When I was younger, I was amazing. I was gorgeous. No one could resist me. Just ask the younger me and that is what she would say. I was blonde, very thin and naive. I was dopey which, apparently guys loved as much as a slim waist.
Obviously as one grows older, they grow outter (larger) sometimes, wrinklier, fatter etc.
Me? Well, I never thought I would be anything other than amazing. I really wasn’t even that amazing but at the time? Well, I thought I was amazing and that is all that matters.
Today, a friend of Dr Hands came to the door but I thought he was a local council worker and answered the door. He asked if Sam was home and looked at me as though he knew me. I felt disgusting. Seriously. I have a fluff of hair on either side of my head with nothing in the middle like an old man. I have two large sores on my face from disgusting pimples that could not be hidden even if I were a super model. I have no eye lashes or eye brows. Tears running from my eyes.
It is now that I feel disgusting. I feel like a cancer patient. Previously I have been proud of my bald head and face showing that I am going to be a survivor of breast cancer. That I was too proud to cover up……. I didn’t care that I had not one hair on my body and the tears that streamed down my face were chemotherapy related and the sores on my face and arms were from what ever caused them to chemo not allowing them to heal.
Today, after Dr Hands friend left I almost put a spot light on his face asking him a series of questions like – Did your friend know I was sick or does he think I choose to look this way?
Poor Dr Hands, who was actually pleased to have a visitor was like a deer in the headlights saying yes honey, he knows you are sick and that no, you do not choose to look that way.
Over the years, I have gone from a size 8 to a size None of your Business but big. I have had excuses or hand waves for this but now, I feel vain. I feel so effin ugly that it isn’t even funny now.
I dont want sympathy or confirmation that I am a great person etc but shit, this really sucks.
I remember on one of my birthdays that an Aunt said to me, “you do not appreciate your looks or figure” and man, she was right. I didn’t appreciate my looks or figure but I sure do now…..
No, I do not want to be supermodel gorgeous but this is not what I expected my later life to be.
How many of us have had a wonderful teenage and mid twenties look that we though would never end? Well, as my wonderful Aunt said, you do not appreciate your looks or figure” – maybe we should appreciate our good looks, health, energy and sex drive while we have it 🙂
I shall now inundate you with prettier photos of me than today 🙂
Ok. so that last photo of Sam and I isn’t exactly pretty but it does remind me that I thought I was pretty, amazing and what not but today, that is not the situation.
Today I have an old mans head. Hair on the left. Hair on the right. Nothing in the middle. Three bright red pimple spots (sores do not heal fast with chemo/cancer treatment).
ANYHOO — I just want everyone to know (if you give a hooot) that I haven’t blogged recently for two reasons.
1 – A very special person who I love very deeply has been diagnosed with cancer. We haven’t an answer how bad or rampant it is but it has stopped me in my tracks. I love you girl and I wait for each and every result. This is not my story to tell but just know, I think of you each and every day and wish I could hug you until you were all better
2 – I have been feeling a bit out of sorts myself not just because of above but because there is still so much more to do. Yes, my chemo is finished and everyone thinks I should be shouting it from the rooftops and I get this. But, I have 8 months worth of herceptin left to go and 33 treatments of of radiation therapy. It isn’t over for me and I do not feel the joy that those do that post all of those wonderful pics of themselves with placards of last chemo treatment etc. Don’t get me wrong, I am totally all for those women who post those pics of their last chemo etc. It is just not me. I have too much more I have to do before I can celebrate. I have herceptin and surgery and radiation etc.
Anyhoo, Today, enjoy every single minute of it. Are you at work? Enjoy and embrace the fact you have a job. Can you see sunshine? Rain? Thunderstorms? Be happy you can see the weather. Have no hair to brush? Feel off your food? Constipated? Hemorrhoids? Diarrhea? Cry! Yell. Scream. You are alive to feel and live these things. I am not terminal and that, that, makes me smile through all of the pain, the torture, the agony.
Smile.
My two besties Tracey and Nicole
My gorgeous girls – Accalia my daughter and Stacey her gorgeous girlfriend xx
See the way this ‘bitch’ looks at me when she is with Sam? Yeah, Well, Kelly (the bitch) and I are besties now hehe. This photo was from when I first moved in with Sam. Look at her unimpressed face… hehhe i totally love this photo
An Unscheduled Journey 
I have had my moments when I think back on how different I was compared to today. Of course the biggest difference is having been diagnosed with cancer, which I never thought could happen to me at the age of 32. I also miss my denial. I am too aware of mortality now and in a way, it takes away some level of freedom from me. But like you mentioned, we are alive. It’s something to be grateful for, to be able to experience all the emotions that life inspires.
Good luck with the rest of your treatments. You are almost there! xx
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Yes, cancer treatment, from the surgeries to the chemo and radiation really mess with your appearance. My hair is growing back (I actually just got my first hair cut) but with my reconstruction still in my future and full on lymphedema and weight that is hard to maintain (do I even have time to maintain it?) I couldn’t feel less beautiful. It’s hard. It’s so, so hard. I don’t have a fix. I won’t try to make you feel better. Just know that I’ve been there. I am there.
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Funny you mention the lack of joy at the last chemo, as I felt the same way. It was more like “one thing down, more shit to go”! I still had radiation, then followed by at least 5 years of hormone blockers. Five. years. So no, for most of us, it doesn’t end with chemo.
Also funny that appearance is now more important to you — I felt the same! The weepy eyes and nose, the no hair etc, didn’t bother me during chemo, but as soon as chemo stopped, I wanted to look like me again, not “sick me”.
The good news is that things improve fairly quickly, I found. The eyes improved. The hair is now long enough to style even — only 4 months post chemo and I look like me. I even found it fairly easy to lose weight.
More good news is that radiation doesn’t affect your looks. I did get a burn on my collarbone, but nothing serious or long lasting.
So, in short, you have every right to be fed up! If possible, maybe try to look for the little improvements that are starting to come your way. The hair growing, the eyes improving. It’s maddeningly slow, but real. Xx
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Another interesting emotion post chemo to report. I went from suffering side effects fairly cheerfully, because I was just glad to be fighting the cancer, to being highly pissed off with the chemo after effects! When chemo finished, it pissed me off to have ANY after effects, didn’t seem fair to me! Like cancer is ‘fair’, right?
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