My Life of Contradiction

Be Advised – This is directed at no particular person but me…

I have read so many blogs and articles where people have stopped or delayed chemo because their body just simply couldn’t cope with the pressure of chemo. I totally get this.

This Thursday will be my 8th and final (fingers crossed) chemo session and bring it on I say. I have had enough. My energy and enthusiasm has gone. Not a great deal excites me. Not a lot makes me happy but having said that, not a lot makes me sad. I just feel like a jelly fish going through the motions.

Chemo is tough. Not everyone agrees with chemo and thats ok. But I agree with it. I have read and today even heard about people who have stopped chemo half way through because it was too tough for their body and mind. I totally get this but for me,  I was never going to give up.

I have an amazing daughter who may not need me but I want to be around for her. A gorgeous and amazing fiancee and his family that I do not want to leave, then of course my amazing fur babies and all of my neighbours and friends etc. I will do everything I possibly can, regardless if people agree or not, to keep myself alive and live a long and amazing life.

The story I heard today was of a man who started chemo but found it really tough (and I totally get this because chemo really does suck) but within no time at all, had cancer again.

To those who do get cancer and decide to not go the chemo and or radiotherapy route – thats great but, let those who DO want to take this route do it and do it without guilt.

These last two weeks have been really tough on me and I wonder if I will regret this post tomorrow because my emotions are high, energy is low, tolerance is low etc.

I should be absolutely delighted that I have only 1 more chemo session left and that is this Thursday but I am not delighted. I am tired. I am exhausted. I have had enough of feeling like shit, having no energy, listening to bullshit from ‘friends and family’ about what they think are major issues in their lives that makes me want to smash my head against the wall etc.

What I am greatfull for are the family members and of course, Dr Hands, telling me it is all ok. Agreeing that some of these people are worthy of bashing my head against the wall. They love and accept me and understand that whilst my cancer diagnosis was six months ago, it is still alive and well today. Yes, it has been cut out but it doesn’t end with surgery, there is such a long journey that goes with cancer.

It isn’t a headache where I can take a tablet but complain it is still there two days later.

It isn’t a flu that has me in bed for a week.

It is effing Cancer.

On the plus side, my bum fluff on my head is starting to look like hair and even though Dr Hands swears it is totally grey, it is totally platinum blonde.

Another plus, last chemo this week means that in a few weeks, I will hopefully start to feel some energy start to come back into my body, some happiness, tolerance, positivity and everything else I used to have.

But right now, I shall wallow in my self pity because shit, I think I have earnt this. I am usually very positive and happy and looking at the brighter side of life but not only does cancer, chemo, medication, people with no idea can really bring you down. I do love that when I burst into tears for absolutely no reason that Dr Hands was on board to give me the hug I needed and just made it all that little bit better.

Nope, I am not looking for pity or anything like that, I think this post is more to remind me that even though I was pretty light hearted and positive through this cancer journey, there were some pretty crappy people and days through it.

My highlights of the past two weekends were as follows

  • Clare falling asleep/passing out on our sofa after a big night to brighten her up during her bad times
  • Mum coming up this weekend (as she has done most weekends since I have had cancer/chemo) and bringing some beautiful flowers from her garden and books from her neighbour
  • Seeing all of the lovely spring growth on all of the plants and trees in our newish garden
  • A wonderful visit from Mandy and Josie from work with a gorgeous bunch of flowers and a delish bottle of my favourite bubbles Trilogy

Sorry for the downer of a blog tonight. I feel ok but down. I feel lucky but angry. I am cold but can’t be bothered getting a jumper. This is my life hehe. Such a muddle of crap but I am grateful that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Once I get through this Thursdays chemo, I will be ‘down’ for two weeks I imagine (that is the norm, sleep for a week or more after chemo and take a lot of pain killers) and then, I get four weeks off. No medicals, no blood tests, no doctors, no nothing.

