My Broken Bum

When you have breast cancer, mastectomy, chemotherapy ‘we refer to chem as spa therapy for any new readers), ancillary clearances and so forth, you get given a lot of information about all of the possible side effects which I call ‘feelings’ and they really leave nothing out. The lists have all sorts of weird and wonderful feelings that ‘may’ happen like hair loss (yup, got it), mouth ulcers (nope, skipped that one), loss of appetite (have you seen the size of me? Nope missed that one too) and so on.

What was NOT on any list I have read or heard was HEMORRHOIDS.

I thought I’d broken my bum the other day as I sat crying on the loo wondering what on earth was happening down there. Was I one of those women who didn’t know they were pregnant and was actually giving birth to a child on the toilet? I have read about this quite a few times so it isn’t uncommon. Do I put my hand down there in case there is a little person that I think is a poop? Oh please let this be a poop. I don’t want to touch it, and to make you all feel better, the poop finally came out with me shrieking in ‘labor pain’ and there was no baby to rescue. Phew. AND I didn’t need to touch it ewe!

I really didn’t want to go to the local doctor about this just yet because really, we have only just met and I am constantly asking him to look at my scar where the boob used to be and he might think me a bit of a perv if I go in there and ask him to look at my bum so I did the absolute worst thing in the world and checked out Dr Google.

**Warning, unless you are completely prepared and have an iron stomach, do not type in to google, Hemorrhoids. Those pictures will never ever leave your brain**

The reasons for hemorrhoids had nothing to do with me as I read through the list, pregnancy, child birth, old age, and then there was the answer…. moving a stool. Whilst I hadn’t moved a stool as such that day, I had moved a bedside cabinet the day before and it was quite heavy!

Ah ha! I had my answer, or so I thought. Please keep in mind I am not overly bright but if something says you can get a sore bum from moving a piece of furniture, and you have moved a piece of furniture recently, then that is what you will believe.

Obviously, I wanted a ‘second’ opinion so went to another site and again, they are talking about moving stools and it clicked. Nope, it was not furniture related, a stool is a poo! Why the hell do they call it a stool? It is nothing like a stool. It is a piece of poo that comes out, not something you can invite the neighbour to sit on. Where on earth do these people come up with words like stool for a piece of poo. A poo is a poo for goodness sake.

Dr Hands came home from work and I told him the sad news of my bum and without even taking a breath to understand my pain and discomfort, he is in peels of laughter. He can’t stop. He laughs for so long and I just stand there looking at him. Wow, this is not the Dr Hands I know. Who Is He?

Once he composes himself, he yells out “Price check in aisle 3 for Hemorrhoid cream, Price check in aisle 3” and he hasn’t stopped. Three days now I have heard this being hollered through the house. As I waddle out of the toilet he laughs and laughs. I am not entirely sure why he thinks this is so funny…

The next thing is getting treatment. Remember that day I went to our little country local chemist and bought a ‘value pack’ of condoms because Pharmacy Mary said they were better value if we were going to use a lot of them…. and then a few hours later Sam went to see the same Pharmacy Mary and bought the biggest box of latex gloves…… how do I walk in and ask Pharmacy Mary for bloody hemorrhoid cream?

Price check on barcode.
Price check on barcode.

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