Fed Up

Big of a whinge moment. I feel I have done nothing but sleep this week which would ordinarily be my favourite thing except there were things I wanted to do. One being, attending Hugo’s 1st Birthday party with Brady Bailey-Wilkinson.

Dr Hands advised last night that today’s party would be a non event for me and I was like a toddler having a tantrum saying I would be fine and, dont assume how I am going to feel blah blah….

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This is Huge and Brady…….. A wee bit of a size difference but could totally have enjoyed a birthday party today 😦

The shit head was right. I was crap. I slept from about 3ish yesterday arvo until 9:30 this morning. The day before was much the same. I always have a positive attitude that i’ll feel amazing the next day but it doesn’t always happen. That doesn’t let Dr Hands off the hook for being able to tell by looking at me how I am going to feel but geez, he is right more often than not.

I am also glad to mention he does not read my blog. He does not want to communicate through my blog and often I used to say, oh, did you see my blog where I talked about blah blah and his response was often ‘Bailey Boop, I do not read your blog and if you have something to say to me, say it to me’. When did he get all grown up??

So, This morning I woke up like crap just as he predicted. Had I even been in the position to give this wonderful man children, he would have made a great daddy but today and tomorrow, he is my carer and lover as I battle through my breast cancer and chemotherapy and then radio….

What was my point here….?

Oh, Fed UP. Fed up with feeling like shit. I was really surprised after the previous chemo, being number 3, and I felt great after it. I was pumped and energised for quite a few days, even managing a lunch with fabulous people recieving a suprise fundraiser of money in a large jar and such. The last three days? Shit. Absolute shit.

While I lay in bed on Thursday I had all of my arguments ready for Dr Hands. He always asks about food and water. I am not a bloody horse you know but I play along all the same because he loves me and such but, it turns out, I wasn’t even awake long enough for him to ask me the questions. Hang on, I think that was Friday not Thursday. Thursday I had some crackers and cheese. Yeah, that’s right and Friday, nothing. Yay for weight loss. Boo for listening to Dr Hands on Saturday about the effects of not eating and not getting nutrition etc……. He can really be quite boring.

What I did love about today is Dr Hands asking how I am going. Out of no where. I had been to the doctors for my shopping list being

Motilium – Anti Nausea

Tremodol – Pain Relief/Headache Relief

Diazapam – Sleeping Tablets

Why do I need the valium? Well, I can be so very tired but so wound up that sleep is beyond me so the valium (very low dose so I take double the amount) helps me to relax and stop stressing and sleep. And once I sleep, I’ll see ya in three days….

I hate that I have had to cancel two events these last two days. I really wanted to go to Hugo’s first birthday. That would have totally been a hoot but stupid cancer/chemo and Dr Hands prevented all that but I will imagine the joy that Brady and I would have received from the fun of it.

Hopefully tomorrow, I’ll have an amazing and energised post.

Let me give you three amazing things for the week

1. An amazing package filled with a pile of knitting from Gilda who even put my nickname to her ‘bailes’ on one of the huuuge squares. I am thinking I might make Gilda’s mountain of squares into a cuddle cushion….

2. A lovely package, words, squares and book from great friend Chantelle to remind me life is great. Friends area amazing and nothing gets past a great book

3. Dr Hands asking how I am going. Yes, we live day in day out but he stopped the world to ask me how I am going with a missing boob, with the scar, with the journey….. My man isn’t much of a talker and I dont shut up so for him to ask me, deep down and honestly want to know, meant so much. and yeah. I will admit, that missing boob, that huge scar, can sometimes hit me like a brick to my bald head.

Oh, Dr Hands also bought me the prettiest of flowers today and I was so happy but boy, they smell like horse wee….. Maybe that is what is making my eyes water but I’ll let Dr Hands believe it is the combustion fire making my eyes water hehe

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If you have managed to read this far, let me tell you that my underarm hairs have gone. They are chemo’d out of my life. Leg hairs… well, there are a couple but nothing worth getting the razor out for. Right eyebrow is hanging in there but looking very sad as far as eyebrows goes and my chin hair hasn’t come back.

Lady Land is almost bare!! The forest of dreams is almost as smooth as a babies bum. Almost!!

Tears, Happiness and Life

Today I cried. I stood on a beach with Dr Hands (Sam) and Brady (my dog) and I cried. Not big heavy sobs and such, just a few tears, maybe four or five but I cried. It hit me. I get to live. This cancer will not kill me. It isn’t like I had been  thinking along the lines of it actually killing me so I am not sure where this feeling came from but as we stood there, looking out at the ocean with the hills behind us, Brady chasing the ball, it occurred to me. I have a ‘second chance’ at life. I am one of the lucky ones. Not everyone gets the great news that I have received. Stage 3 breast cancer can be beaten and damn it, I will beat it.

The tears were not of sadness but of happiness. I get to spend more time with Sam. I get to continue to be a mum to Accalia. I have the opportunity to watch my nieces and nephews grow, to spend more time with my family and friends. There are some not so lucky people who get the news I get. Cancer is not the death sentence it used to be for everyone.

I have spent a bit of time lately reading other peoples blogs on their cancer experiences and wow, I really am one of the lucky ones. Yes, I am one boob down. Yes, I have six months worth of chemo to look forward to followed by radiotherapy and possibly the hormone therapy too. Yep, I have a kick arse scar going right across my chest and under my arm but you know what? I am alive. I have a super good chance of being around in years to come.

These tears were unexpected but embraced. I haven’t done much of this crying thing since I found out the cancer had spread no further than the lymph nodes. I haven’t been one to wallow through the news of the boobectimy, chemo and radiotherapy.

I am not overly sure if any of that makes sense to anyone but me but it was an amazing day.

My new project over the next week or two is to look for some pretty scarves that I can wear while bald. I think scarves will be my head covering of choice. I have been so very fortunate that a lovely friend has sent me her wig for me to use which looks absolutely gorgeous and will be perfect for parties, weddings etc.

My plans this week are as follows….

Monday – Brady to support my hair loss and get a shave to almost baldness. He is a groodle with incredibly long and very dirty hair right now. As I’ll be home for quite a while, he wont get very cold because he’ll be in side with me and our lovely staffy Kelly.

Tuesday – If feeling well, lunch with some lovely work mates in the city. There are a few things in my work locker that I need to collect so am looking forward to enjoying a lunch with friends while I am there

Thursday – Appointment with Mr Kollias (my surgeon) for the post op appointment. Will he or wont he remove my dressings and take out the stitches?

Todays boob thoughts are still wondering why there is not a surviving boob sling. The bra and Miss Fluff are amazing. They make me feel boobalicious when I am out and about but when at home, I dont wear either because the wound from the boobectimy is still tender. I am more comfortable without bra but poor old rightie, my surviving boob, just hangs about not knowing what to do with herself. I noticed a new stretch mark from her hanging around (she isn’t a little girl, she has a bit of weight going on) and I was horrified when I saw the stretch mark. I did go out to Dr Hands to discuss this with him and lifted up my t-shirt and said ‘Look Sam, I have a new stretch mark because she just hangs around’. I was even pointing to the new stretch mark and you know what Sam said when I asked him to look at the new stretch mark? He said, “which one is the new one?”

That was almost as flattering as him asking how I got Miss Fluff to ‘droop’ as much as rightie………