I’m Alive

Just a quick post to let you know I am still alive and moving.

I am not going to go into great detail just yet because I am ready to go back to bed for a while but lets just say the internal spa treatmenet I had yesterday (commonly known as chemo) was a breeze. Seriously, it was fine. Lots of pretty coloured liquid squirted into me, pretty orange wee wee to follow and I was outta there.

It was a two hour session but with all that goes on and having Sam and Accalia there with me, it was out of there in no time.

Sam and I even decided to have a quick lunch at the pub on the way home and then I hit the sack. I was in bed at 3:30pm when we got home, work at 5:30pm for my daily mum call, woken at 8:30pm by Dr Hands (Sam) to take my temperature and demand I drink water and administer some panadol and that was that.

The excellent and amazing this about this chemo, and I hope it continues, are the dreams! They are better than any movie or book I have read. Lots of drama and excitement and yes, a wee bit of hanky panky.

I can’t say I am feeling all perky and lovely today but that alright, I can feel a bit pooey.

I am waiting for this particular drug the nurses called ‘dexis’ to kick in because apparently I am going to feel amazing and wonderful and everything will seem perfect. Apparently I’ll be on these dexis for two days ‘woop wooop’ party at my place and then I’ll go through withdrawals for two days, party is over on Sunday peeps.

The only thing I am really suffering from besides tireness is a slight headache.

I’ll tell you more later because now I have been fed and watered, I am going back to bed.

Thank you to everyone for the amazing and wonderful good wishes.

PS: I think I am going to have poop problems because there was a lot of talk about constipation and binding (that is a crap word hehe) but thanks to my night nurse, I have sachets to help that happen. I do NOT like NOT pooping.

Me and Dr hands 🙂

Back to bed for me xx

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Squares Make Me Happy

Remember how my Granny knitted me a square because I wanted a positive piece of my Granny to be with me through chemo. Well, it turns out my gorgeous daughter has also knitted me a square and I can’t wait to see it. She is going to bring it to chemo tomorrow to visit me and deliver the square. I was telling my mum over the phone during our nightly 5:30pm phone catch ups about these squares and said, I might collect enough squares that I can possibly make a rug out of.

How awesome would that be? (hint hint). Personally, I can’t knit but I do love the idea of squares coming along, unmatched but with their own specialness. Mum has agreed to make one too.

Accalia (daughter) has advised me hers has holes in it but really, who cares? She has made this square for me. Just like my Granny did and just like my mum is about to.

Yes, tomorrow is Spa Day commonly known as chemo. This will be the first of many and I want to thank everyone for their text messages, emails and blog messages of kindness and well wishes.

What concerns me is that I am not as worried as everyone else is expecting me to be. Does that make sense? I keep getting asked how I am coping and sending me best wishes which is all lovely and such but whilst I am not concerned about the Spa Therapy, people seem very confused that I am not.

Maybe I’ll be worried more so tomorrow than now because it is still a day away.

Here are my two girls, Kelly and Accalia.

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A visit to Granny

Today I felt like shit. Like, really yuck! I had to get up early because I had tradesmen due to be at my home between 8am and 12pm so I set my alarm, got up, showered, dressed, plugged door bell into the ensuite powerpoint, opened all the curtains and blinds and promptly went back to bed. Keep in mind that all of the windows have sheer curtains so I can see out but they can’t see in. I wanted the house to look as though I had been up for hours. Not entirely sure why I feel the importance of that but it is something I have always felt.

I hate tradies usually. I mean, they are great people and do a great job but I hate being given a four hour time frame as to when they’ll be there.

My idea of being dressed and ready and having the house looking like I’d been up for hours seemed genius to me (and my cousin Tam) and it bloody worked. One thing I didn’t bother with was putting Miss Fluff in. I put a bra on because bloody rightie is too big to be left unrestrained and blow me down with a feather, the tradies were HOT HOT HOT! Since when is a tradie hot? They are usually the older generation with lovely manners but not today. These boys were gorgeous and I should have been handing out my single friends and families phone numbers.

