Can’t Sleep!

At 7:15pm I went to bed. I read my Game of Thrones book number 2 and was hot. On went the ceiling fan.

8pm, I’m up at cold. On goes the ducted heating and I am now warm. Kelly is sleeping on MY sofa and I have another glass of bubbles. I am wondering why I am up and awake because at 7:15, I was so tired, sick to my stomach (remember that stomach virus I have?) and boiling hot and now I am freezing, wide awake and needing some bubbles. FYI – Bubbles are non french champagne which I think we now have to call Sparkling Wine.

Now, at 10:20pm, I have emailed my bosses with the reality that my six months leave could now be between 12 and 15 months leave. I hated having to send that email because I wanted to do it person to persons. The shitty thing with that is I have a great day, where I am feeling good and energised but tomorrow, that might not be the case.

I have had days where I have felt incredible, missed work, life and living. Then the following day, I could be shit. Stuck in bed, even unable to get unable to get up and even tell big white dog Brady to shut up his barking. I can be almost comotosed and unresponsive. I hate that I can’t predict or plan things.

Today I felt A OK when I woke but the time Spanna came (the cleaner hired by my gorgeous and amazing family) arrived, I felt nauseas, dizzy and headachey. There is no predicting how I am going to feel day to day and I really bloody hate that.

Now, at 10:24pm, I am wide awake, mind running a million miles an hour.

Here are my thoughts tonight

*  Is my job safe

* Will I feel great tomorrow

* Is that tingling feeling in my cheeks an upcoming blister thing?

* Will I be able to sleep in the next few hours

* Are my shoulders just tight from stress, chemo or something else?

I hate the nights I can’t sleep. I really super duper dislike nausea. I absolutely love that families come together in times of need. I enjoy hearing bitchy witchy Kelly snoring on the sofa while I sit here with a spinny head and nauseas stomach. She cares not for me but only for the sofa and I love that about her.

My feelings today are

Television really sucks. There is rarely anything on this square thing that I enjoy. It is shit. shit shit sit.



Blurred Vision


PS: I still have some prickles left on my head which really piss me off. Give me all or nothing. I have shadows on my head. The front part of my head is almost bald and shiny. Seriously, I am not bullshitting, because, when I walk into the ensuite, I see the reflection of the lights off my head. But the back part still has prickles and they really piss me off.

PSS: That chin hair hasn’t resurfaced. AAAAAhhhhh in your face chin hair! Nothing beats Chemo you MOFO!!

I have no other photo than another random one of my boy Brady xx


4 thoughts on “Can’t Sleep!

  1. I am sorry you can’t sleep. I had those nights too, usually it would be an effect from the steroids. They are awful! I hope you get to rest again soon.

    I often wondered about a lot of things during my chemo treatments. Thoughts tend to be all over the place, especially when there isn’t much to do. Or you can’t go outside because you are feeling crappy.

    I am glad you have your companions with you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I made up for it today by sleeping the entire day. I got up at about 6ish tonight. It is now midnight and I am ready to go back to bed. I guess I have to let go of the fact that my sleeping patterns dont have any consistency anymore….
      I am glad my dogs are with me too 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Amanda, yes it could b the steroids that seem to be part of the chemo cocktail. Its not really much of a fun ride is it? I have been off work now for 11 months and still no end in sight. Makes me realise how serious this sickness is. I also wonder if I’ll even want to go back to work as my life n priorities seem to be changing quickly. All t best with it, Phil


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