The Notebook – Take 2

So, a few years ago someone told me I MUST watch ‘The Notebook’ because it was an amazing movie and had the hottest actor in the planet. Now, I can’t remember if it was Crystal or Kim but it was one of them because no one else ever suggested such movies to me. They both (in my opinion) had terrible taste in movies.

Crystal made me watch some movie about a guy who was the weirdest and most annoying person on the planet. Hang there while I google what that was….

Ok, I gooogled ‘most boring movies ever’ and it didn’t come up but it was about a guy who spoke really slowly and had cows or llamas or something.

Then comes Kim who told me to watch a war movie and acted out a scene from the movie where a mum learns her son has died in the war. I am sure it was very traumatic in the movie but because Kim had given me her version of it, and that I watched the movie on a date, it didn’t end well. I was in absolute effin hysterics when the knock on the door happened and the mum was told her son was dead. My poor date was looking at me like I was crazy as she groaned… just as Kim had demonstrated but the bloody mother in the movie kept the groan up and I was in such a fit of giggles that it was adamant this guy (my date) was sure to see me as a non feeling crazy woman who saw death as a comedy.

Then comes the notebook. I feel it may have been Crystal who told me to watch it but in any case, when I watched it, how ever many years ago, I needed a sick bucket next to me. It was the most pathetic and stupid movie I had even watched (at that time).

Tonight, it was on the free to air TV and as I was ‘gaming’ on Facebook, I let it play in the background.

Enter …. Emotions.

The majority of the movie had no effect on me. Young love, is everywhere, every circumstance etc. That has no effect on me. What DID have an effect on me was Noah, days gone past.

SPOILER ALERT… IF you have not seen the movie, do not read on….

So, I have seen Dr Hands care for me and nurture me through this cancer crap, feed and water me, love me and put up with my anger and irrational crap that comes out. So comes the part of the movie when Noah is  reading to Allie and I cry. Thank goodness Dr Hands is up the other end of the house because he would have a field day with my tears and weakness.

It made me realise I do not want my Dr Hands to have to deal with anything else, physically, emotionally or mentially reltated. He has done his time looking after me with cancer/chemo and soon radiotherapy. Please do not let him have to put up with me with Dementia/Alziemers.

This is what made me cry. The fact that this amazing ‘tough guy’ has put everything on hold, our garden, house improvements, motorbike …. to care for me. I cant stand the idea of him having to care for me if I even got the old age illness.

So, who ever it was that made me watch this movie initially, had it at the wrong time. Now, I know what it is to be loved, to be wanted and cared for. I didn’t understand that before but now I do.

Tonight I cried watching a ‘chick flick’.

Oh goodness, what next….?

And just one more thing, I still think ‘young Noah’ is icky. He is not a sex symbol to me apart from the fact he worked in a lumber yard, just like my Sam xxxxx

No sympathy needed – just a quick cry

Today I cried.

I woke early and no, that is not what made me cry. There seemed to be a lot of noise in the ‘village’ today so up I got at the ripe old time of 7am. I felt good. I felt hungry and hungry for more than just potato chips so up I got, coffee machine on, griller on and off I went. Toast with coffee and barocca. No headache or nausea tablets needed thanks.

Still no reason to cry.

On went the TV to my favourite hit music channel and all my favourite songs are playing, one after the other.  There was that new one from Taylor Swift – Bad Blood, then the cute one from Ed Sheeran with the clips of him as a little kid, my current favourite song of the moment by Andy Grammar – Honey I’m Good. I was bopping along loving life and then it happened.

Tears.

Not just a tear here or there but a flood of them. WTF? Where did these come from? They weren’t stopping anytime soon either. They just kept coming.

The thing is, I wasn’t crying for me. There was no, why me or, I am addicted to the cancer drugs give me more, or pity me poor me etc. I was just crying. And no, I am not addicted to any of the medications.

My crying went on for three songs. So whats that? About 12 minutes I think.

I cried for Sam for having to put up and deal with this crap.

I cried for my daughter and my mum for having to worry about me instead of loving and enjoying every moment of life.

