Love and Tears for Brady

Tonight I cried.

I cried because my beautiful boy looked at me with his beautiful big brown eyes. He looked like he was sad.

He looked like he was loving me.

He looked like he was happy.

You decide what he looked like.

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I have watched him all day, hobbling, sniffing, being incredibly uncomfortable, strange breathing while sleeping and bringing me toys. He is still doing dog things, Brady things but, he isn’t our Brady anymore.

He is riddled with an incurable cancer. He is in pain. He is sad.

I cry because I don’t know when it is ‘time’.

How do I know that he has had enough?

I don’t want to wait until he is exhausted but I don’t want to do it when he is still brining me a ball to throw for him.

I have loved sharing my life with Brady but right now, I hate it. I am so confused and lost.

Brady is as loving as ever but I fear his time is near.

I can’t wait for his surprise BBQ party on Sunday but I fear what follows it.

Am being as strong as I can.

Loving my boy.

My boy is loving me.

Un-Engaged :(

Some weeks just suck and this week kinda fits the bill.

On Tuesday, I had to meet with my Professor, you remember all that? Well, while we were in the waiting room, at 3:30pm,  I was gazing at my gorgeous engagement ring and Sam was giggling away at me etc.

Wednesday morning, I woke to NO RING.

This house has been turned upside down so many times, the cleaner came through it today, I have even put rubber gloves on and squished dog shit between my fingers in case it slipped off while I was feeding the dogs.

Sam pulled the washing machine apart because my ring often slips off when I put a load of washing into the machine but all he found was $7.00 and some nails.

I went through all of the bins, car, lodged a police report, rang all of the places we had been too on Tuesday.

Where is my ring?

It had been getting a little loose because I have lost a little weight but it wasn’t slipping off everytime I moved my hand.

The only place left (if it hasn’t been found and sold) is inside Kelly.

Remember her. She is the one who has always had a little grudge against me when it comes to the love of Sam. Don’t get me wrong, Kelly and I are besties now but I wonder if she has taken it too far and eaten my ring.

When I fed them on Tuesday night, they got a treat of Tin Food which they rarely get and I mushed it all in amongst their biscuits. Kelly gobbles down her food so fast that she wouldn’t have noticed a diamond ring.

But get this, Kelly poops every night but hasn’t done one all day or tonight. Could there be a diamond ring blocking her up? She will now be sleeping in the garage because she is more than happy to poop in there at night. I am hoping there is a glistening diamond poo waiting for me in the morning.

Oh, and my chemo today went for just under 4 hours. The heart pool scan dye gave me a rash.

One a high note, we came home to a beautifully clean home, Thank you family and Shanna. I also got a lovely phone call from my darling daughter.

sadface

Still Here

Yeah, I’m still around but boy, that last lot of chemo really knocked me for a six.

I feel I have done nothing but sleep. Anti nausea tablets are my best friends right now and I want to even take the box to bed to cuddle. But more than that, I am just simply tired.

I am tired of chemo, cancer, my gorgeous dogs, text messages, emails, facebook, tv and everything in between.

It isn’t against anyone or anything but boy am I really fed up with it all right now.

I popped out yesterday to do some chores out in the the big wide world of meadows yesterday and I kid you not, I thought my nude nut of a bald head was going to fall off! Not only that, I slept eighteen hours straight from only going to the chemist, bottle shop (nothing consumed) and to the chemist. That was enough to wipe me out for eighteen hours of pure and solid sleep.

Even the dogs dont have my patience. I tell them often that I will take their embroided collars off and leave the front door open if they dont behave. Yep, times are tough.

Seriously though, with all the shit that I feel, I still think I am kinda doing ok. Maybe I watched too many movies and shit when I was younger and the cancer patient was vomiting and sick and thin and what not. I am none of these. I am just bald and fat and tired. Thats it.

What I do love is that man of mine coming home from work with a billion questions about what I have consumed for the day, my mum visiting most weekends, my cousin/bff emailing me everyday to tell me about her world and making me find three amazing things for my day etc and of course, my lovely parcels of squares. I can’t wait to tell you about my most recent square that almost had me pee my pants!!

Cancer really does suck. But, I am half way through chemo which is a great thing.

I am loved and thought about.

The rain outside makes me smile because I do not have to go out in it.

I am having a shitty day, week and night.

I wont ask for you to forgive me for such a negative post because I dont have many bad days. I can always fine a reason to smile and keep going. Today, my smile just isn’t as big.

That is all.

xx

To make myself (and possibly you) here is a happy photo…. This is Brady as a Baby 🙂

Uniden Digital Camera
7 Weeks Old