Tradies being hot of course is nothing to me because I have the man of my dreams but man, these guys were TV Commercial ready. Wow, who’d a thought you could get one hot tradesman let alone two??!

After they’d finished their job, I was still feeling really crappy and tired but I forced myself to jazz myself up a little more and took the drive to go and see my Granny. Remember Gran? The one I asked to knit me a square for my chemo good luck charm to be faced with a million questions? Yep, thats the one. Went to visit her and she made me laugh and I did feel better for seeing her.  I really loved her comment being that I looked great and it didn’t look like I had recently had surgery. I didn’t want to frighten her by lifting up my t-shirt and showing her how recent surgery really did look hehe. She is just gorgeous though. We talked of many things as one does with Grannys and I just loved seeing her.  This is a photo of my gran from geez, I recon about 30 or more years ago but trust me, she looks no different but boy she is shrinking. I could almost put her in my pocket and bring her home. She’d be like a pocket granny. How cool would that be?

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Although I still felt crap by the time I got home, I am so glad I went to visit her because as we all know, my internal spa therapy (chemo) starts on Thursday arvo so I have been trying to get some jobs and visits done before this starts. How do you prepare for the unknown though?

I have been a bit snappy and Dr Hands said to me tonight that it is ok to blog about being scared of the internal spa therapy and you know what? I am not scared of it but I hate that I don’t know what it is going to be like for ME. I do love that people have told me that for them it has been ok or they’ve only had a bit of tiredness or nausea but how can I plan my life around the unknown? How do I know that I am going to be ok and be able to catch up with friends on the weekend? How do I know what I am going to feel like to eat or drink or do.

These are the things that give me the shits and make me snappy and cranky. Thankfully, my lovely bubbles have worked wonders in suppressing said feelings of the night time but they just dont work well with my morning gluten free weet bix.

I thought I had something funny happen today to tell you but for the life of me, I can’t remember so I will just leave you with my words of wisdom for the early morning tradies and how to sleep until they ring that door bell.

Thats it for me tonight. I am going to bed early (9:02pm) because I want to try and tackle some more of my George Orwells 1984 and get a decent night sleep.

I am still happy, feeling confident of a long, happy and healthy life so please dont take these recent shitty days as a pattern. Once my internal spa therapy starts, at least I’ll know what I will be in for during the next six months. xx

Dont Pity Me! (but please admire me…)

Argh, I am having one of those bullshit nights where I do not know what the hell it is I want. And, I have the hiccups. Man I hate those things.

Anyway, I was super tired at about 6:30pm tonight and was totally ready for an early night but because my chemo is due this week and because I love sparkling wine, I decided on a few drinks tonight. So, bottleshop lady convinces me on buying a brand where i can get three bottles for $20.00. Hell yeah I say, bring em on.

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She asks me what I am celebrating and I tell her, my first lot of chemo starts on Thursday (today is Monday) and why not guzzle up until chemo? She says to me “geez, you are looking and sounding great considering what you are about to endure, or is that just a front?” Wow! This is the first person (beside my gorgeous sister who called me a liar when I said I wasn’t worried about chemo) so I say to my Sip N Save lady, nope, no front, just love bubbles and yes, chemo due Thursday which is a part of the chemo journey and you know what? I actually saw a bit of pride in her eyes. No pity, no sadness but only admiration/

She’d said to me she’d had a lump about 30 years ago just before she was due to be married and had a lumpectomy and was worried, soon to be husband, would not go through with the marriage due to the partial mastectomy. I said to her that I had the same shit going through my head with a man 11 years my youth who was about to be engaged to a woman with one boob (which has already been cut away and thrown in the bin), hairless, overweight, lethargic, and quite possibly toothless woman as his soon to be bride. I do think she tried not to laugh at the image but she just got me! She understood exactly what I was talking about and we had quite the giggle.

