2 Chemo’s to Go….

For some reason, I thought today was only going to be an hour in the chair for my ‘spa therapy’ but oh no, that was just too much to hope for, it was three hours. It might not sound a lot to some people but with the blood tests followed by two saline flushes and herceptin and docetaxol and a visit from the oncologist, bubbles in the tube causing more delays, tiredness from a very bad night sleep, this all made for a pretty shitty day.

Sometimes I feel so much guilt for having Sam take two days off each three weeks. The Thursday to drive me to and from chemo and sit with me for company and to watch for rashes and make me drink water etc. Friday following the Thursday he is home to make sure the side effects aren’t too bad and is able to check temperature and take my tablets and basically hover over me etc. He takes it in his stride but shit, how rough must that be for the carer to constantly keep a smile on their face and throw the funny jokes to me to keep me smiling.

Oh, and another thing…. My oncologist, who I adored until today, came into see me and I told him to look at my beautiful ‘fluff’ that I am calling hair and his response was this..

‘Yeah well that will fall out soon’

He even said this with a smile on his face. If he wasn’t such a cutie I would have slapped his face. Oh, I had a intravenous thing in one arm and the other is very weak so there was no chance of a slap even if he wasn’t cute hehe. I am sad though. I really love my little baby hair that is coming through.

I did ‘bling’ up today with my lovely engagement ring, new ring to keep engagement ring in place and wouldn’t you know it but Nurse Kathy noticed and says, excitedly, was there a wedding since the last chemo!!?? I explained that no, no wedding but a ‘safety ring’ was bought to keep THIS engagement ring in place.

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I also got to wear my gorgeous necklace from my pea in Singapore that she bought me for my 40th (3 years ago) and it looks beautiful. My anniversary earrings were also in place so I felt kinda ‘pretty’ with my bling and my fluff. I am still going hatless and wigless and scarfless and feel good for it. So, here is today’s look.

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Figured I best pop in a gorgeous photo of my boy Brady while I am here.

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I’m Bald and I’m OK

After the shower – This is what I combed out

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After drying and styling my hair

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This is halfway through my ‘session’ – Sam is loving pretending to be my french hair stylist

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This is the end result

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So, I thought I would have been waiting longer before the big shave but OMG, when the locks start falling, they fall in a big way. Yesterday i ran my hands through my itchy head and pulled out a reasonable sized lock of hair. I waited. I looked. Nope, no tears. I cried looking at another bloggers photos of her holding her hair in her hand but it didn’t happen when I held mine.

Sam came home from work and you know how sometimes when you have to tell someone something and you think you are going to be ok but as soon as you start speaking, you start blubbering and crying and stuff? Well, I thought this would happen to me but nope, I showed him my locks of hair I’d pulled out and he wanted to have a go. He ran his hands through my hair and nope, he got nothing so it really was a non event. He was even a bit disappointed to have not managed to get a handful of my hair can you believe!?

Today, whole new story. I did the whole ‘tug’ on my hair when I woke and nothing happened so I thought, oh, that must have just been a one off and a coincidence because yesterday was day 14 after the spa therapy (chemo) and the spa nurses said hair loss would occur at day 14. Well blow me down with a feather – where they not spot on or what?

Anyhoo, I was having my loving morning cuppa and a few, shall we say, tendrils of hair, fell onto my keyboard. Shit. This was not going to work for me. Then there was the odd hair on my arm and I am not one for feeling tickly spider web feelings on my body so I managed my way to the shower expecting all of my hair to fill the drain but again, hardly a hair came out. I thought I was imagining the hair loss. Maybe I was going to be one of those people who only had mild hair loss.

I had seen on other blogs and read other stories where the shower is when it all happens. Like in the olden days, remember the movie ‘psycho’? The fear on her face? Backed up against the tiled wall. That is how I expected I would be. Ok fine, she was about to be stabbed to death from memory and all I was about to face was hair loss but my shower experience was more like a scene from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I was singing away and having quite a lovely time until it was time to get out.

Drying off and sorbelining myself was all well and good until it was time to comb the hair and goodness me, there was an absolute mountain of hair! LIke seriously, the hair loss was incredible. I looked at my head expecting to see big bald spots but nope, no bald spots but a big mountain of hair was there, on the vanity unit looking at me.

So now, I am balding my way through life and whilst it is chilly, at least I can put my hair dryer, dry shampoo, hair straightener, hairspray, straightening serum, Nioxin Shampoo and Conditioner, Hair Treatments and Hair ties all away and make for a clean and tidy vanity unit.

I hope my naked head doesn’t frighten or scare anyone. I hope I dont create any nightmares or fears for anyone. I have had so many lovely messages, emails and texts saying I am inspiring and even making people less frightened of the ol’ mammogram and ultrasounds etc. Dont let the bald head change all that. It will grow back and I will be wishing for beautiful thick lovely curly locks this time instead of the thin drab hair I had previously.

Here is the final photo… what I like to call, the crime scene

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Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Today at 2:15pm I ran my fingers through my hair and there it was. The start of the baldness. The hair loss. The lovely locks are on their way out. Don’t ask me how I knew what the time was, or even the relevance. I just remember the time.

