New Friends and Half a Head

So, poor Sam only has half a head at the moment. Why? Because I bit the other half off.

I am one crazed and psycho maniac right now. I am not sure why but boy am I angry. I can’t even blame the Tamoxifan because today is only day two but boy, something is making me angry.

Sam  never bites back but today, he said my name gruffly. I stopped in my tracks and all I could hear was my crazy ass bitch comment and irrational arguing. That would explain Sams lovely words recently and the quiet drive to Mt Barker today. The poor guy has been walking on egg shells.

After my last bite of his head, he wrapped his arms around me and just held me until I shut up and realised I was being a nut case. How Lucky Am I?

Is this what menopause like? Is it my early onset of menopause making me a lunatic? Sam even asked if he has death cover just in case. Eeeek.

I had better calm the eff down I tell you. I can hear myself now and I do not sound lovely at all.

Onto something a bit more exciting….. my early birthday presents arrived today and they look like this.

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How pretty are my girls? They are 18 weeks old and absolutely gorgeous. I spent a good half hour just sitting in with them while they pecked around and enjoyed the sunshine and grass. They have fluffy little bums, individual personalities and are so relaxing to be with. I could have sat there all afternoon but I needed to come in for something to eat and to tell you all about my girls (and Sam having half a head).

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My girls are a gift from Half a Head Sam and I thank him from the bottom of my heart. Just sitting in with them calmed me straight away. I will need to keep my eyeballs out for a nice bench seat to put in with the girls so I can send myself in there when I feel my cranky ass surfacing.

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The one at the very back is called Steffie Forrester. I am still thinking of names for the other two. One (the one closest to the camera) I am thinking of calling Ugly Betty but I am worried she will get a complex. The one in front of Steffie Forrester might get the name Ivy Forrester but I will think about it for a while. In any case, I love them all and I love the calmness they bring to me.

Considering I have a huge and massive and insane fear of birds, I am very proud of myself being able to sit and chatter away to these lovely three girls.

……. peace out …… breathe in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…. breathe out 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

 

You’re So Vain….

When I was younger, I was amazing. I was gorgeous. No one could resist me. Just ask the younger me and that is what she would say. I was blonde, very thin and naive. I was dopey which, apparently guys loved as much as a slim waist.

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Obviously as one grows older, they grow outter (larger) sometimes, wrinklier, fatter etc.

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Me? Well, I never thought I would be anything other than amazing. I really wasn’t even that amazing but at the time? Well, I thought I was amazing and that is all that matters.

Today, a friend of Dr Hands came to the door but I thought he was a local council worker and answered the door. He asked if Sam was home and looked at me as though he knew me. I felt disgusting. Seriously. I have a fluff of hair on either side of my head with nothing in the middle like an old man. I have two large sores on my face from disgusting pimples that could not be hidden even if I were a super model. I have no eye lashes or eye brows. Tears running from my eyes.

It is now that I feel disgusting. I feel like a cancer patient. Previously I have been proud of my bald head and face showing that I am going to be a survivor of breast cancer. That I was too proud to cover up……. I didn’t care that I had not one hair on my body and the tears that streamed down my face were chemotherapy related and the sores on my face and arms were from what ever caused them to chemo not allowing them to heal.

Today, after Dr Hands friend left I almost put a spot light on his face asking him a series of questions like – Did your friend know I was sick or does he think I choose to look this way?

Poor Dr Hands, who was actually pleased to have a visitor was like a deer in the headlights saying yes honey, he knows you are sick and that no, you do not choose to look that way.

Over the years, I have gone from a size 8 to a size None of your Business but big.  I have had excuses or hand waves for this but now, I feel vain. I feel so effin ugly that it isn’t even funny now.

I dont want sympathy or confirmation that I am a great person etc but shit, this really sucks.

I remember on one of my birthdays that an Aunt said to me, “you do not appreciate your looks or figure” and man, she was right. I didn’t appreciate my looks or figure  but I sure do now…..

No, I do not want to be supermodel gorgeous but this is not what I expected my later life to be.

How many of us have had a wonderful teenage and mid twenties look that we though would never end? Well, as my wonderful Aunt said, you do not appreciate your looks or figure” – maybe we should appreciate our good looks, health, energy and sex drive while we have it 🙂

I shall now inundate you with prettier photos of me than today 🙂

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Mum and Accalia
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Amanda Fishing

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Ok. so that last photo of Sam and I isn’t exactly pretty but it does remind me that I thought I was pretty, amazing and what not but today, that is not the situation.