I am hoping I can have a BBQ/Get together for my amazing and wonderful cousins  to thank them for all of their assistance through my chemo crap. Remember, they hired a cleaner for me each fortnight? Oh, I haven’t told you, my Mum has now taken over the cost of the cleaner which I was very cross about but OMG it is such a helpful thing in our lives.

Um, I think thats about it for this week. I am trying to calm myself, let the anger of things that annoy me go, look at the gorgeous new growth of our garden, play with my amazing Brady and Kelly and remember, I am cancer free and after this chemo this week, I get a four or five week break before radiotherapy.

Here, I give you two beautiful photos of our Kelly Belly. Sadly, my daughters father lost his staffy Crash Bang a couple of days ago and I can’t imagine the pain and suffering they are going through with this loss.

IMG_0013 IMG_0020

I can’t forget Brady, so here is an old piccie of my old boy (7 and a half year old now)

Uniden Digital Camera
8 weeks old
Uniden Digital Camera
12 weeks old

IMG_0511

12 thoughts on “My Life of Contradiction

  1. Hi Amanda. express yourself as you please. take your chemo as you please; that is my motto. Reading your post made me remember two women I know. one did not have the chemo after surgery (as a physician decided she did not need it even though she was recommended to), who years later developed recurrence, and the second woman, who was advised by the first woman to get the chemo so that she could have a reduced risk of recurrence. The second one is doing well so far, although she admitted she hated getting the chemo and she was only convinced to undergo chemo by the experience of the first woman. I never had chemo so I cannot understand what it does to the patient so well, but I want you to know that I am happy for you not dropping it and being so close to complete it. Think about all the wonderful things that will come after this one last chemo. wishing a wonderful BBQ with loved ones and many other joyous events 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I second what lifeasIinterpret is saying. I have just finished 8 rounds of chemo spread over almost 6 months. I did suffer with it, and am totally glad it is finished. Amanda, mine finished about 3 weeks ago and I’ve been getting better and better every day. I’m even well enough to go on a holiday, stop thinking of myself as a cancer patient for a little while and think of myself as a person who can have enthusiasm for life and enjoy some of the simple things. All the best to you, Phil

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Phil – I can’t wait until I feel and think of myself as a person again who works, pays a mortgage, gardens, has energy instead of just being a cancer patient. Thank you for your words of encouragement and joy. xx

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      1. Great Amanda. We are flying to Adelaide this arvo for a weeks holiday. I see the weather looks beautiful there. Cheers and the future will be brighter by the day. I find that each day I have a little bit of improvement, altho sometimes it’s a bit like 2 steps forward and one step backward. Keep up the good cheer. Phil

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Only someone who has had chemo can understand why you’d consider stopping, imho. I think we all consider it, because you just get soooooo tired of feeling either shit or nothing all the time. My biggest fear was that if I stopped, and it recurred or spread, I would so regret not toughing it out.

    I remember thinking I’d be so excited finishing chemo, but felt pretty much…nothing. I still had radiation to go, sure, but I think the chemo drugs just depress everything in your body, so that your “excitement bug” just doesn’t come out to play as it used to!

    You will feel relieved when you walk out of that infusion room, but only when you start to feel more like you will you realise that the drugs are truly over with. I started to feel better quite quickly, hope you do, too! And that month with no treatment is pretty great! Xx

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    1. Ah you see, that is exactly how I feel. I still have so much further to go with radiation, further surgery, herceptin etc but you are right in the fact that there was a little bit of excitement walking out of oncology knowing that the next time I walk in there, it was for herceptin only and NO chemo 🙂

      Thank you for your kind words and understanding 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Radiation isn’t too bad, it just gets so tedious because you have to go every day! We would drive an hour to the hospital, have 20 minutes in radiology, then an hour home. I didn’t have any discomfort at all, just had a bit of sunburn type feeling on my neck where they zapped the lymph nodes in my chest and above my collar bone. I didn’t have herceptin, but a friend says it’s a breeze compared to all the rest! xx

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