Have I mentioned I suffer anxiety and panic disorder? It is ‘controlled’ by medication but it will never be ‘cured’ unless I face it head on (according to my awesome Dr Sunita).
The issue with curing it is finding a shrink that I actually like… but that is a whole other story so i’ll leave that for later.
In the mean time, anxiety is now popping back into my life on a regular basis and I HATE it. Like, seriously HATE it. I dont use the word ‘hate’ often but with this shit crap illness called anxiety and panic disorder, hate comes up a lot.
The thing is, I have been medicated for years to keep it at bay and haven’t thought much of it until this Cancer bizzo. Since this word cancer has popped into my life, so has the anxiety and panic disorder and the medication doesn’t seem to ‘suppress’ it as it used to.
I am a pretty relaxed, easy going, take it as it comes, kinda person with or without the medication. So, to have this crap come back into my life, not being able to sail my way through it, really pisses me off a lot.
Here is how dopey I am. Way back when the anxiety first started, I’d never heard of such a thing and assumed I was ‘allergic’ to large malls and supermarket air-conditioning because, I felt fine until I went into these places. No, I was not a youngin’ with no experience in life. I was a mum of a almost one year old, making me about 22 years old.
It wasn’t until my hairdresser, a few years later, who I often booked and cancelled and booked again, then huffed and puffed through the appointment, pointed out that it seemed I really suffered anxiety disorder. I had absolutely no idea what she was talking but all the ‘feelings’ she discussed were exactly as my ‘allergies’ to the air-conditioners.
The tightness of my chest, difficulty breathing, thinking I was going to faint/pass out, fevers, dizziness, nausea, did I mention the tightness of my chest? It is horrible. Unless you have been there, there is no way you can understand the intense feelings. There was often no way of talking my way out of these feelings. I would often think I was going to die, right there and then. Or vomit, right there at the deli counter at Coles. Faint, at the entrance of a large shopping mall.
The one thing that helped. The once question asked of me from a doctor was ‘What do you think is the absolute worst thing that will happen’ and my answer was ‘I will faint’. She advised me that the body is so amazing that if I did faint, it would be due to lack of oxygen (holding my breath) and that fainting would then put my body into a relaxed state enough to start oxygenating itself naturally again.
Of course, me being me, said that it wasn’t so much the fainting that bothered me but what if I wet myself, like ewe! Now, who gives a hoot if I faint and wet myself. That doesn’t worry me anymore and thankfully, am no longer ‘allergic’ to shopping centers or malls.
I booked into a doctor and discussed this information and yep, she/he (no, I can’t remember) prescribed anti depressants and off I went. Twenty years later, having been on and off medication, I am still suffering it seems. But, I am on the medication now so how is the anxiety sneaking through?
Who knows but what I do know is that I hate it. Tonight it is especially bad.
Crisis averted. One of the ‘Real Housewives of Meadows’ popped over (approx 11pm ish) and a few more glasses of bubbles later and all is good.
Anyway though, I just want to say that I would hate hate hate for anyone to say to me, oh the anxiety and/or panic disorder would be normal in my current condition. Well no, I do not accept that. Cancer, death, cold winters, short of money, they can all cause an anxiety issue and I will not accept that anxiety will be more prominent in my life while dealing with the Breast Cancer issue and Chemo and peoples opinions and reduced income and sickness and worry etc. I want anxiety gone from my life now. I have had my time and that should now be up.
I think I will look more into resolving and getting over this anxiety bizzo in the coming week. Now, being almost 1am on a Friday night/Saturday Morning is not the time to find a ‘cure’ for me.
What I am thankful off is Sam. I can walk up to Sam at anytime, day or night, busy or lazy, and tell him that today, today is not a good day and the anxiety is taking a hold and he will wrap me in his arms, kiss me gently and ask if he can do anything. The answer is always no but just that moment, that feeling of security is all I need for that time.
Well, that was all a bit full on tonight wasn’t it? Sorry for that outpouring of what ever it was. All done now 🙂