Anyhoo, we all know that was going to happen but what no one told me was the itchiness. The last few days I have been itching my head like a lice/nits infested child. Constant scratching. I didn’t think much of that at the time, beside it being a bit annoying but now, because it has started to fall out, it is even itchier.

This has me thinking. What happens when the forest of dreams downstairs in lady land starts falling out? How on earth am I going to be able to go around scratching that? A head is easy because you can do that discreetly by ‘running your fingers through your hair and having a scratch on the way through’. Well, I can’t actually do that now because where will I put the hand fulls of hair if I am in the supermarket?

I can’t ‘accidentally’ rub myself on the trolly because then it’ll look like  I am masturbating in public and could possibly get arrested. Oh man, this is going to be a tough one.

I can hear you saying, just shave it now. Well, have you ever shaved ‘down there’? It grows back super duper itchy if you haven’t done it for a while and what if it isn’t ready to fall out yet and comes back itchy from the growth AND the hair loss. See my dillema here?

Well, tomorrow I am going to ask Dr Hands to shave my head because already, this hair loss is annoying. Not just the itchiness but the bits of hair that are on my body. It is like I am constantly walking through spider webs or that I have some out of control body tick. I absolutely hate random hair on my shoulders, arms, in my sandwich etc.

So tomorrow is the day. I’ll try not to think of ‘lady land’ and hope she doesn’t have me walking around with my hands down my pants having a good ol’ scratch.

I’ll leave you tonight with that image….

I Am On Cancer Leave.

I don’t have much to report today. I am a bit blugh but not in a bad way. I am just a little flat. It might be because there is nothing really happening right now. I am walking around still carrying drippy, still sore, still lop sided and still in this mornings pyjamas and it is after 9pm at night.

Geez, that sounds really quite pathetic and sooky hey, but I am generally ok beside what I have said above. I pooped today which made me smile. I slept amazingly well last night which also made me smile. I guess I am not great at recovering from surgery. I feel that there should be something happening now but there isn’t.

So, I spent my day filling in paperwork for my income insurance, medicare documents, phoning the bank to explain my situation and to see what options are available (yes I know I know, I work in the industry but my mortgage isn’t with the bank I work with so I had to double check that they had the same options available), made my post operation appointment, oncology appointment and booked Brady in for a total hair cut. He is so woolly at the moment that I am frightened he is going to be mistaken as one of the local sheep and boy is he filthy! Building a house is great and beautiful and everything is new except for the garden. We managed to get the front garden done and finished and looking lovely but the back yard, well, it is dirt. Mud sometimes, but dirt and it loves to stick to Brady. I think it might be a while off now until we pave or deck that area as we had planned to do so by having Brady shaved, it’ll save him bringing in a lot of that dirt and mud. Oh, I best not start chatting to you about Brady because this entire blog could then revolve around that wonderful boy of mine.

Oh, there is something I want to talk about actually, it is being fat. Most of you know I am a wee bit overweight, ok, a lot but anyway, I found something out about chemo. You get fat! I do not have room to put on anymore weight. Why can’t there be a benefit to this cancer bizzo like weight loss or something? Isn’t it enough that I am going to lose my hair (I hope I have a beautiful scalp), lose my eyelashes and eyebrows, will get mouth ulcers (that is going to suck for a fat chick who loves food),  and I’ll  put on weight! I know I’ll end up with lovely boobies eventually but geez, can I have something to enjoy in the mean time? Why can’t something amazing happen like, end up with beautiful glowing skin, or the tightening of my bum and leg muscles, make me smarter… something positive would really be nice. Oh hang on, there is something positive, it will save my life. Yeah ok, that’ll do.

And another thing. Why can’t we have ‘cancer leave’ like we do with ‘maternity leave’? That would be super handy for us cancer people. It is seeming to be quite an expensive illness at this time and I imagine it is only going to get more expensive so being on ‘cancer leave’ from work would be very beneficial right now. I am hoping there wont be too much of a hassle obtaining this income insurance. The insurance company obviously ask a lot of questions and the paperwork is generic but one of the questions is ‘when did you notice your illness’. Isn’t that a bizzare question? They also ask when you first went to the doctor and then when you received confirmation of the illness but the question as to when you noticed your illness I thought was quite out there.

So my plans for the next few days are to accept I have had major surgery as advised to me by Pauline and Dr Hands, accept I have to rest, relax and reduce the thoughts in my head. I will pick up my book and lose myself in the words and worlds of others. I shall feel no guilt in doing so either because this is what I need to do. The pain killers are good when they are working but they make me feel I can do much more than I should really be doing so I will listen to the professionals and not my endone brain.

Want to know what I am reading right now? The Girl On The Train by Paula Hawkins. I am absolutely loving this book and it fascinates me that I can enjoy a book where I do not like the characters. They aren’t nice people but I can’t put the book down. I am almost finished this book and you know what comes after that? Choosing a new book to read. That is one of my favourite things to do in life, choosing the next book to read and I have lots of books in my ‘To Be Read’ pile.

Well, thanks for sticking with me through this rambling session. I feel better now, do you? 🙂