Fed Up

Big of a whinge moment. I feel I have done nothing but sleep this week which would ordinarily be my favourite thing except there were things I wanted to do. One being, attending Hugo’s 1st Birthday party with Brady Bailey-Wilkinson.

Dr Hands advised last night that today’s party would be a non event for me and I was like a toddler having a tantrum saying I would be fine and, dont assume how I am going to feel blah blah….

This is Huge and Brady…….. A wee bit of a size difference but could totally have enjoyed a birthday party today 😦

The shit head was right. I was crap. I slept from about 3ish yesterday arvo until 9:30 this morning. The day before was much the same. I always have a positive attitude that i’ll feel amazing the next day but it doesn’t always happen. That doesn’t let Dr Hands off the hook for being able to tell by looking at me how I am going to feel but geez, he is right more often than not.

I am also glad to mention he does not read my blog. He does not want to communicate through my blog and often I used to say, oh, did you see my blog where I talked about blah blah and his response was often ‘Bailey Boop, I do not read your blog and if you have something to say to me, say it to me’. When did he get all grown up??

So, This morning I woke up like crap just as he predicted. Had I even been in the position to give this wonderful man children, he would have made a great daddy but today and tomorrow, he is my carer and lover as I battle through my breast cancer and chemotherapy and then radio….

What was my point here….?

Oh, Fed UP. Fed up with feeling like shit. I was really surprised after the previous chemo, being number 3, and I felt great after it. I was pumped and energised for quite a few days, even managing a lunch with fabulous people recieving a suprise fundraiser of money in a large jar and such. The last three days? Shit. Absolute shit.

While I lay in bed on Thursday I had all of my arguments ready for Dr Hands. He always asks about food and water. I am not a bloody horse you know but I play along all the same because he loves me and such but, it turns out, I wasn’t even awake long enough for him to ask me the questions. Hang on, I think that was Friday not Thursday. Thursday I had some crackers and cheese. Yeah, that’s right and Friday, nothing. Yay for weight loss. Boo for listening to Dr Hands on Saturday about the effects of not eating and not getting nutrition etc……. He can really be quite boring.

What I did love about today is Dr Hands asking how I am going. Out of no where. I had been to the doctors for my shopping list being

Motilium – Anti Nausea

Tremodol – Pain Relief/Headache Relief

Diazapam – Sleeping Tablets

Why do I need the valium? Well, I can be so very tired but so wound up that sleep is beyond me so the valium (very low dose so I take double the amount) helps me to relax and stop stressing and sleep. And once I sleep, I’ll see ya in three days….

I hate that I have had to cancel two events these last two days. I really wanted to go to Hugo’s first birthday. That would have totally been a hoot but stupid cancer/chemo and Dr Hands prevented all that but I will imagine the joy that Brady and I would have received from the fun of it.

Hopefully tomorrow, I’ll have an amazing and energised post.

Let me give you three amazing things for the week

1. An amazing package filled with a pile of knitting from Gilda who even put my nickname to her ‘bailes’ on one of the huuuge squares. I am thinking I might make Gilda’s mountain of squares into a cuddle cushion….

2. A lovely package, words, squares and book from great friend Chantelle to remind me life is great. Friends area amazing and nothing gets past a great book

3. Dr Hands asking how I am going. Yes, we live day in day out but he stopped the world to ask me how I am going with a missing boob, with the scar, with the journey….. My man isn’t much of a talker and I dont shut up so for him to ask me, deep down and honestly want to know, meant so much. and yeah. I will admit, that missing boob, that huge scar, can sometimes hit me like a brick to my bald head.

Oh, Dr Hands also bought me the prettiest of flowers today and I was so happy but boy, they smell like horse wee….. Maybe that is what is making my eyes water but I’ll let Dr Hands believe it is the combustion fire making my eyes water hehe

If you have managed to read this far, let me tell you that my underarm hairs have gone. They are chemo’d out of my life. Leg hairs… well, there are a couple but nothing worth getting the razor out for. Right eyebrow is hanging in there but looking very sad as far as eyebrows goes and my chin hair hasn’t come back.

Lady Land is almost bare!! The forest of dreams is almost as smooth as a babies bum. Almost!!