Seriously though, I loved that she asked if I looked and seemed as good as I portrayed  or if it was all a front. I told her that wow, thank you for being so upfront and honest with your question but in all honesty, it was what it was. I had not the energy or fakeness to be anything but what it was. I wasn’t afraid of cancer, nor losing (hairy) leftie, chemo, losing my hair or being tired and lethargic…. I was scared of the nausea and that was it. It felt great for someone to ask me if I was putting on a front. I loved that someone was just like me, giving me the opportunity to be ‘real’ but thankfully, I was being real and honest. I am who I am.

Here is a bit of the real part of me that may turn some of my ‘blogger mates’ to unfriend or stop following me but, yes, I do want to be the one when people talk in the village about me. I WANT to be talked and gossipped about. I want people saying, ‘You know that lady who walks the big white dog? Well, She is fighting breast cancer”. “The lady with the big dog has  breast cancer”! It is to be for the next woman in the community who finds out they have breast cancer can say to themselves, wow, that lady with the big white dog had breast cancer and she looks A OK. She walked her dog, she drank bubbles, she laughed and wore crazy coloured turbans and scarfs and beat breast cancer.

Thankfully in todays world, breast cancer is one of the cancers you want to have (out off the many options) because it is beatable. So I might walk my big white dog around Meadows with my funny looking headband (soon to be multicolored scarf) and coping with chemo (internal spa therapy) but still dealing with life. Loving life. It is no longer the death sentence it once was. I want to bring to my Meadows community a sense of Cancer not being a death sentence, it is a deterrent to stop us working for a while but we will get through it. I want to be there for these women. I am incredibly lucky to have women around me that let my right boob hang around,  blowing in the breeze and after all this, I want to be one of these woman for the next one who has to deal with one boob in the bin and one boob swinging in the breeze!

We have an amazing community in Meadows South Australia that gives us HUGS as we walk by. We are all here at hear your story and help where we can. If you are new to the area, pop out and say hi as we all walk our dogs past your house. Cancer really does suck, and even though we are lucky these days with treatment, we still need our neighbours. Do not be shy or afraid to say hi, do not be afraid to tell us your story.

My internal spa therapy (chemo) starts on Thursday

and already, I feel the love of the neighbourhood, friends and family. Take it. Hug it. Enjoy it.

I am not an overly huggy schnuggy person but having cancer has bought me a little closer, a little huggier than usual.

Tell the world what is going on. My Sip n Save friend had a lovely chat, she showed me the current ‘bulk buy’ and on I went on my way. Yep, have had a wee few of those suggested recommendations from my Sip N Save friend and feeling better than I was.

Friends, neighbours and support wont come knocking on your door, but when you meet them, be honest, open, take their sparkling wine suggestions and get on  🙂

Cancer isn’t a great thing to go through but you know what…. if we had what we had twenty years ago, it was possibly a death sentence. Today, it is a ‘glitch’ and once we are done, we’ll get back to ordinary life. WE are in a good place 🙂

Drink them bubbles and give me a call or message if you need a pick me up 🙂

Miss Fluff takes the night off

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So, last night Dr Hands and I were invited to a lovely dinner party at the neighbours house and not only was I still hungover from the night before, I was also very tender in the bomb site from the boobectimy. The thought of putting Miss Fluff into the bra making me look like I had two boobs and having that on for the entire night, was not something I really wanted to deal with so I took a couple of panadol and took Miss Fluff out of my bra. Pheeeeeeeeyeeeeew! That felt amazing. I wore my special bra with the pockets but with nothing in the pockets! It meant that rightie wasn’t swinging around annoying me and getting my my way and my leftie wound didn’t have the pressure from Miss Fluff.

Dont get me wrong though, I adore Miss Fluff and she is as light as a feather really but every so often, my wound is sore and having the pressure from my bra which feels so much tighter with her in it just doesn’t work for me. So, I went out without Miss Fluff.

Once I had gotten ready for the night I asked Dr Hands if he could tell I wasn’t wearing Miss Fluff and he goes on about these people being our friends and they know what I have been through blah blah blah so I double checked myself in the mirror. I thought I’d dressed so well that you could barely even tell I was a one boober. I was so impressed that I asked Dr Hands to take a photo of me so I could show off to all of you how well I had done. So there you are, You can barely even tell!

