23 Things I Love About My Life

http://luckyottershaven.com/2015/07/21/20-things-i-hate-about-my-life/

This is the post that made me make this post. I love Lucky Otters Haven’s blog. I love it. In any case, theirs was a 23 Things I hate About My Life, I want to do the opposite…

Here are my 23 things I love about my life

1. I am Loved. Of course by my mother, family, daughter, Dr Hands, In Laws, Brady (Big White Dog), Kelly (staffy x) friends I knew I had and friends I never knew I had, neighbours and so forth

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Me and Dr Hands (Sam)

2. My Home. It is newly built. 19th of December, Dr Hands and I were handed the keys to our newly built home and on that date I was also proposed too by Dr Hands.

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3. My Daughter. She is a Hoot. She is different, loving, colourful, cuddly and everything else. I never thought I was a great mum but boy, I look at this daughter of mine and know, somewhere, somehow, her father, her grandparents, and myself, must have done A OK. She is great.

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4. Inlaws. Never have I felt the love of an outside family as I have with my Dr Hands Family. His mother hugs me so tight, so lovingly and I never want to let go. My FFIL (future father in Law) always has a kiss and cuddle for me as well as jokes and payouts. My gorgeous and fit and healthy SIL (future Sister In Law) is amazing and always has a cuddle, kind words, mimco umbrellas and amazing nieces and nephews for me. She Rocks. This is the kind of family one would want to marry into.

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5. I didn’t really want to put them down to number five but my Brady Bailey-Wilkinson and Kelly-Bear are so loving and amazing to me. They really dont give a shit if I am sick but they love me all the same. I would really love to add one more fur baby to my brood being a french bull dog but ‘apparently’ now is not the time (they are Dr Hands Words)

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Brady and Kelly

6. Bubbles. Yep, sparkling wine, champagne, what ever you want to call it I love it. It helps me sleep (oh come to me people who want to tell me drugs and alcohol are not the answer but shit, Cancer Honey!! give me bubbles, I kinda deserve it’

7. The Real Housewives of Meadows. I think they should be happy they living here in a beautiful town in the Adelaide Hills but noooo, One is in Bali and the other is constantly working but when they aren’t ….. they are amazing. I can call or text and they are there for me. They can pass on a bottle of bubbles, a cup of coffee, a chat etc. These woman, when they are around, are great people

8. Work. Yes, you read it right, work. I liked my job before my ‘promotion’ but wow, my new job is amazing and in all honesty, I can’t wait to get back to it. Not long now. Like, what, 10 months or so ….

9. BFF. Tracey. I remember as a kid, I think I was like about 11 and I walked down to the local shop in Summertown in South Australia and asked the lady behind the counter (who was the mother) if I could play with her daughter. Over thirty years later, we are still friends 🙂

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We are not 11 years old here

10. My Mum. She was soooo annoying when I was younger but boy dont mum’s change when you grow up. She has been amazing. I worry for her though having to go through ‘my cancer’ on her own but she seems to be doing ok. Totally love this lady. Wish I could be more like her xx

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Me and My Mama

11. King Crab Claws. Anything crab gives me great love. Love love love crab. Give me no other food but crab.

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12. My Bed. Seriously, I bloody love my bed. I may complain or whinge about sleeping so much but in all honesty, if there is any ‘side effect’ from chemo, sleep is the best. I have Elisian sheets, Canningvale quilt cover, freedom furniture king size bed, yes, I am very bed and linen obsessed.

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13. Books, any book. Give it to me. Give me Give me Give me books!

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14. Internet. Love it. I can email friends, family, anyone. I can blog all kinds of ‘crap’ but the internet will forward it to someone who might want to read it 🙂 Love it

15. My Past. Everyone always bitches and complains and are all embarrassed about their past but why? It made you who you are today…. I understand some people had really shitty crappy childhoods and they have every right to complain but mine was A OK.

16. Doctors and Medicine. Yep, they have saved my life. I am one boob down, have a kick arse scar but it is all to save my life. Chemotherapy to follow boobemectomy to ensure this cancer bitch doesn’t return…. I love modern research.

17. The Bold and the Beautiful. Yep, love it. I have taped it for years and have saved every Sunday to spend the day watching episode upon episode. Funny thing is, since I have been given 12 months off to recover from breast cancer, The Bold and the Beautiful has given me the shits. I’ll still continue to watch it but not record it 🙂

18. Foxtel. Ok,  I have taken a while to get used to it and the only channel I really understood was the music channel but now I am getting to know more of the channels, I am learning there is more to like and appreciate. When you are on leave for a year or so, you will want to find something to entertain you the moment you are awake…

19. My Cousins. These amazing people who dont get together as often as we should, got together and organised a cleaner for Dr Hands and I. Dr Hands, he works full time, is a full time carer for me and looks after the house and food. The moment I learnt that my cousins got together and those who could contribute, organised a cleaner for us each fortnight for three months was beyond words. It is this kind of thought that really makes you feel loved. Knowing that people know that something as simple as housework is a lot for anyone going through this was amazing.