Today I have an old mans head. Hair on the left. Hair on the right. Nothing in the middle. Three bright red pimple spots (sores do not heal fast with chemo/cancer treatment).

ANYHOO — I just want everyone to know (if you give a hooot) that I haven’t blogged recently for two reasons.

1 – A very special person who I love very deeply has been diagnosed with cancer. We haven’t an answer how bad or rampant it is but it has stopped me in my tracks. I love you girl and I wait for each and every result. This is not my story to tell but just know, I think of you each and every day and wish I could hug you until you were all better

2 – I have been feeling a bit out of sorts myself not just because of above but because there is still so much more to do. Yes, my chemo is finished and everyone thinks I should be shouting it from the rooftops and I get this. But, I have 8 months worth of herceptin left to go and 33 treatments of of radiation therapy. It isn’t over for me and I do not feel the joy that those do that post all of those wonderful pics of themselves with placards of last chemo treatment etc. Don’t get me wrong, I am totally all for those women who post those pics of their last chemo etc. It is just not me. I have too much more I have to do before I can celebrate. I have herceptin and surgery and radiation etc.

Anyhoo, Today, enjoy every single minute of it. Are you at work? Enjoy and embrace the fact you have a job. Can you see sunshine? Rain? Thunderstorms? Be happy you can see the weather. Have no hair to brush? Feel off your food? Constipated? Hemorrhoids? Diarrhea? Cry! Yell. Scream. You are alive to feel and live these things. I am not terminal and that, that, makes me smile through all of the pain, the torture, the agony.

Smile.

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My two besties Tracey and Nicole

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My gorgeous girls – Accalia my daughter and Stacey her gorgeous girlfriend xx

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See the way this ‘bitch’ looks at me when she is with Sam? Yeah, Well, Kelly (the bitch) and I are besties now hehe. This photo was from when I first moved in with Sam. Look at her unimpressed face… hehhe i totally love this photo

My Life of Contradiction

Be Advised – This is directed at no particular person but me…

I have read so many blogs and articles where people have stopped or delayed chemo because their body just simply couldn’t cope with the pressure of chemo. I totally get this.

This Thursday will be my 8th and final (fingers crossed) chemo session and bring it on I say. I have had enough. My energy and enthusiasm has gone. Not a great deal excites me. Not a lot makes me happy but having said that, not a lot makes me sad. I just feel like a jelly fish going through the motions.

Chemo is tough. Not everyone agrees with chemo and thats ok. But I agree with it. I have read and today even heard about people who have stopped chemo half way through because it was too tough for their body and mind. I totally get this but for me,  I was never going to give up.

I have an amazing daughter who may not need me but I want to be around for her. A gorgeous and amazing fiancee and his family that I do not want to leave, then of course my amazing fur babies and all of my neighbours and friends etc. I will do everything I possibly can, regardless if people agree or not, to keep myself alive and live a long and amazing life.

The story I heard today was of a man who started chemo but found it really tough (and I totally get this because chemo really does suck) but within no time at all, had cancer again.

To those who do get cancer and decide to not go the chemo and or radiotherapy route – thats great but, let those who DO want to take this route do it and do it without guilt.

These last two weeks have been really tough on me and I wonder if I will regret this post tomorrow because my emotions are high, energy is low, tolerance is low etc.

I should be absolutely delighted that I have only 1 more chemo session left and that is this Thursday but I am not delighted. I am tired. I am exhausted. I have had enough of feeling like shit, having no energy, listening to bullshit from ‘friends and family’ about what they think are major issues in their lives that makes me want to smash my head against the wall etc.

What I am greatfull for are the family members and of course, Dr Hands, telling me it is all ok. Agreeing that some of these people are worthy of bashing my head against the wall. They love and accept me and understand that whilst my cancer diagnosis was six months ago, it is still alive and well today. Yes, it has been cut out but it doesn’t end with surgery, there is such a long journey that goes with cancer.

It isn’t a headache where I can take a tablet but complain it is still there two days later.

It isn’t a flu that has me in bed for a week.

