Me and My Enemy.

Have I mentioned I suffer anxiety and panic disorder? It is ‘controlled’ by medication but it will never be ‘cured’ unless I face it head on (according to my awesome Dr Sunita).

The issue with curing it is finding a shrink that I actually like… but that is a whole other story so i’ll leave that for later.

In the mean time, anxiety is now popping back into my life on a regular basis and I HATE it. Like, seriously HATE it. I dont use the word ‘hate’ often but with this shit crap illness called anxiety and panic disorder, hate comes up a lot.

The thing is, I have been medicated for years to keep it at bay and haven’t thought much of it until this Cancer bizzo. Since this word cancer has popped into my life, so has the anxiety and panic disorder and the medication doesn’t seem to ‘suppress’ it as it used to.

I am a pretty relaxed, easy going, take it as it comes, kinda person with or without the medication. So, to have this crap come back into my life, not being able to sail my way through it, really pisses me off a lot.

Here is how dopey I am. Way back when the anxiety first started, I’d never heard of such a thing and assumed I was ‘allergic’ to large malls and supermarket air-conditioning because, I felt fine until I went into these places. No, I was not a youngin’ with no experience in life. I was a mum of a almost one year old, making me about 22 years old.

It wasn’t until my hairdresser, a few years later, who I often booked and cancelled and booked again, then huffed and puffed through the appointment, pointed out that it seemed I really suffered anxiety disorder. I had absolutely no idea what she was talking but all the ‘feelings’ she discussed were exactly as my ‘allergies’ to the air-conditioners.

The tightness of my chest, difficulty breathing, thinking I was going to faint/pass out, fevers, dizziness, nausea, did I mention the tightness of my chest? It is horrible. Unless you have been there, there is no way you can understand the intense feelings. There was often no way of talking my way out of these feelings. I would often think I was going to die, right there and then. Or vomit, right there at the deli counter at Coles. Faint, at the entrance of a large shopping mall.

The one thing that helped. The once question asked of me from a doctor was ‘What do you think is the absolute worst thing that will happen’ and my answer was ‘I will faint’. She advised me that the body is so amazing that if I did faint, it would be due to lack of oxygen (holding my breath) and that fainting would then put my body into a relaxed state enough to start oxygenating itself naturally again.

Of course, me being me, said that it wasn’t so much the fainting that bothered me but what if I wet myself, like ewe! Now, who gives a hoot if I faint and wet myself. That doesn’t worry me anymore and thankfully, am no longer ‘allergic’ to shopping centers or malls.

I booked into a doctor and discussed this information and yep, she/he (no, I can’t remember) prescribed anti depressants and off I went. Twenty years later, having been on and off medication, I am still suffering it seems. But, I am on the medication now so how is the anxiety sneaking through?

Who knows but what I do know is that I hate it. Tonight it is especially bad.

Crisis averted. One of the ‘Real Housewives of Meadows’ popped over (approx 11pm ish) and a few more glasses of bubbles later and all is good.

Anyway though, I just want to say that I would hate hate hate for anyone to say to me, oh the anxiety and/or panic disorder would be normal in my current condition. Well no, I do not accept that. Cancer, death, cold winters, short of money, they can all cause an anxiety issue and I will not accept that anxiety will be more prominent in my life while dealing with the Breast Cancer issue and Chemo and peoples opinions and reduced income and sickness and worry etc. I want anxiety gone from my life now. I have had my time and that should now be up.

I think I will look more into resolving and getting over this anxiety bizzo in the coming week. Now, being almost 1am on a Friday night/Saturday Morning is not the time to find a ‘cure’ for me.

What I am thankful off is Sam. I can walk up to Sam at anytime, day or night, busy or lazy, and tell him that today, today is not a good day and the anxiety is taking a hold and he will wrap me in his arms, kiss me gently and ask if he can do anything. The answer is always no but just that moment, that feeling of security is all I need for that time.

Well, that was all a bit full on tonight wasn’t it? Sorry for that outpouring of what ever it was. All done now 🙂

Uniden Digital Camera
Hugs and Kissses from Dr Hands xxx

6 thoughts on “Me and My Enemy.

  1. A friend of mine who has stage IV liver cancer, and is currently 5 years NED, said the only good thing to come out of her cancer experience is that she now doesn’t suffer panic attacks anymore! Nope, never, and she had it so bad that sometimes she couldn’t leave the house!

    I’m hoping you have this happy result too, but you never know. The mind is a wonderful thing, and we just don’t fully understand it! Anyway, hope your day improves, I’m thinking of you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I feel guilty complaining about ‘still’ suffering these attacks from time to time when in the big picture, I have my life, years of it to come, to be able to see my baby 22 year old daughter grow further into the woman she will be and to feel the love of my Sam and family etc. but seriously, I hate them Ann. I hope I follow in your friends footsteps and these anxiety and panic attacks leave me for good. That would be a lovely outcome to include in a long life 🙂 Guess I just had a crappy night after an amazing day xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I have struggled with anxiety nearly all of my life…as you know, there is no simple answer…and as you know…about the time you think you have it under control, you realize it has just changed faces and manifested itself another way. Healing and killing anxiety is a deep and dark path…I hope you can find a “shrink” to help you! I’ve been down this road for a long time but am finally getting out from under the tree cover to see the sparkling stars in the night sky!


    1. I am glad to hear you are getting out from under this horrible ‘illness’ to see the sparkling stars in the night sky. The night I wrote this post was a particularly bad night and I shouldn’t really complain too much because I really don’t suffer as much or even as bad as I used to. Wishing you all the lovely twinkling stars that you beat it quick smart 🙂


  3. Annie Goodsell

    Oh my darling girl, do I ever know where you’re coming from. And whoever it was that said it is quite right… it’s just that it takes sooooo much courage to face whatever it is that is holding you back… it takes months of soul-searching, and deep cognitive therapy to work out what “it” is … but when you are ready, you will start that journey. Maybe, just perhaps, one journey at a time? Lol! But whoever said that Miss Manda is a scaredy-cat? Said no-one… ever… !!! Mwah xxx


    1. I agree Annie, one thing at a time. It was just a really crappy night I guess. and no, I dont think anyone has ever called me a scaredy cat hehe. Mwah right back at you!


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