As soon as we’d gotten to the dinner party, out I blurted, forgive my lack of Miss Fluff, was in too much pain for her tonight. So after all that work and effort to look like I had two beauties under my top, it was all for nothing because I am such a blabber mouth. Oh and get this, the ladies at the party (who Dr Hands refers to us as the Real Housewives of Meadows) claim to have NEVER had a boob hair. Whateva!

 

 

The Unichable Itch

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How weird is the title? Well, imagine what it says. You have an itch, mine is under my left arm where my left boob has been removed.

When I try to itch it, I can’t feel myself itching it. The itch remains itchy even while I try to itch it! It is a funny, annoying and unless you have lived it, quite hard to make someone understand exactly what I mean.

And itch, wow, does it itch! It doesn’t end. Constantly I feel the need to itch under my arm or near the under arm of the left boozie boobie that has left me but itching it gives me no relief because the damn area is still quite numb.

I must admit here and now, I do entertain myself. I mean look at me. I have breast cancer. I am missing an entire breast (thankfully it was the breast with the hair on it that was taken away), I have had nine out of 20 lymph nodes removed, a scar from my chest bone to under my arm and here I am, complaining about an itch that can not be scratched.

Bet you wish you were me right now hey?

My Missing BooB Hurts

Doesn’t that sound Featured imageweird? I feel weird complaining about my missing boob hurting but the hole that leftie left is a bit painful today. Pft, to be expected blah blah blah.

Today I had a good day though with a lovely morning coffee and catch up with night nurse during day hours but tonight has been a struggle. The ol’ anxiety crap is back and has me thinking of heaps of stuff. And that stuff is all mixed up and mumbled and I have sent a few messages to those I have been thinking off…..

One of the main things that has been on my mind lately is a lady called Mia. My cancer is nothing compared to what she, and others deal with day in and day out. I am in a pretty good place being that the boob, lymph nodes and (fingers crossed) cancer has all been removed.

Yeah I have six months of chemo – we are now calling the this internal spa therapy – and then a few months/year of radiation and hormone therapy but really, I am in a good place. The doctors, nurses and oncologists are hopeful and confident I am going to beat this bitch.

There are others, like my Mia, who will live with their challenge each and every day for the rest of their lives. One day I’ll work out how to tag a blog and if there is a blog you want to read to ground you, to make you look around and realise how amazing our lives really are, you want to read about Mia and her ‘growing lot’.

I am not going to go into it in depth but I realise I have a way out of my issue. Mine will be hard, long and yucky but nothing compared to Mia and her travels with not just all three of her gorgeous babies but with Juno especially.

Tonight my anxiety was super high and I was pissed off to be honest. I was in a place where people like Mia would have adored to have been in. I had two gorgeous dogs cuddled up with me on my sofa and they are not little dogs so I was super warm. I had a cold glass of sparkling wine and was watching all of the home shows on the tv. What the hell was I anxious about? I was living the dream! Ok yeah, living with cancer isn’t actually living the dream but shit, it is a whole lot better than a heap of people in South Australia are living today.

My thoughts went to Mia struggling to get three children to bed, special girl Juno settled, looking at a mountain of housework, dishes, laundry etc. I knew she wasn’t sitting back with a bottle of bubbly watching her favourite shows on TV with her dogs either side of her.

I also thought about a man, of an age unable to be guessed, Dr Hands and I saw yesterday on the way to the oncologists office. He was the owner of three trollies. He had sandals on his disgustingly dirty feet were too small for him. His face showed the life of living on the streets, his trollies were his possessions. He wasn’t sitting in a lovely home enjoying a lovely glass of sparkling wine with his dogs, with a partner who loved him, the combustion fire warming his home.

Who the hell am I to complain or suffer from anxiety when really, I have it all.

Oh yeah, so I have cancer. So what! A million other people around the world have cancer too. Some of them have the not so good cancer, the one where you don’t get to have it cut out and chemo’ed and rediated and stuff. The cancer that ends everything for them and those around them. I dont have that cancer so why the hell am I out of sorts?

