No sympathy needed – just a quick cry

Today I cried.

I woke early and no, that is not what made me cry. There seemed to be a lot of noise in the ‘village’ today so up I got at the ripe old time of 7am. I felt good. I felt hungry and hungry for more than just potato chips so up I got, coffee machine on, griller on and off I went. Toast with coffee and barocca. No headache or nausea tablets needed thanks.

Still no reason to cry.

On went the TV to my favourite hit music channel and all my favourite songs are playing, one after the other.  There was that new one from Taylor Swift – Bad Blood, then the cute one from Ed Sheeran with the clips of him as a little kid, my current favourite song of the moment by Andy Grammar – Honey I’m Good. I was bopping along loving life and then it happened.


Not just a tear here or there but a flood of them. WTF? Where did these come from? They weren’t stopping anytime soon either. They just kept coming.

The thing is, I wasn’t crying for me. There was no, why me or, I am addicted to the cancer drugs give me more, or pity me poor me etc. I was just crying. And no, I am not addicted to any of the medications.

My crying went on for three songs. So whats that? About 12 minutes I think.

I cried for Sam for having to put up and deal with this crap.

I cried for my daughter and my mum for having to worry about me instead of loving and enjoying every moment of life.

I cried for my friends and family who love and care and worry for me.

I even cried for my dogs for not having a fun mummy as they were peacefully sleeping on the sofa when I had specifically asked them to stop sleeping on the sofa.



I cried for the messy en-suite. Dirty floors. Empty coffee cup.

Finally, after my three songs, I stopped and am now back to normal. It was weird and I know, you, the reader may think, or even say, you are entitled to cry. The thing is, I haven’t really done this crying thing since the diagnosis. I have had a tear and a cuddle with my man here and there but those sobs from this morning, wow, that was out there.

Now that it is done, another favourite song is on, Ellie Goulding – Love me like you do.

So, while I listen to this song, I’ll phone the vet and book Kelly in to have her bubble ear looked at and get on with my day.

My smile is back 🙂

Thanks for listening

My Regret… or is it my wish?

My life has been one of a lot of different experiences, friends, men, lovers, drugs, alcohol, parties, ideas, dreams, homes, locations, jobs, etc. I have not have had one regret until now. Even now I am not sure it is even a regret but a wish. It is something anyway that I feel important to talk about.


So, leftie was cut off, thrown in the bin along with the cancer who had invaded her and I was so pleased and grateful my lovely surgeon had removed her from my body, my life. But, what about rightie. Don’t tell rightie but in all honesty, I wonder why she is still here. Why was she not given the same treatment as leftie. I feel awful saying this but, I don’t want rightie here. I don’t want rightie to have to deal with what leftie went through. To have to develop an illness so horrible as cancer. I even told my Mr Kollias that I didn’t care to have rightie but everything was in such a hurry, a rush to get rid of Leftie with her disease called cancer invading her and her good neighbours and friends lymph nodes.

Why did my lovely, amazing surgeon Mr Kollias, not take rightie when he took leftie. Everything happened so fast that I didn’t even have a moment to take it all in but if I had, I would have asked, even demanded for rightie to be taken at the same time as leftie.

With all of the amazing and not so amazing things I have lived, endured, seen and experienced in my 43 three years of life, this is my only regret to date . To have not asked my surgeon to take them both. To let them rot in the bin together. I want the whole lot gone. The risk to be gone. No breasts, no lady bits (yes, my surgeon wants to do the whole hysterectomy) and I want to know why it wasn’t all done at the same time.

Thursday I will see my Mr Kollias and I will ask him but that doesn’t change the fact that it all wasn’t done during the one surgery.

I realise my last post only written a few hours ago talks of a shopping list but if I give anyone advice on breast cancer, please ask your surgeon (if you want) to take both breasts to save time. Go the hysterectomy if you are like me wanting to take all precautions available.

Thankfully I have an amazing daughter (Accalia-Jayne) and am in no need to go and have anymore children because you know what? I got it right the first time (which is great because I have some weird arse heart condition thing that doesn’t like me being pregnant) so I am more than ready to get rid of it all.  My lady bits, not my heart.

I am no Angelina Jolie but she is a great role model in showing you can get rid of both breasts and have the hysterectomy to go that bit further to save your life. I am so much like her, without the height, gorgeous hair and lips, slim and womanly body, the money and films, the fame, but other than that we are totally alike 🙂

Again, I can’t sleep. So I shall annoy you all with my thoughts, my ideas, my dreams and my wishes.

Tonight I cried again and I am not impressed. I am hoping it is just the bubbles, the lack of sleep but the song that Sam and I call our 2015 song came on. Not sure if you have heard it but it is ‘I wasn’t expecting that” by some guy who is traveling Australia supporting Ed Sheeran.  I heard it on Nova radio one day just before I got my cancer confirmation and I thought, geez, he is a wee bit repetitive but I loved the story. He met a girl, they kissed, she spent the night, they fell in love, months went into years and kids happened and moved on etc…. it really was a beautiful story. You get totally sucked into his love story but blow me down, she gets cancer. He doesn’t say it but you just know she gets it because, near the end of the song the nurses tell them, it’s come back again. Thankfully they have had a great life but shit, we all know we are going to die but we don’t plan our lives around it and this song just zeros in on that last bit. The cancer is back and she leaves him. He wasn’t expecting that. I dont want to leave my Sam. I dont want to close my eyes and leave him to go on without me. These thoughts, the song, the film clip, the bubbles I am enjoying, well, combined, I had tears. And that’s ok because I have cancer.