When a Square is above and beyond a Square

Having been blogging for a few months now, I have found friends from all over the world. We’ll probably never meet, never get close enough to share super intimate things but, I feel they are friends all the same. We are either going through, have been through or about to go through, the same kind of thing….. breast cancer.

There are other ‘friends’ I have had over the years that I have never met. Three of these people are of the same family and they are Grandma and Grandpa McCarty and Cusin Callum McCarty.

These three people, whilst I have never met them, have had me in fits of giggles each time I see photos of them but I have always known, they’d have the kindest of hearts.

Well, blow me down with a feather but didn’t Cusin Callum McCarty surprise me a few weeks ago.

As I have mentioned, I have a special letter box that allows parcels be delivered without me having to sign for them and when Ashley, the post man, has a parcel for me, he just pops it into my special letterbox which has a safe. It means no one can steal my mail. I can also see if there is a parcel in there if I open the lid slightly.

So, imagine my surprise when I opened the lid slightly to see if there was any mail and the scent that came out of the safe was incredible. I knew the scent but I couldn’t place it. Was my postman Ashley slathered in aftershave and hiding in my safe?

When I retrieved my parcel, the scent was even stronger, the writing – Special Delivery – “Square” Inside had me scratching my nude nut…. Who on earth was C McCarty?

In all honesty, whilst the smell of the parcel was so intense and addictive, I still couldn’t place the scent or the name. I knew I had smelt this scent before, the handwriting looked farmiliar but still, I was perplexed.

Here is what I first received…

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It looked (and smelt) really important. And then I opened it and this is what was inside….

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As you can see, it isn’t knitted or crocheted… it is almost like ‘Yeah Baby’ shag pile. On the back, there is a Open with Care sign. Remember the old days with those contraptions where you could label everything? So, my mystery C McMarty has a label maker. It was all coming back to me now. The smell, Aramis….. The ‘fur’, a mystery…

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Oh the poem,…… Amazing, if you have failing eyesight, here is the ‘Ode”,

“ODE TO AMANDA”

A wee bonnie lassie called Amanda

was stricken with a beast called cancer

That wee bonnie lassie and her main man Sam

will beat that cancer and you know they can.

Now that wee bonnie lassie said she wanted a square

but for now doesn’t have any hair.

So leave it to Callum who really does care

to give some of his own to treasure and share.

But wee Laddie Sam, be careful when you venture ‘down there’

for you’re likely to find Some of Callum’s red pubic hair!

Love and best wishes – Cusin Callum McCarty (aka Grandpa McCarty, aka Grandma McCarka, aka “you know who”.

Isn’t that the best ‘ode’ of forever!!?? I was almost peeing my pants with tears in my eyes reading this and looking at his beautiful bucktoothed face. But there was more.

Cusin Callum McCarty even sent me a photo to show where his ‘fur’ for the square had come from. Cover your eyes mama if you have gotten this far…..

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Often Sam will walk into my living room (yes, we have seperate living rooms) and yell at me for smelling Callums Square. His yell goes as follows,

“Stop smelling another mans penis!”

Oh but it smells so good. If you have not smelt Aramis before, get down to your local store and find a bottle to smell.

Thank you to one of my favourite men on this planet. You have really made my day with the Cusin Callum McCarty square and you kind words.

Hopefully I’ll be back soon to annoy you and make you laugh as you have made me laugh xx

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Today at 2:15pm I ran my fingers through my hair and there it was. The start of the baldness. The hair loss. The lovely locks are on their way out. Don’t ask me how I knew what the time was, or even the relevance. I just remember the time.

Anyhoo, we all know that was going to happen but what no one told me was the itchiness. The last few days I have been itching my head like a lice/nits infested child. Constant scratching. I didn’t think much of that at the time, beside it being a bit annoying but now, because it has started to fall out, it is even itchier.

This has me thinking. What happens when the forest of dreams downstairs in lady land starts falling out? How on earth am I going to be able to go around scratching that? A head is easy because you can do that discreetly by ‘running your fingers through your hair and having a scratch on the way through’. Well, I can’t actually do that now because where will I put the hand fulls of hair if I am in the supermarket?

I can’t ‘accidentally’ rub myself on the trolly because then it’ll look like  I am masturbating in public and could possibly get arrested. Oh man, this is going to be a tough one.

I can hear you saying, just shave it now. Well, have you ever shaved ‘down there’? It grows back super duper itchy if you haven’t done it for a while and what if it isn’t ready to fall out yet and comes back itchy from the growth AND the hair loss. See my dillema here?

Well, tomorrow I am going to ask Dr Hands to shave my head because already, this hair loss is annoying. Not just the itchiness but the bits of hair that are on my body. It is like I am constantly walking through spider webs or that I have some out of control body tick. I absolutely hate random hair on my shoulders, arms, in my sandwich etc.

So tomorrow is the day. I’ll try not to think of ‘lady land’ and hope she doesn’t have me walking around with my hands down my pants having a good ol’ scratch.

I’ll leave you tonight with that image….