To cheer me up, I decided to look up some websites that had pretty, quirky, different headscarves for my upcoming baldness and geebus, I am going to need to sell half of my belongings to buy just one bloody head scarf! A normal scarf doesn’t seem to be able to cut it. We need these fitted things that cost half a damn mortgage payment.

My darling sister bought me three scarfs in her care package and one of them was a Laura Ashley one (yes, I do love a good brand name and also love to drop said brand names) and whilst it is amazing, I dont think it will do my head. There are two other polka dot scarfs in the care package that I totally love too but these fitted ones on line seem so much easier. Given the price of the fitted and quirky ones, I think I am going to have to learn to tie a cancer chemo half boobless girl type of head covering with these gorgeous scarves from my sister.

People say that as soon as you mention the word ‘wedding’ all the prices of things go up three times the normal amount. Well let me tell you, cancer can do the same. With the Big C words, it is either given to you as a charity item with tears in THEIR eyes or is priced beyond belief that it leaves tears in YOUR eyes.

What does make me laugh and almost cry at the same time is when ever I have tried a beanie on, I have thought to myself, geez, I look like a bloody cancer patient. Well… what can I say to that now? I am a bloody cancer patient so be bald, look cancer stricken and be done with it.

End drunken rant for tonight…. so far. I have opened another bottle so anything could come out from here on in …..

My Chemo Date is Revealed

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May 21st, 2015, 12:30pm. This will be session 1 for my chemotherapy.

My neighbour doesn’t like the word chemo and wants to use a new word for it. If you have any ideas, send them through and we’ll brain storm tomorrow over coffee to come up with a word she will be happier with.

Guess what I worked out a week ago, the most annoying boob of the two is the one who was taken. You know that pesky hair or two we all have on a boob? Well sucked in leftie, you had the hair and you can no longer annoy me anymore with that hair. And don’t you ladies pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. There is usually that one chin hair and one boob hair, both of which get really annoying as you age because they are harder to pluck due to failing eyesight! Well, one hair down. Now, I hope I don’t get chin cancer because I can deal with that one. Having said all that, there wont be many hair problems for me for a while anyway.

On a puppy dog note, Kelly is getting better on her antibiotics and her cough is reducing. Brady doesn’t seem to be showing any signs of having this Kennel Cough so there’s a bit of good news for my babies.

Remember the conversation I had with my Granny because I wanted her to knit me a square so I could have a piece of my Granny to take to chemo with me? Well, here it is and I Love it! Pictured with it are the lovely crystals sent to me from my  cousins Kelly and Sherri. People have been so generous and kind.

Is My Bald Head Pretty?

Ok, so yes, don’t go on about it but I have had a couple of drinks but this question is not unreasonable is it?

I know that I am about to lose all of my hair. No, I am not interested in this new technique of the cold cap of keeping some of my hair. I either have all of my hair or none. I am not interested in some here and there. gMy hair is shit so why would I want to keep it and no, I will not regret this statement when I have lost my hair. I worry that it will grow back grey but that’s about it.

What I most worry about is my head. What if it is full of warts? Full of dents and digits? What if my head isn’t a smooth and beautiful round thing that people look at and just know I am dealing with Breast Cancer? I fear it is ugly.

I can already feel something that feels like warts or alien like pimples. So there goes my beautiful smooth and round head. Maybe if I use my pedi thingy that removes rough skin from my feet, onto my head, then I’ll have a beautiful soft and round head.

Unfortunately the media gives these amazing photos of cancer stricken women looking amazing. I dont look amazing now so how am I going to look amazing once chemo starts?

This all sucks really. Yes, I am having a pitty party but if there was ever a time to have one it is now.

So my wishes today are as follows

1. My gorgeous dogs recover from kennel cough real soon

2. My amazing Dr Hands (Sam) continues his patience and love for me

3. My Head is gorgeous under this shitty crappy hair I have been given

4. I get over what ever virus I am fighting because I do have Breast Cancer that I need to beat!

5. Something amazing happens that makes me almost or even wee my pants 🙂

I am in a shitty crappy mood tonight. Thankfully I have amazing neighbours who can supply me with bubbles. Oh, and get this. Here I am in their home, rightie bobbie swinging in the breeze because leftie is sore and swollen and Lisa (neighbour) decides my burn on my arm need dressing. I am at her home, late at night, needing alcohol and that wonderful and gorgeous neighbour of mine feel s the need to dress my burn on my arm. Gotta love that kinda friend/neighbour.