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20. Modern Day. Remember the old days when pregnant women would wear ‘sacks’ due to society and now they can wear crop tops and skinny pants? Well, cancer people can now get around with no hats or scarfs or ‘hair’ Now, preggos and cancer peeps can get around without the cover ups. I love this a lot.

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21. Cancer. Weird that would come in to the 23 things I love right but, now I know what cancer is, what it is like, how to deal with it. People ‘think’ they know cancer and how they would deal with it but until you have it, you know nothing. With my job, I will be more informed and educated it what my ‘client’ is going through. I will beat this bitch and get through it and be stronger for it.

22. My Family. I have a huge family and not all get along but when cancer comes along, we all get along. My huge family, well, they have come through thick and fast. I have an Auntie who knitted not only a square but a whole blanket that I constantly snuggle into on my bean bag. My cousins (and others) who have organised a cleaner for us for three months. Emails daily from a cousin to ensure I am A OK and doing alright. My family are amazing.

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23. Dr Hands. Sam Wilkinson. My Fiance. My Lover. My Everything. He is the one who can look at my face and know, know that I am well or not so well. He knows when I need to eat, drink, need medication, a hug, a kiss etc. I do not know how my man does it all but he does. He can look at me and know what I need, I can scream at him, cry with him, cuddle and beg and he still knows what I need. Without Dr Hands, I am sure I’d be ok but not as good as I am now and yesterday and tomorrow. He knows my needs, my wants and my requirements. I get angry at him and say some really shitty words but he brushes them by and gets on with life. Where would I be without Dr Hands?

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Sailing our hire house boat and loving it 🙂
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My Love, My Everything xx

Stick me 22 times with that needle… I’ll be fine :)

I had an appointment with my wonderful surgeon Mr J Kollias today and I thought to myself, why not call into work and grab the things I needed from my locker like my sneakers. I have one pair of sneakers and they have been living at work since the 7th of April. I also needed a couple of documents which my lovely buddies Gilda and Veronica were able to organise between themselves  for me.

What was amazing was the amount of lovely, caring and wonderful people who had a moment to come hug, talk and smile with me. I heard I was looking good, that they loved my blogs, happy to see me etc. What never ceases to amaze me is the people who come out of the woodwork to give you the support and positiveness through times such as this. Times like these really show some peoples true colours and I love it. Some of these true colours are sad and hard to deal with because they aren’t the people you thought they were but with others, the ones that quietly text or send private messages, they are the ones I hold close to pick me up when I am feeling down.

I have a great friend called Ian W. We have worked together for more than ten years now and today, we hugged. Our first hug ever…..Neeeyaaaw! It was lovely 🙂

I was given a word of advice from my long time mate Ian W. If the blog is too long, he doesn’t finish it hehe. Well you know what Ian W, join my man Sam because he is the same. Sam looks at how many words there are before he decides if he is going to read it or not. Keep in mind that whilst this blog is for anyone interested in my journey and how I am feeling and what I am going through, it is also my release, my therapy. So, if there are too many words for the Sam’s and Ians of the world, too bad. 🙂

After visiting the wonderful people at work, I felt I didn’t want to leave! I wanted to stay and talk and believe it or not, work! People believe that having so much time off is awesome and don’t get me wrong, it totally rocks but OMG, it has been a very long time since I have had this kinda time on my hands.

So, I left my work peeps and headed to Mr Kollias’ office which has me very concerned and has kinda changed my thoughts on this wonderful man. Here is what I think now. He does not like real boobs. He is a fake boob kinda guy. Ok fine, he cut out my cancer, threw my boob and nipple in the bin, took out my 9 out of 20 lymph nodes and saved my life but he was not done. He had something else he wanted to do.

Remember the other day when I was telling you that I thought I was a medical miracle? That I had started to grow a new boob? Well, surgeon Mr K said it was just fluid and he would drain it for me. Right. There. And. Then!

I didn’t bring Dr Hands with me (Sam) and I was scared. Dr K told me to get my gear off (top half only) and pushed and prodded the new boob I had proudly grown and said it felt like a hot water bottle. Yeah, whatever, he just doesn’t want to admit I could be beating the odds and growing this boobie back! He pulled out a gigantic needle and syringe, telling me he would drain it. If I had a mirror in front of me I am almost certain I would be doing a day time soapie face….

22 needles in and out, filling each and every 22 sucker syringes full and squeezing the disgusting liquid into a kidney dish and I was done according to Mr Kollias. I did request Mr K pop that needle and syringe into my stomach, ass and thighs to rid them of the disgusting liquid but he didn’t have time to do that, he was due in surgery in about an hour.  I kid you not but that dish was almost full! And not at all pleasant to look at but I peeked all the same. What did surprise me was the fact I didn’t feel it at all. He said I wouldn’t feel it because I was still numb from surgery. Not sure how he knew that because I certainly didn’t tell him. He must indeed know his stuff hey?