It is effing Cancer.

On the plus side, my bum fluff on my head is starting to look like hair and even though Dr Hands swears it is totally grey, it is totally platinum blonde.

Another plus, last chemo this week means that in a few weeks, I will hopefully start to feel some energy start to come back into my body, some happiness, tolerance, positivity and everything else I used to have.

But right now, I shall wallow in my self pity because shit, I think I have earnt this. I am usually very positive and happy and looking at the brighter side of life but not only does cancer, chemo, medication, people with no idea can really bring you down. I do love that when I burst into tears for absolutely no reason that Dr Hands was on board to give me the hug I needed and just made it all that little bit better.

Nope, I am not looking for pity or anything like that, I think this post is more to remind me that even though I was pretty light hearted and positive through this cancer journey, there were some pretty crappy people and days through it.

My highlights of the past two weekends were as follows

  • Clare falling asleep/passing out on our sofa after a big night to brighten her up during her bad times
  • Mum coming up this weekend (as she has done most weekends since I have had cancer/chemo) and bringing some beautiful flowers from her garden and books from her neighbour
  • Seeing all of the lovely spring growth on all of the plants and trees in our newish garden
  • A wonderful visit from Mandy and Josie from work with a gorgeous bunch of flowers and a delish bottle of my favourite bubbles Trilogy

Sorry for the downer of a blog tonight. I feel ok but down. I feel lucky but angry. I am cold but can’t be bothered getting a jumper. This is my life hehe. Such a muddle of crap but I am grateful that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Once I get through this Thursdays chemo, I will be ‘down’ for two weeks I imagine (that is the norm, sleep for a week or more after chemo and take a lot of pain killers) and then, I get four weeks off. No medicals, no blood tests, no doctors, no nothing.

I am hoping I can have a BBQ/Get together for my amazing and wonderful cousins  to thank them for all of their assistance through my chemo crap. Remember, they hired a cleaner for me each fortnight? Oh, I haven’t told you, my Mum has now taken over the cost of the cleaner which I was very cross about but OMG it is such a helpful thing in our lives.

Um, I think thats about it for this week. I am trying to calm myself, let the anger of things that annoy me go, look at the gorgeous new growth of our garden, play with my amazing Brady and Kelly and remember, I am cancer free and after this chemo this week, I get a four or five week break before radiotherapy.

Here, I give you two beautiful photos of our Kelly Belly. Sadly, my daughters father lost his staffy Crash Bang a couple of days ago and I can’t imagine the pain and suffering they are going through with this loss.

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I can’t forget Brady, so here is an old piccie of my old boy (7 and a half year old now)

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8 weeks old
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12 weeks old

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The Straw ….

I’ve got cancer. Isn’t that enough to deal with in one year?

I’ll be honest right now. I have had a wee bit to drink. My preferred beverage is sparkling wine. It used to be known as champagne until the french said no, you can’t call it champagne unless it is from France but what ever, I am having bubbly stuff because boy, what a day.

When Sam (Dr Hands) and I built our beautiful home, I didn’t think life could get much better. We have a beautiful, brand new, super polished, enormous house built for a family of five (minimum) for the two of us. I kept thinking, this can’t be real, this cant be my life. Then, the day we got our keys, he got down on one knee and showed me he wanted to keep me in his life forever with a beautiful diamond engagement ring. Wow, I have the world!

The other amazing thing to have happened when we built our house was something from my inlaws. Sams mum and dad. Dad is not Sam’s sperm donor dad but has been Sam’s step father (I totally hate the step crap) for many years now so I think of them as mum and dad. They asked us to ensure we get income insurance. Being in the secure world of banking, I couldn’t see a need to be honest. My job was great. I work for a sensational bank and had recently been promoted. Sam, well, his job isn’t as secure as mine but in any case,  Sam and I both took out income insurance.

Who’d have known ‘we’ would need it so quickly.

This isn’t the reason for this post. This is a post I am writing but am not sure I will post. I will word it without any nasty words in case at the end of my drunken rant, I do hit the ‘publish’ button. But OMG, today has totally sucked.

Remember yesterday? I became bald. Sam and I had a ceremony to shave my head because the hair was coming out thick and fast. I hated the feel of the random hair on my arm, shoulder, face etc. Seeing a strand here and there on my keyboard was not enjoyable at all. So off it all came.

