One thing many cancer survivors mention is the fear of it coming back. That ache or pain or lump or bump could be ‘it’ again.
Well, I have a lump. This time, it is in my other breast. Well, I shouldn’t really say other because I only have one left now so it is in my breast. I assumed that I was being a hypochondriac prior to seeing my doctor last Saturday and that he would brush it off, tell me I was being silly and send me on my way.
That didn’t happen.
He is concerned. Shit shit shit.
Tomorrow afternoon I am off to have a mammogram and ultra sound.
The way I figure it, NOTHING could have survived the recent chemotherapy blast that lasted six months. Surely!!??
It is a decent size lump too. Not a little one but a biggin. I don’t really want to be the 1 in 20 to get it again (these are the amazing odds my doctor gave me of getting cancer again, 1 in 20!). I have barely even recovered from my last bought of cancer.
The only thing that keeps me calm is the fact that I have been there and done that and can do it again if I have too but naturally, I really don’t want too.
I am still tired from the last cancer. I am still having herceptin and heart scans and tamoxifen and massage from the last cancer. Why can’t cancer be a one time only illness?
And another thing…. My hair is looking amazing! I can’t be losing it again so soon!
On a brighter note, I am absolutely loving being back at work. I love walking the floor and riding the elevators. I love that I say hello to people and have a sense of purpose each and every day.
One of the greatest things I took from my cancer ordeal was that life is too short to give a shit about things that are not important. If someone doesn’t like me, who cares? If I go to lunch a little late, it really doesn’t matter. The bus is late? Early? Too hot? Too Cold? It doesn’t bother me. I am happier today than I have ever been and I plan on staying this happy. No body can bring me doooooooown.
The best news of all from the last week is …. we have a wedding date!! It isn’t forever but we have the date. Do you see a problem with getting married on Remembrance Day? I would be really interested to know of peoples thoughts but I am loving the idea of being married 11/11/17. How lovely does that date look? I have looked at catering companies for my relaxed home reception, I have sent a message to Carol (the lady who owns the tree property) to ask if I can be married there on the date 11/11/17. I have even looked at pretty dresses for my gorgeous daughter to wear. Now, all I need to do is lose 20 kilos, grow some more hair, save save save and get married 🙂
Now, I’ll let you in on something.
Just before I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Breast Cancer in April 2015, I fell in love with a song that has such beautiful words but ends so sadly. This song really hit home with me and I even talked about it with Sam. Then, driving home after my cancer diagnosis after the mammogram last year, this song played on the radio and I cried and I cried. I do not want to be a part of this song. Here are the lyrics. If you get a chance, listen to it because as sad as it is, it really is beautiful.
JAMIE LAWSON LYRICS
“Wasn’t Expecting That”
But my heart it went wild
I wasn’t expecting that
Just a delicate kiss
Anyone could’ve missed
I wasn’t expecting that
Did I misread the sign?
Your hand slipped into mine
I wasn’t expecting that
You spent the night in my bed
You woke up and you said
“Well, I wasn’t expecting that!”
I thought love wasn’t meant to last
I thought you were just passing through
If I ever get the nerve to ask
What did I get right to deserve somebody like you?
I wasn’t expecting that
It was only a word
It was almost misheard
I wasn’t expecting that
But it came without fear
A month turned into a year
I wasn’t expecting that
I thought love wasn’t meant to last
Honey, I thought you were just passing through
If I ever get the nerve to ask
What did I get right to deserve somebody like you?
I wasn’t expecting that
Oh and isn’t it strange
How a life can be changed
In the flicker of the sweetest smile
We were married in spring
You know I wouldn’t change a thing
Without that innocent kiss
What a life I’d have missed
If you’d not took a chance
On a little romance
When I wasn’t expecting that
Time doesn’t take long
Three kids up and gone
I wasn’t expecting that
When the nurses they came
Said, “It’s come back again”
I wasn’t expecting that
Then you closed your eyes
You took my heart by surprise
I wasn’t expecting that
An Unscheduled Journey 
Oh Amanda! I was excited when I saw your post, thinking you would be telling me how you are liking being back in the world of work. Now I’m shattered BUT I’m also trying to be positive. This lump could be any number of things, as I’m sure everyone is telling you. Please know that I will be praying and keeping everything crossed for you tomorrow. In my opinion you have already been through enough. Keep up the positive thoughts, you have a wedding to look forward to! Nothing wrong with 11/11 as far as I’m concerned but 11/11/16 sounds better!
Jill
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Thank you so much for thinking of me! As you now know, it was nothing (well, I will find out what it was on Saturday when I see my doctor) and I can now focus all of my energy on planning a wedding and weight loss. Hehe, 2016 would be lovely but my waist line and finances don’t agree.
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Will send you positive vibes for tomorrow if that will help… Will cross all my fingers and toes tomorrow if that will help. .. I will ask the universe to make sure it is not cancer if that will help … Will send you positive thoughts tomorrow if that will help… But in the end I will wish you well in what ever the outcome ….big Cyber hug across Australia!!!
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Thank you so much for your positive vibes. They must have done some good 🙂 xx
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Getting those scares and waiting for results is the worst.. Glad all good 🙂
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Something drew me to read your blog tonight, and now I know why. I, too, had a lump a few months post treatment, in the same breast as the original. Turned out to be nothing, just fluid near the scar, but super scary. I’m hoping yours is nothing, too, dear girl. X
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It is so scary isn’t it? I hate the thought of going through these worries on a regular basis. Time to talk to my surgeon and get the other one off asap. I know it wont prevent cancer coming back but it’ll make me feel a whole lot better xx
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