The Straw ….

I’ve got cancer. Isn’t that enough to deal with in one year?

I’ll be honest right now. I have had a wee bit to drink. My preferred beverage is sparkling wine. It used to be known as champagne until the french said no, you can’t call it champagne unless it is from France but what ever, I am having bubbly stuff because boy, what a day.

When Sam (Dr Hands) and I built our beautiful home, I didn’t think life could get much better. We have a beautiful, brand new, super polished, enormous house built for a family of five (minimum) for the two of us. I kept thinking, this can’t be real, this cant be my life. Then, the day we got our keys, he got down on one knee and showed me he wanted to keep me in his life forever with a beautiful diamond engagement ring. Wow, I have the world!

The other amazing thing to have happened when we built our house was something from my inlaws. Sams mum and dad. Dad is not Sam’s sperm donor dad but has been Sam’s step father (I totally hate the step crap) for many years now so I think of them as mum and dad. They asked us to ensure we get income insurance. Being in the secure world of banking, I couldn’t see a need to be honest. My job was great. I work for a sensational bank and had recently been promoted. Sam, well, his job isn’t as secure as mine but in any case,  Sam and I both took out income insurance.

Who’d have known ‘we’ would need it so quickly.

This isn’t the reason for this post. This is a post I am writing but am not sure I will post. I will word it without any nasty words in case at the end of my drunken rant, I do hit the ‘publish’ button. But OMG, today has totally sucked.

Remember yesterday? I became bald. Sam and I had a ceremony to shave my head because the hair was coming out thick and fast. I hated the feel of the random hair on my arm, shoulder, face etc. Seeing a strand here and there on my keyboard was not enjoyable at all. So off it all came.

When I posted the blog and pics on facebook I was totally overwhelmed by the love, compassion and surprise even, of the comments left on my page. I know teenagers count on the ‘likes’ and ‘comments’ on facebook and it becomes ‘who they are’ but for me, well, it is a way to let my family and friends know whats going on. I think I blitzed any teenagers average likes from my bald head. I totally have an amazing group of people who support me and think I look A OK with no hair xx

I am so lucky and shall I say, gifted, to have so many family and friends who generally care about me. I can’t see a lot of my family regularly because I live 45 kilometers from the city, I never know when I am going to have a good day, they work, I sleep etc. I know my family and friends care. Remember the cousins booking a cleaner to look after me each fortnight for three months? My work buddies collecting so much money that there was a bag full of helpful PJ’s, shrugs, a beautiful glass house candle, vouchers and so much more, I am speechless with the people who have come forward to ‘help’ me through this cancer bizzo.

Then a bombshell comes along. Seriously, because stage 3 breast cancer isn’t enough. Losing a boob, facing six months of chemo, six months of radiotherapy and hormone crap isn’t enough. There is more.

He decides, oh, I know her (seeing me on someone elses facebook page) she is my daughter! Well, let me tell you Mr, I am NOT your daughter. I am my mums daughter. Thats it. There is no one else I am a daughter too. I am a daughter in law to my gorgeous and amazing soon to be in laws Sharon and Michael. But I am NOT your daughter and you have no right to call me that. My name is Amanda-Jayne Bailey. No where in that name do you appear.

This is how small South Australia is. I have an amazing set of neighbours across the road. As are the ones next door but today, we will focus on Nana and Poppy. Nana’s sister knows him. He, the sperm donor, recognised me from her face book and decided, oh, I should get in touch with her.

Um, well, you know I am in my mid forties right? You have had lots and lots of years to think of this. How is it that a picture, a photo, a facebook piece of crap is what it takes for you to remember, oh yeah thats right, I had a few kids way back when.

Well guess what shit head, you do not enter my head. You are nothing to me. Do not think for a moment my breast cancer, my fight for life is going to make me want to know you. You have had forty years to pop on by and say hi. You have had forty years to recognise me and my wonderful sister as your kids.

I have breast cancer and in my opinion, that is easier to deal with that hearing from my neighbours sister that you are kinda interested in getting to know me. Well, F*ck You. How about when I was healthy? How about when I gave birth to your grandchild? And dont even think she will want to know you because she has two amazing grandmothers, a great grandma, aunts and uncles all over the place and more love that you’ll ever know.

I love that my neighbour came to me with this news. It was hard for her. I could tell. My great neighbour who, nothing fazes was totally out of her comfort zone had to give me this news. Then I spoke to her equally amazing sister to discuss this. What really makes me angry is that Adelaide is so little. So small that you still didn’t ever, in all of these years, take the time to come find me. To better yourself and be a man. Still, you have to take the easy way out and get someone else to do your dirty work.

I really hope you read this and see the person you are. The person you have always been.

Well, I have a man in my life who is 110% better than you. My soon to be father in law loves me to bits and pieces. He has loved me and seen me cry and walked me through my breast cancer,my tough times being a mum, my joy with our new home etc. He has what you will never have. He has my love.

Leave me be. Let me love my man, my family, my in laws and more than anything, dont you ever, ever try to contact my daughter. She knows you from my sister and myself what you are like. We haven’t had to exaggerate.  She has no time for the person you are. Leave her be too, to love her partner Stacey, to be a big sister to her siblings and enjoy the love from genuine people.

Let me fight my cancer. Let me aim for the sky and get healthy, married, loved, smile and live.

Let me appologise to the people you have made uncomfortable and have made come to see me and pass on your bullshit message. Leave them be. Leave it all be. You do not belong in my life.

I do not need you, just like you dont need me. Do not converse about me at your ‘local’. I am not a part of your world. Let me go. Let me be.

I am a daughter to one person only, and that is my Mum. A woman you never deserved. A woman who gave you two wonderful daughters who you didn’t care for and daughters who now, do not count you as a part of their lives apart from being a sperm donor. That is all you are to me.

Be gone.

Tonight is the last night you will ever have the power to make me cry!

You do not belong in my life.

4 thoughts on “The Straw ….

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