What did make me jump out of my skin was when he grabbed one of the boobie stitches! Wow, the F word flew out of my mouth in the speed of light and you know what Mr K said? Settle down… WHat? Settle down? Geez, that hurt like no tomorrow and he wants me to settle down!? I’ll give him a settle down!! That part of my missing leftie boobie is very sensitive but he did answer one question that had been driving me nuts. There is a bit of a bubble thing that looks like a cleavage and that is exactly what it is. He said that by leaving that bubble there, he can create a magnificent boob with a natural looking cleavage. He is a thinker that surgeon of mine. So now, I love him again.

Turns out that I can now shower and do whatever even I want (making sure it isn’t overly strenuous and if you know me, that is not at all a concern) as there are no dressings left because my wound, my scar, is looking marvelous, to Mr K, and the stitches will dissolve. I have a follow up appointment with Mr K in four weeks unless I start growing my medical miracle boob again. Then I’ll have to see him earlier to remove the fluid.

Also, the chemo wont start until the fluid has stopped filling up the bomb site. (boobectimy) so fingers crossed, the fluid stops. I want to get this chemo started because the sooner it starts, the sooner it finishes and the sooner I can get back to work and get back my normal life. Yes, I said it, get back to work. Being a lady of luxury is awesome but after a few weeks, it wears thin.

Having said that, after today’s journey, I was absolutely bloody exhausted and I didn’t do much at all. I felt sad that I couldn’t sit down and talk with all of the wonderful people from work who had written gorgeous messages in my get well cards, that I couldn’t answer everyones questions but I am totally and amazingly happy that there will come a time when I will be back at work to do this.

The only bad news of today was that I did test HER2 positive so that means a whole lot of new drugs that will be added to my chemo journey.

My Regret… or is it my wish?

My life has been one of a lot of different experiences, friends, men, lovers, drugs, alcohol, parties, ideas, dreams, homes, locations, jobs, etc. I have not have had one regret until now. Even now I am not sure it is even a regret but a wish. It is something anyway that I feel important to talk about.

Rightie.

So, leftie was cut off, thrown in the bin along with the cancer who had invaded her and I was so pleased and grateful my lovely surgeon had removed her from my body, my life. But, what about rightie. Don’t tell rightie but in all honesty, I wonder why she is still here. Why was she not given the same treatment as leftie. I feel awful saying this but, I don’t want rightie here. I don’t want rightie to have to deal with what leftie went through. To have to develop an illness so horrible as cancer. I even told my Mr Kollias that I didn’t care to have rightie but everything was in such a hurry, a rush to get rid of Leftie with her disease called cancer invading her and her good neighbours and friends lymph nodes.

Why did my lovely, amazing surgeon Mr Kollias, not take rightie when he took leftie. Everything happened so fast that I didn’t even have a moment to take it all in but if I had, I would have asked, even demanded for rightie to be taken at the same time as leftie.

With all of the amazing and not so amazing things I have lived, endured, seen and experienced in my 43 three years of life, this is my only regret to date . To have not asked my surgeon to take them both. To let them rot in the bin together. I want the whole lot gone. The risk to be gone. No breasts, no lady bits (yes, my surgeon wants to do the whole hysterectomy) and I want to know why it wasn’t all done at the same time.

Thursday I will see my Mr Kollias and I will ask him but that doesn’t change the fact that it all wasn’t done during the one surgery.

I realise my last post only written a few hours ago talks of a shopping list but if I give anyone advice on breast cancer, please ask your surgeon (if you want) to take both breasts to save time. Go the hysterectomy if you are like me wanting to take all precautions available.

Thankfully I have an amazing daughter (Accalia-Jayne) and am in no need to go and have anymore children because you know what? I got it right the first time (which is great because I have some weird arse heart condition thing that doesn’t like me being pregnant) so I am more than ready to get rid of it all.  My lady bits, not my heart.

I am no Angelina Jolie but she is a great role model in showing you can get rid of both breasts and have the hysterectomy to go that bit further to save your life. I am so much like her, without the height, gorgeous hair and lips, slim and womanly body, the money and films, the fame, but other than that we are totally alike 🙂

Again, I can’t sleep. So I shall annoy you all with my thoughts, my ideas, my dreams and my wishes.

Tonight I cried again and I am not impressed. I am hoping it is just the bubbles, the lack of sleep but the song that Sam and I call our 2015 song came on. Not sure if you have heard it but it is ‘I wasn’t expecting that” by some guy who is traveling Australia supporting Ed Sheeran.  I heard it on Nova radio one day just before I got my cancer confirmation and I thought, geez, he is a wee bit repetitive but I loved the story. He met a girl, they kissed, she spent the night, they fell in love, months went into years and kids happened and moved on etc…. it really was a beautiful story. You get totally sucked into his love story but blow me down, she gets cancer. He doesn’t say it but you just know she gets it because, near the end of the song the nurses tell them, it’s come back again. Thankfully they have had a great life but shit, we all know we are going to die but we don’t plan our lives around it and this song just zeros in on that last bit. The cancer is back and she leaves him. He wasn’t expecting that. I dont want to leave my Sam. I dont want to close my eyes and leave him to go on without me. These thoughts, the song, the film clip, the bubbles I am enjoying, well, combined, I had tears. And that’s ok because I have cancer.