Tears, Happiness and Life

Today I cried. I stood on a beach with Dr Hands (Sam) and Brady (my dog) and I cried. Not big heavy sobs and such, just a few tears, maybe four or five but I cried. It hit me. I get to live. This cancer will not kill me. It isn’t like I had been  thinking along the lines of it actually killing me so I am not sure where this feeling came from but as we stood there, looking out at the ocean with the hills behind us, Brady chasing the ball, it occurred to me. I have a ‘second chance’ at life. I am one of the lucky ones. Not everyone gets the great news that I have received. Stage 3 breast cancer can be beaten and damn it, I will beat it.

The tears were not of sadness but of happiness. I get to spend more time with Sam. I get to continue to be a mum to Accalia. I have the opportunity to watch my nieces and nephews grow, to spend more time with my family and friends. There are some not so lucky people who get the news I get. Cancer is not the death sentence it used to be for everyone.

I have spent a bit of time lately reading other peoples blogs on their cancer experiences and wow, I really am one of the lucky ones. Yes, I am one boob down. Yes, I have six months worth of chemo to look forward to followed by radiotherapy and possibly the hormone therapy too. Yep, I have a kick arse scar going right across my chest and under my arm but you know what? I am alive. I have a super good chance of being around in years to come.

These tears were unexpected but embraced. I haven’t done much of this crying thing since I found out the cancer had spread no further than the lymph nodes. I haven’t been one to wallow through the news of the boobectimy, chemo and radiotherapy.

I am not overly sure if any of that makes sense to anyone but me but it was an amazing day.

My new project over the next week or two is to look for some pretty scarves that I can wear while bald. I think scarves will be my head covering of choice. I have been so very fortunate that a lovely friend has sent me her wig for me to use which looks absolutely gorgeous and will be perfect for parties, weddings etc.

My plans this week are as follows….

Monday – Brady to support my hair loss and get a shave to almost baldness. He is a groodle with incredibly long and very dirty hair right now. As I’ll be home for quite a while, he wont get very cold because he’ll be in side with me and our lovely staffy Kelly.

Tuesday – If feeling well, lunch with some lovely work mates in the city. There are a few things in my work locker that I need to collect so am looking forward to enjoying a lunch with friends while I am there

Thursday – Appointment with Mr Kollias (my surgeon) for the post op appointment. Will he or wont he remove my dressings and take out the stitches?

Todays boob thoughts are still wondering why there is not a surviving boob sling. The bra and Miss Fluff are amazing. They make me feel boobalicious when I am out and about but when at home, I dont wear either because the wound from the boobectimy is still tender. I am more comfortable without bra but poor old rightie, my surviving boob, just hangs about not knowing what to do with herself. I noticed a new stretch mark from her hanging around (she isn’t a little girl, she has a bit of weight going on) and I was horrified when I saw the stretch mark. I did go out to Dr Hands to discuss this with him and lifted up my t-shirt and said ‘Look Sam, I have a new stretch mark because she just hangs around’. I was even pointing to the new stretch mark and you know what Sam said when I asked him to look at the new stretch mark? He said, “which one is the new one?”

That was almost as flattering as him asking how I got Miss Fluff to ‘droop’ as much as rightie………