I cried for my friends and family who love and care and worry for me.

I even cried for my dogs for not having a fun mummy as they were peacefully sleeping on the sofa when I had specifically asked them to stop sleeping on the sofa.

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I cried for the messy en-suite. Dirty floors. Empty coffee cup.

Finally, after my three songs, I stopped and am now back to normal. It was weird and I know, you, the reader may think, or even say, you are entitled to cry. The thing is, I haven’t really done this crying thing since the diagnosis. I have had a tear and a cuddle with my man here and there but those sobs from this morning, wow, that was out there.

Now that it is done, another favourite song is on, Ellie Goulding – Love me like you do.

So, while I listen to this song, I’ll phone the vet and book Kelly in to have her bubble ear looked at and get on with my day.

My smile is back 🙂

Thanks for listening

Tears, Happiness and Life

Today I cried. I stood on a beach with Dr Hands (Sam) and Brady (my dog) and I cried. Not big heavy sobs and such, just a few tears, maybe four or five but I cried. It hit me. I get to live. This cancer will not kill me. It isn’t like I had been  thinking along the lines of it actually killing me so I am not sure where this feeling came from but as we stood there, looking out at the ocean with the hills behind us, Brady chasing the ball, it occurred to me. I have a ‘second chance’ at life. I am one of the lucky ones. Not everyone gets the great news that I have received. Stage 3 breast cancer can be beaten and damn it, I will beat it.

The tears were not of sadness but of happiness. I get to spend more time with Sam. I get to continue to be a mum to Accalia. I have the opportunity to watch my nieces and nephews grow, to spend more time with my family and friends. There are some not so lucky people who get the news I get. Cancer is not the death sentence it used to be for everyone.

I have spent a bit of time lately reading other peoples blogs on their cancer experiences and wow, I really am one of the lucky ones. Yes, I am one boob down. Yes, I have six months worth of chemo to look forward to followed by radiotherapy and possibly the hormone therapy too. Yep, I have a kick arse scar going right across my chest and under my arm but you know what? I am alive. I have a super good chance of being around in years to come.

These tears were unexpected but embraced. I haven’t done much of this crying thing since I found out the cancer had spread no further than the lymph nodes. I haven’t been one to wallow through the news of the boobectimy, chemo and radiotherapy.

I am not overly sure if any of that makes sense to anyone but me but it was an amazing day.

My new project over the next week or two is to look for some pretty scarves that I can wear while bald. I think scarves will be my head covering of choice. I have been so very fortunate that a lovely friend has sent me her wig for me to use which looks absolutely gorgeous and will be perfect for parties, weddings etc.

My plans this week are as follows….

Monday – Brady to support my hair loss and get a shave to almost baldness. He is a groodle with incredibly long and very dirty hair right now. As I’ll be home for quite a while, he wont get very cold because he’ll be in side with me and our lovely staffy Kelly.

Tuesday – If feeling well, lunch with some lovely work mates in the city. There are a few things in my work locker that I need to collect so am looking forward to enjoying a lunch with friends while I am there

Thursday – Appointment with Mr Kollias (my surgeon) for the post op appointment. Will he or wont he remove my dressings and take out the stitches?

Todays boob thoughts are still wondering why there is not a surviving boob sling. The bra and Miss Fluff are amazing. They make me feel boobalicious when I am out and about but when at home, I dont wear either because the wound from the boobectimy is still tender. I am more comfortable without bra but poor old rightie, my surviving boob, just hangs about not knowing what to do with herself. I noticed a new stretch mark from her hanging around (she isn’t a little girl, she has a bit of weight going on) and I was horrified when I saw the stretch mark. I did go out to Dr Hands to discuss this with him and lifted up my t-shirt and said ‘Look Sam, I have a new stretch mark because she just hangs around’. I was even pointing to the new stretch mark and you know what Sam said when I asked him to look at the new stretch mark? He said, “which one is the new one?”

That was almost as flattering as him asking how I got Miss Fluff to ‘droop’ as much as rightie………