sam knows my weaknesses. I have to eat with some of the tablets I take. Whilst I wont be losing any weight any time soon on this diet, I really dont care. As long as the food comes in (and later comes out), all is good.

Today all I have on my plate is to find a moment to go to my GP and get my bone marrow injection and that’s it.

Sam will take Kelly the Cone head to the vet to get her cone off her head and the stitches out of her ear. I can not believe our girl has kept that cone on her head for two whole weeks. Sam and I, as well as Brady, might well be bruised beyond belief as she doesn’t make allowances for said cone but she has been fine 🙂

Sorry for a negative ninny post today but I feel like crap. Like really super duper shitty ol’ crap.

Thank goodness for the happiness and love I receive from everyone around me. The lovely emails, texts, letters and cards, gifts,squares and of course, that blanket from Auntie Janet that I just can’t get enough off.

Oh, before I go, another huge shout out to my amazing family. Cleaner number 1 is on his way over today to give a quote on cleaning. Sam being Sam has cleaned the house within an inch of its life.