My Broken Bum

When you have breast cancer, mastectomy, chemotherapy ‘we refer to chem as spa therapy for any new readers), ancillary clearances and so forth, you get given a lot of information about all of the possible side effects which I call ‘feelings’ and they really leave nothing out. The lists have all sorts of weird and wonderful feelings that ‘may’ happen like hair loss (yup, got it), mouth ulcers (nope, skipped that one), loss of appetite (have you seen the size of me? Nope missed that one too) and so on.

What was NOT on any list I have read or heard was HEMORRHOIDS.

I thought I’d broken my bum the other day as I sat crying on the loo wondering what on earth was happening down there. Was I one of those women who didn’t know they were pregnant and was actually giving birth to a child on the toilet? I have read about this quite a few times so it isn’t uncommon. Do I put my hand down there in case there is a little person that I think is a poop? Oh please let this be a poop. I don’t want to touch it, and to make you all feel better, the poop finally came out with me shrieking in ‘labor pain’ and there was no baby to rescue. Phew. AND I didn’t need to touch it ewe!

I really didn’t want to go to the local doctor about this just yet because really, we have only just met and I am constantly asking him to look at my scar where the boob used to be and he might think me a bit of a perv if I go in there and ask him to look at my bum so I did the absolute worst thing in the world and checked out Dr Google.

**Warning, unless you are completely prepared and have an iron stomach, do not type in to google, Hemorrhoids. Those pictures will never ever leave your brain**

The reasons for hemorrhoids had nothing to do with me as I read through the list, pregnancy, child birth, old age, and then there was the answer…. moving a stool. Whilst I hadn’t moved a stool as such that day, I had moved a bedside cabinet the day before and it was quite heavy!

Ah ha! I had my answer, or so I thought. Please keep in mind I am not overly bright but if something says you can get a sore bum from moving a piece of furniture, and you have moved a piece of furniture recently, then that is what you will believe.

Obviously, I wanted a ‘second’ opinion so went to another site and again, they are talking about moving stools and it clicked. Nope, it was not furniture related, a stool is a poo! Why the hell do they call it a stool? It is nothing like a stool. It is a piece of poo that comes out, not something you can invite the neighbour to sit on. Where on earth do these people come up with words like stool for a piece of poo. A poo is a poo for goodness sake.

Dr Hands came home from work and I told him the sad news of my bum and without even taking a breath to understand my pain and discomfort, he is in peels of laughter. He can’t stop. He laughs for so long and I just stand there looking at him. Wow, this is not the Dr Hands I know. Who Is He?

Once he composes himself, he yells out “Price check in aisle 3 for Hemorrhoid cream, Price check in aisle 3” and he hasn’t stopped. Three days now I have heard this being hollered through the house. As I waddle out of the toilet he laughs and laughs. I am not entirely sure why he thinks this is so funny…

The next thing is getting treatment. Remember that day I went to our little country local chemist and bought a ‘value pack’ of condoms because Pharmacy Mary said they were better value if we were going to use a lot of them…. and then a few hours later Sam went to see the same Pharmacy Mary and bought the biggest box of latex gloves…… how do I walk in and ask Pharmacy Mary for bloody hemorrhoid cream?

Price check on barcode.
Price check on barcode.

Image from http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CAUQjhw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.jantoo.com%2Fcartoons%2Fkeywords%2Fcheckers&ei=NOehVdv-C-ezmwXQgKqwBA&bvm=bv.97653015,d.dGY&psig=AFQjCNGev82xPnGPnP12wXzz41r1OWNUsA&ust=1436760236631183

Too Much Information? YUP.

For those who don’t know my town, it is a little one. The old girl down at the post office knows everyones goings on and even shuts up shop to eat lunch from midday until 1pm. You can go to the doctors surgery (1 doctor only) and know at least one person in the waiting room, be let in the line of people waiting to go first because they know what you are going through. The postie, Ashley, gets excited when I have a parcel delivered to me because he loves my new letterbox with the parcel safe.

So, I had to buy something a little, well, personal today at the chemist. Everyone knows Mary, the pharmasist because she is the doctors wife. So, in I popped to the chemist with more scripts for her to fill and I wandered the store like I usually do. This time, I am actually looking for something and being the teeny tiny chemist it is, it shouldn’t really be that hard to find.

Well, I couldn’t bloody find what I wanted and I was going to have to ask Mary! I bet she hides them  just so someone has to actually ask for them. Say it out loud. For once, I was the only one in the teeny tiny chemist so I asked her.

‘Mary, do you sell, um, ah, condoms?’

The look on her face was one of confusion at being asked for these things. She composed herself pretty quickly and said yes yes, this way. They were in the baby stuff section! Geez, good one Mary!

So I just went to grab a box and she says to me…

“If you buy the bigger box, it is only an extra $4.00 but I guess it depends on how often you are going to need them.”

What? OMG. Was she trying to work out how often I was going to have sex? Once she realised what she had said, she disappeared back behind the counter and fussed with my prescriptions.

For some weird reason, I felt I had to explain to her that due to the chemo bizzo, I wasn’t able to have unprotected sex with my FIANCEE!!!!! so I needed these condom thingies. She knows I am engaged to Sam because more often than not, we are in the chemist together.

I don’t think I was embarrassed buying them as a teenager, why on earth was I embarrassed as a 40 something woman?

You’d think that would be enough for Mary to think about but there’s more….

Remember how Kelly had surgery recently? Well, she requires drops and cream for both ears twice a day and Sam uses those surgeon type gloves to do this. He ran out so off he went down to the chemist to buy a huge box of rubber gloves.

What must Mary be thinking………eeek