When I posted the blog and pics on facebook I was totally overwhelmed by the love, compassion and surprise even, of the comments left on my page. I know teenagers count on the ‘likes’ and ‘comments’ on facebook and it becomes ‘who they are’ but for me, well, it is a way to let my family and friends know whats going on. I think I blitzed any teenagers average likes from my bald head. I totally have an amazing group of people who support me and think I look A OK with no hair xx

I am so lucky and shall I say, gifted, to have so many family and friends who generally care about me. I can’t see a lot of my family regularly because I live 45 kilometers from the city, I never know when I am going to have a good day, they work, I sleep etc. I know my family and friends care. Remember the cousins booking a cleaner to look after me each fortnight for three months? My work buddies collecting so much money that there was a bag full of helpful PJ’s, shrugs, a beautiful glass house candle, vouchers and so much more, I am speechless with the people who have come forward to ‘help’ me through this cancer bizzo.

Then a bombshell comes along. Seriously, because stage 3 breast cancer isn’t enough. Losing a boob, facing six months of chemo, six months of radiotherapy and hormone crap isn’t enough. There is more.

He decides, oh, I know her (seeing me on someone elses facebook page) she is my daughter! Well, let me tell you Mr, I am NOT your daughter. I am my mums daughter. Thats it. There is no one else I am a daughter too. I am a daughter in law to my gorgeous and amazing soon to be in laws Sharon and Michael. But I am NOT your daughter and you have no right to call me that. My name is Amanda-Jayne Bailey. No where in that name do you appear.

This is how small South Australia is. I have an amazing set of neighbours across the road. As are the ones next door but today, we will focus on Nana and Poppy. Nana’s sister knows him. He, the sperm donor, recognised me from her face book and decided, oh, I should get in touch with her.

Um, well, you know I am in my mid forties right? You have had lots and lots of years to think of this. How is it that a picture, a photo, a facebook piece of crap is what it takes for you to remember, oh yeah thats right, I had a few kids way back when.

Well guess what shit head, you do not enter my head. You are nothing to me. Do not think for a moment my breast cancer, my fight for life is going to make me want to know you. You have had forty years to pop on by and say hi. You have had forty years to recognise me and my wonderful sister as your kids.

I have breast cancer and in my opinion, that is easier to deal with that hearing from my neighbours sister that you are kinda interested in getting to know me. Well, F*ck You. How about when I was healthy? How about when I gave birth to your grandchild? And dont even think she will want to know you because she has two amazing grandmothers, a great grandma, aunts and uncles all over the place and more love that you’ll ever know.

I love that my neighbour came to me with this news. It was hard for her. I could tell. My great neighbour who, nothing fazes was totally out of her comfort zone had to give me this news. Then I spoke to her equally amazing sister to discuss this. What really makes me angry is that Adelaide is so little. So small that you still didn’t ever, in all of these years, take the time to come find me. To better yourself and be a man. Still, you have to take the easy way out and get someone else to do your dirty work.

I really hope you read this and see the person you are. The person you have always been.

Well, I have a man in my life who is 110% better than you. My soon to be father in law loves me to bits and pieces. He has loved me and seen me cry and walked me through my breast cancer,my tough times being a mum, my joy with our new home etc. He has what you will never have. He has my love.

Leave me be. Let me love my man, my family, my in laws and more than anything, dont you ever, ever try to contact my daughter. She knows you from my sister and myself what you are like. We haven’t had to exaggerate.  She has no time for the person you are. Leave her be too, to love her partner Stacey, to be a big sister to her siblings and enjoy the love from genuine people.

Let me fight my cancer. Let me aim for the sky and get healthy, married, loved, smile and live.

Let me appologise to the people you have made uncomfortable and have made come to see me and pass on your bullshit message. Leave them be. Leave it all be. You do not belong in my life.

I do not need you, just like you dont need me. Do not converse about me at your ‘local’. I am not a part of your world. Let me go. Let me be.

I am a daughter to one person only, and that is my Mum. A woman you never deserved. A woman who gave you two wonderful daughters who you didn’t care for and daughters who now, do not count you as a part of their lives apart from being a sperm donor. That is all you are to me.

Be gone.

Tonight is the last night you will ever have the power to make me cry!

You do not belong in my life.