315 days ago I went to work knowing I would only have to be there for half a day as I had a mammogram and ultrasound booked for a lump in my breast that had previously been diagnosed as ‘mastitis’.
315 days ago, after the mammogram and during the ultrasound, I was told I had Breast Cancer.
315 days ago, Sam and I held each other tight while tears streamed down our faces not knowing what was coming next.
315 days ago, I left work for the last time until tomorrow.
In the 315 days, I have been surrounded and touched by so many people. Not literally because that would be creepy but wow, I have been, and continue to be, so loved by the amazing people in my life.
Obviously, Sam has been there each and every day.
Every appointment from diagnosis, he was there.
Sam held my hand every step of the way. He let me cry when I was sad, let me hide when I didn’t want to face the world, made me laugh with is funny songs on the way to chemotherapy, made me amazing breakfasts, lunches and dinners constantly.
Sam made me see that the scar from my full mastectomy was not ugly, it was what saved my life.
How do I thank a man that fought with me to stay alive.
Today I cried. Not for me but the man who has had to endure this pain, suffering, sickness and heartache with me and beside me for 315 days. The man who accepted the situation and took control, standing by me and, holding my hand.
It is because of Sam that the fight was easier than I expected. He was always there to make sure my tablets were taken, food was eaten, water was consumed regularly.
It is because of Sam I didn’t have to worry about getting sick from anyone else. Sam ensured no sick people entered the house and when he became sick, he slept in the spare room.
Never in my life have I felt the love of a man as I do with Sam.
Sam accepted my mastectomy, hair loss, financial loss, tiredness, anger, sadness, stubbornness and sickness with ease. Nothing was ever too much for him. I would moan and carry on when he woke me after chemotherapy to ensure I ate my breakfast and took my medication. I would beg to let me sleep more when he wanted to change the linen ensuring I had fresh sheets and pyjamas.
He didn’t care that I went out and about with no hats, leaving my bald head nude for the world to see. In fact, he encouraged it knowing the heat from hats and wigs would drive me bananas. He didn’t care if I had to go bra-less due to burns and discomfort from radiation. In fact, he encouraged it knowing the healing would be faster without the irritation of the bra straps.
Sam didn’t complain when I lost my positivity and would let me cry, sulk and talk shit. He would wait knowing that my bright outlook would be back soon enough.
Not once did Sam tell me to ‘snap out of it’ or to ‘get over it’. He let me be me but knew when it was time to do something stupid to have me rolling around in fits of laughter.
Today I am recalling every smile, laugh, story, song, joke and cuddle Sam has given me and continues to give me.
At the end of the day, I almost loose my breath with the love I feel from Sam. He holds me with so much love and protection that I often haven’t a care in the world while in his arms.
Today is my last day of being on sick leave from work and I am a different person to who I was 315 days ago. Today I love more, listen more, appreciate more and see more.
I trust in the love I have from Sam. I am excited about our future and know, that no matter what happens, the love from Sam will never falter.
There is still a way to go with the ‘maintenance’ of the ensuring Stage 3 Breast Cancer that tried to stop my world doesn’t return, but with the strength and love I have surrounding me, I know I’ll be ok.
The journey will never be over, I’ll just change direction once in a while but one thing is for sure, I’ll never go backwards.
So, I say thank you to the man who never reads my blogs 🙂
Thank you for saving my life Sam xx