Another thing I experienced this weekend which I am glad was only an experience was a few puffs of cigarettes. I smoked for many years and before I quit, was up to 50 a day. A lot of people asked where I found the time and even now, I wonder where I found the time. Now I am facing cancer, I even now want a cigarette. Isn’t cancer supposed to scare you of death? I see smoking as a relaxant. But, after over five years of not smoking, I do not want to go back to the ill health and expense of smoking. I will just carry on having cancer, begging neighbours for sparkling wine and believing I can beat this disgusting disease. Thank you Lisa and Pete. Thank you Sam. Today hasn’t been a great day xx

Featured Image is Brady and I before Cancer and Kennel Cough. xx

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Not Another Boob!!??

So, it would seem that my ‘wound’ just loves to collect fluid and it looks like I am growing a new boob. Remember a while back when I thought I might be a medical miracle? When I thought I had a new boob growing in the area where the old, cancer filled boob had been removed. Now, it’s back.

This shouldn’t bother me because also remember the 22 huge needle syringes that went into the area to take away the fluid build up? Well, I am worried because I am getting more and more feeling back in that area. This time, if my surgeon doesn’t give me some sort of local numbing agent or general knock thing, it ain’t gonna happen. You may well raise your eyebrows but YOU have not seen the size of the needle. And remember how many times he stuck that thing in my pretend boob? 22 times. That is a lot of times into the one area while he sucked out so much disgusting fluid.

So, I shall cross my fingers, toes and what ever I can in the hope that it is not done al’natural.

Tomorrow I visit my oncologist and book in all the wonderful cancer killing chemotherapy.

I will be totally honest, I had absolutely no concerns about chemo what so ever. That was, until I read a fellow bloggers blog on ‘after the chemo’. Her first chemo post was great. I was bragging to Dr Hands (Sam) about how well she did and she even took selfies. I did advise that like me, she was HER2 positive and therefore the chemo went for 5 hours instead of 2 hours. I was blah blahing about how wonderful it was and how I was fine with it all until today.

Today she wasn’t going so well. She wrote about one of my favourite things, poo, but even I was aghast with that was coming out of her body. I will try and link or join or something to her blog because like me, she doesn’t leave anything to the imagination.

Friends like Jodie, perhaps dont read what she has to say but all others, go hard! She writes beautifully about poop but now it is all becoming a bit too real. I don’t care about the hair loss. I don’t care about being tired. Being as big as I am, I don’t care about losing my appetite but man, the stuff that came out of her bum has me worried.

Be prepared, I feel I might just be writing a very similar blog to her soon. What did make me sad is that she had planned a big get together for Mothers Day (from memory) and really struggled through the meal, the being awake for it all when all she wanted to do was be home in bed.

I assume that her family and friends, just like mine will be, would have been fine with her pulling out even though she had planned it all. You can not know how you will feel after chemo can you? Some people seem to breeze through it and others, don’t go so well.

A close friend of mine wrote that she was at work one day, wig on, pasty face, and was spitting pieces of teeth. I have been advised by my breast care nurses to have a dental check before I go to chemo. I must say, I did have a giggle at her description of spitting teeth bits.

A bit of sad news today is that both of my babies now have kennel cough. My poor boy Brady Bailey-Wilkinson (as seen in the featured image) is showing early signs of the kennel cough where as Kelly has proven the antibiotics have worked a treat. Gone is the Kelly of yesterday and last night who couldn’t sleep or snuggle enough to the Kelly of our usual days racing around the house, chasing Brady and toys. She still stops in front of the combustion fire to warm up and sleep but is much better. Bradys cough has only just started so I’ll take him off to the vet tomorrow and get him his antibiotics to get him better.